Here is another poem! Hope you like it, I actually wrote this one way back over a year ago.

Dreams are a powerful thing. Some of us think of them as just a figment of our subconscious mind, a fantasy, nothing special. Dreams are a lot more than just that however. Dreams can reflect what is truly in your heart, sometimes it is sad, sometimes happy, sometimes it makes no sense at all. Dreams can sometimes influence your emotions, or thoughts even after you wake up. Somehow sometimes when people dream about stuff when they wake up, if they remember it their mind becomes fixated on whatever it was about, or who it was about.  Dreams reflect the subconscious sometimes and can bring feelings or memories to the surface that have been buried deep inside for a long period of time. Dreams are a lot more than just a figment of your imagination, they can reflect who you truly are, and what you truly desire, dread, or regret. Endless scenarios are possible in dreams, anything can happen. Sometimes drams can even show you the future, or at least some people including me believe that. Dreams can warn you about things that could be potentially bad or you, or bring you bad fortune. Any way you look at it dreams are amazing, they can stir emotion, bring out the truth, and sometimes if you are in denial they can open your eyes.

I came up with the idea of sharing some good examples of some of these scenarios.  Here are 3 great examples of the power of dreams. Each of these examples have to do with one of my friends, or past friends.

Eric was my childhood friend, I grew up knowing him from the school for the blind and the visually impaired. Eric and I were close all the way up to the time he got married. I decided t just stop calling him one day because his wife didn't like it and I did not want to interfere with their marriage. At the time I never really said goodbye to him properly. For the first couple of months I was okay, things went smooth, but then the dreams started. These dreams were about us getting back together, him leaving his wife, some of them he got mad at me for not saying goodbye to him, some of these he just ignored me, and some we were just friends and hanging out. These dreams were a reflection of what I wanted subconsciously, what I desired, what I wished would come true. These dreams were the mirror of my subconscious thoughts. I could not stop thinking about him whenever I had one of these dreams, and all the agony, all the pain of losing him to another person just attacked me every time I had one of these dreams. I would be okay after a couple of days, but then I would have another dream again and the cycle would start again. Every emotion I burried deep inside of me always came out when I dreamed about him. Losing Eric was probably one of the most painful experiences of my life. I did end up saying a goodbye to him, and after that my heart seems to be at peace. I no longer dream about him, and I am no longer tormented by my memories and emotions. 

The 2nd example is Amanda. Amanda and I didn't really get along well at first, I met her through Brooke. Her and brooke became friends after she moved in a house across the street from brook. I was best friends with brook and Amanda just seemed like an intruder at the time. We had a friend / foe kind of relationship until the 8th grade when her and one of my other friends and me became close. Amanda, rebecca and I did a lot together. Rebecca and I faded out but Amanda and I had a pretty strong friendship until the 12th grade when she got a boyfriend. This was only the beginning of our falling out. She began to hang out with some other friends, or sometimes she hung out with some of my other friends. For some reason I was never invited when they went somewhere. Amanda and I just faded out and things got super awkward with us. Eventually for some reason I do not know she stopped talking to me altogether. I began to have some pretty strong feelings of hatred, regret, and sadness in the years after that. It has been 4 years since we last talked to each other face to face. After that I started to develop these feelings. She won't even talk to me on facebook, or through email, she wont talk to me at all.  I was more than aware that our friendship would probably never recover. I was really torn up about it, I couldn't stop thinking about her, my memories tormented me. Then I started dreaming about her. I dreamed about us becoming close again, about us hanging out, sometimes I dreamed about her leaving me again, or me confronting her about how I felt. The dreams did not help much, they just made things worse. As you have probably figured out by now when I dream about someone it's like my mind can't stop focusing on that person, or the thing I dream about. I think I have come to terms with losing my best friend but it still hurts a little.  After she got married almost a year ago it was like my heart let go. Funny how that works with me.  I no longer dream about us becoming friends again, probably because she is married and has a baby on the way. if we were to become friends now it wouldn't be the same. My mind seems to have grasped that and I am pretty much at peace now.  I am still friends with her sisters at least.

The last example is a little less sad than the others. This last person I am going to talk about is Darik.  Darik and I met around the same time I met Amanda. I had a crush on Darik for a long time. I have never been especially close to Darik but I have always really liked him a lot. Darik and I have been friends for over 10 years now and he is a very important person to me (if you haven't caught onto that from some of my previous posts I will be surprised). Darik is just one of those people that totally catch my attention, he is really amazing.  I did have a rather long period of time when I had a hard time admitting that I liked him, even as a friend though. Around the 8th grade was the last time I had a crush on him. A couple of things made me give up on this. First was I started to like another guy, I actually confessed, and Darik caught me doing this. I felt really guilty after this and regretted it a lot. I decided that I should probably back off from him somewhat.  I did this, but in the process I somehow managed to convince myself that I did not like him at all, which wasn't true at all really. My feelings caught up to me a couple of times after that, but then I had a dream.

This dream is a good example of a dream that can influence the heart.  I had this dream that I was in this weird hallway, Darik was there as well. I walkd up to him and told him how I felt about him again. Darik got really annoyed and told me to stay away from him, to leave him alone and then he walked away. This dream is probably what killed my crush completely, or at least buried my feelings deep inside somewhere for good. I was painfully aware that this dream would probably come true if I were to try and tell him how I felt again. I decided to let go afte this and back off from him for a while. I think I actually became afraid of being close to him, I didn't want to slip, I didn't want my feelings to come back. I began to push him away slowly. For a brief amount of time I was able to admit to myself that I liked him as a friend again, but after this dream things just got worse. I eventually convinced myself that I did not like him at all again.  I was trying so hard to suppress my feelings for him that I managed to convince myself that I felt the exact opposite that I really felt. I could not stand him for the longest time, everything he did seemed to annoy me.  In reality I was only doing this because I did not want to get in his way, I was really afraid of getting on his nerves, or accidentally annoying him. He was, and still is important to me even though we have never been super close.

My dreams about him did not stop. Actually, it was because of this fact that I am friends with him still today. My dreams reflected what I really felt for him, and I won't lie I hated it. I wanted them to go away for a while but they never let up. I don't remember then that much, but they reflected how much I wanted to be close t him, and be friends still, how much I cared about him, and some other things.  It was because of these never ending dreams that I was never able to completely convince myself that I hated him. I always take my dreams seriously, and this was most definitely an example of that. I was still stubborn for the longest time though. Even though I was somewhat aware that I liked him I would always freeze up and step back whenever I was going to admit that I liked him even as a friend again.

This went on for about almost 8 years. Him and Dylan left the high school around the 11th grade, things were pretty much dormant for  while, until college, than my feelings started getting to me again.  I lashed out at him a couple of times, I did not understand why at the time but I was really upset. I would not admit that I regretted a lot, but I felt this way and it showed. Every time I felt like our friendship was threatened I lost it and got angry. I actually still talked to him through email sometimes, sometimes I let go and for a brief moment and admitted I liked him still. This was triggered by my dreams I had about him so many times I have lost count.

Anyway, eventually I did admit that I still liked him as a friend, and then I wrote a 2 part post on here around October explaining everything. I suggest you look for it and read it if you want to understand this more.Everything is fine with us now. Actually I feel better about our relationship now than I ever have in the past. I also have to add that within the period between 12th grade and when they were on their LDS mission, the times after I did not see them as much the dreams did decrease, but not enough to stop having effect. I am thankful for this a lot now.

The point is that because of my dreams I was not able to completely let go of him. In a way my dreams saved our friendship. Because I kept dreaming about him I could never fully convince myself, I could never decieve myself into thinking I disliked him completely. I am really glad my brain and my heart work this way.

Dreams are powerful, and I think I have made this point quite clear through this post. 

(by the way I just thought I would add I do not still have a crush on Darik, for those of you who are wondering...) **laugh**

So I was thinking about what I would blog about today and I decided to blog about some of the animals I like. Some of these are mythological animals and some aren't. 

Phoenix

Actually birds in general are my favorite animals, but I wanted to be a little more specific. I have always loved the phoenix. The phoenix symbolizes strength, and the ability to rise from the ashes from any situation. We may burn in the fire, but we can always be reborn and start again. Our mistakes aren't the end, there is always time to fix what we have done. Not only does it symbolize something amazing but phoenixes are incredibly beautiful, and their tears can heal wounds. 

Dogs

Border Collies to be exact. I love dogs all around, but to be more specific Border Collies are my favorite breed. Border collies are loyal, smart, fun and energetic. Border collies will always keep you busy and on the move, they require a lot of attention but are totally worth it.  They are very beautiful dogs, if you groom them well enough their black and white fur can look fantastic. Border collies make one of the best companions.

Horses

I remember one time when I was in the 3rd grade my class went to this place and we learned how to ride horses. I have always loved horses ever since we did this. Horses are amazing, they are fast, beautiful, they have personality, and they are just fn all around.  Need I say more?

Ducks

I don't even know where to start with this one. I just love ducks a lot and always have for some reason. It's probably because instead of a teddy bear I grew up with a stuffed duck instead. I just think ducks are really cute, and they are really funny as well. I don't know what else to say about this one.

Cats

This wasn't always the case. Actually my neighbor had a cat that scared me once, that caused me to not like cats very much for a while. I am really allergic to male cats for some reason, I'm okay with female cats though for some reason. My sister found a cat on our front porch around almost 3 years ago, it was a male cat. Surprisingly I never really had any major allergic reactions to him at all. He died over 2 years ago, didn't live for very long it was sad. We haven't been able to figure out what killed him but we think it was either something he ate, or he froze to death outside. His name was Marble, and after him I didn't dislike cats as much. We got a new cat, a female not to long after this. We still have her she is a really awesome cat. Cat's are so fun and enegetic and they do a lot of funny stuff. I'm glad we got a cat after my Border Collie died.

Anyway, so I think I should just start with 5 for now. I might do another post about animals I like some other time.

I remember when I was younger. The only two people i hung out with were Brook and Devin. Those were good times. We mostly hung out in brookes backyard on her trampoline. I'm surprised I never broke anything once by playing on that haha. I remember my hair used to get really staticky and stand up in the air, sometimes we would rub our hair on the trampoine on purpose to get this effect, it was awesome! I remember I got shocked a lot because of all the static the trapoline produced, mostly by the trampoline itself when I touched my hands to the metal springs. I didn't mind it after a while, you sort of get used to it. Some of my best memories were with Devin and brooke.

We used to play video games together, and play various games together, it was a lot of fun. I don't think I would have picked any other 2 people to be my friends as a child.

We also used to play on this weird thing called "The Twirley bird" in brooke's backyard. It still baffles me until today that I never killed myself on that thing. the whole point of it was to make it go as fast as you could around in a circle, at least thats what I got out of it. only 4 people could fit on it, it was crazy. (and noisy, squeaked a lot).

this one time we made plans to clean out this really weedy place on the side of brooke's house. That place was a mess, weeds, and grass and various things all over it, and so many bugs, we got scared out of our wits a couple of times by some particularly nasty ones, we were going to make it our club house, it was a cool place, despite all the weeds. I don't recall if we ever finished it.

Sometimes we would hang out with some of brooke's siblings, or her friends, or other people that just lived in the neighborhood. I remember I was really possessive about my friends and allways felt like my space was invaded whe something came in between me, Brooke, and Devin. I still havea little problem with that sometimes actually with other friends. I don't think i'll ever get over that.

Back then there wasn't a Nintendo Wii, or Xbox 360. I think Brook had an Xbox, but we never played it. I remember playing many games on her Nintendo 64, we also played on her Gamecube sometimes in the later years. Those were really fun times, we got very routey sometimes and her mom had to tell us all to be quieter. I don't recall very many of the games we played, but I do remember us playing Mario Kart a lot. That seemed to be a game I played a lot back then.  Brooke had a really big TV in her living room, it made it that much more awesome.

There was this one time when we were playing in the backyard with a couple of the neighbor kids when this big dog (hyper dog) wandered into our backyard and scared the wits out of me, and all of us. That was sooooo scary. We had trouble getting it out, and they had trouble getting me out of the tree in brooke's backyard haha. I still remember that incident very clearly. Broooke scared the heck out of us when she went into the front yard and pretended to be bitten by the dog. We were all freaking out. We laughed about it later, all the business with the dog and all.

I think that's all I'm going to say for now.

Hope you like it! This is the first time I have read off one of my poems like this. I am planning on doing this more in the future.

My parents have always taken such good care of me through all 21 and a half years of my life. My mom and dad try so hard to make everything work, pay the bills, keep everything in order, etc. They are amazing people, and I love them both. Both of my parents have heart problems. My mom has pulmonary hypertension, and my dad has problems with his cholesterol. My dad is trying to find a job right now. My mom works at a health food store and also a fabric store. Working 2 jobs isn't easy or her. Technically she shouldn't be working with her heart at all, but she does it so we can all live, have a house, have food, and be happy. None of my family members are really in a position to give money to my parents, we all wish we did but right now we don't.

Throughout my life my parents have always been the ones that helped me through all my learning troubles and my social troubles. They helped me in so many ways. When I had trouble in school they did everything they could think of to help me get through. My life would have been a lot harder without them. I look up to both of them in a lot of ways.

Some of you know that I do not currently have a job or go to school right now. Due to my bad social skills, and a few other things I am unable to function in a job quite yet. I am working on getting there but for now I can't. For the past 3 years or so I have been out of school, I did not know how to handle college back then and decided to take a break from school for a while until I figured a few things out. It's probably a good thing I did this because not to long after that the recession started and we started to have some pretty bad financial problems. My parents would not have had time to take me to college at that time. I think I saved them a lot of trouble back then, I still think I do now, but I am a lot different now.

I've always been fine with not having very many posessions. I have never really asked my parents for very many things I have always been quite satisfied with what I have. I think this is one of the better things I have dome for the both of them. I was a little different back when I was in Junior High, but not to different. I have always accepted that I will probably never have all the material things that i want, and that is fine with me.

My parents have raised me great, they are two amazing people.

I have to admit though, sometimes I do feel guilty for not being able to do more, or not doing more of the kind of stuff I can do.  I do not do nearly as much as I should for them.

I am not one to rely on other people but with all my vision problems and my social problems and other things I decided to do something. I am not the kind of person that likes to rely on government money, but the way I am now, even though I have improved a lot, made it so i was somewhat of a strain on my parents. I know they would never admit to this but I knew that having to pay for my clothes and stuff really didn't help them very much. I decided that I probably needed to be on SSI for a while. one of the hardest things for me to admit is that I can not do some things on my own yet. right now having a job is not one of those things I can do. I had to literally admit to every handicap I have, it was not easy. I ended up getting SSI, and I'm glad even though I do feel super weird about it sometimes. I won't lie I hate being on SSI, but it is necessary right now until I straighten out my various problems and am able to get a job, and / or go back to school. I have to also admit that it sometimes makes me feel a little dumb, i know this is not the case though. Since I started being on social security income things have been a lot easier for me. I no longer have to rely on my parents money for support, and I can buy things when I need them now. the money I get is more than enough for me right now. i do not spend very much really. this has decreased the amount I feel I burden my parents, I feel a lot more independent now. I feel a lot more free than I did before.

I still feel like I am somewhat dependant on them in some ways, like I can't cook for example. I'm sure that will change someday though. Like I said in my previous post, I am still getting used to the idea of it being okay for me to be somewhat of a burden on people and rely on them, just as long as it isn't to much.

Sometimes it is truly hard for me to rely on people, feeling like I'm a burden, like I'm a bother is really painful sometimes. I know it will be okay though and I will work through my problems.

My parents love me a lot and I know this. For now I guess I'm okay living this way. I know I'll get to where I want to go eventually.

When I was younger I used to have trouble with learning a lot of things. I was horrid in virtually every subject you can think of except for maybe reading. Some of you know that my whole life I have had various eye problems. I have Nystagmus, astigmatism, ocular albanism, and low depth perception. These problems and my auditory processing delays made it very hard for me to learn. Audotory processing delays basically make it so when you hear something it doesn't process right the first few times you hear it and you often forget what was heard and have to hear it again, or your brain remembers it for a short while, but forget's it quickly. These problems made it hard for me to understand a lot of things when I was younger. I have trouble grasping and understanding some ideas or concepts, and this added onto my other problems causes me to have  hard time learning most of the time. Sometimes it's almost like my brain does not want to process and understand some things. This has caused a lot of my past teachers to get very stressed, I even made some cry in the past.

Another thing I have to mention is that I have always had trouble making friends. I remember when I was in preschool I didn't really get along with the other kids very well. I don't remember really playing with them at all. I've always been a socially awkward person. I have trouble interacting with people I do not relate to. In kindergarten I don't recall having any friends either. The other kids seemed to think I was weird and different, their reaction to me never really helped anything.

I was put in a smaller class in the 1st grade. This class was catered to people that had trouble learning just like I did. I made my first two real friends in this class. My teacher in this class tried very hard to teach me how to read and write, she was pretty determined. I went to the mainstream class for part of the day and my teacher and parents slowly tried to get me to the point where I could just go to a normal class, it did not quite work out that way however. We figured out this little detail in the 2nd grade, I still had trouble working in a normal classroom. The other kids made fun of me and called me names on various occasions. At the time I had no idea, I did not grasp just how much stress I was causing other people around me.

I was moved to the school for the blind and visually impaired part way through the 2nd grade. I was put into a class of 6 or 7 people all who I could relate to. Over the years I slowly started to grasp math, and English more. On top of this I became more skilled at reading. It worked out quite well for me at that school. I became close with everyone in that class. Since there were so few of us we always hung out with each other and did everything with each other when we were at school. I did not even worry about the people outside of school, the people in my neighborhood (that is a different story though).

I was in the school for the blind and visually impaired until half way through the 5th grade. I convinced my teachers and my parents that I could function in a normal school. I did not understand how hard it would be. The previous environment I grew up in made me really innocent. I was not aware of how things actually worked in the real world.

The transition was pretty hard. I did not really fit in with anyone at the time. I had 2 friends I talked to at school but we weren't really especially close. I was mostly a loner at this point in time. I was okay with not fitting in. I did not take anything that seriously, I did not understand a lot of things about the mainstream school right then and kind of treated it as a game.

The 6th grade was the big turning point when everything started to change with me. I did not really understand how different I was from other people until then. I had my first big crushes at this time in my life. I noticed how different everyone was from me and how they had an easier time learning, and how they did not have to go to a resource class. I felt pretty dumb, and I was literally terrified. The teacher didn't understand me very well, she was always embarrassing me a lot in front of everyone.  It was a hard year for me, probably the hardest year of my life. There were good days of course, but it was still like hell.

So I will just get to the point from here. The point of me telling you this stuff is so you understand what I am about to say.

I have felt like I am a burden on people my whole life. I did not notice this until I was a bit older, and more able to understand people around me. It has really effected me in a lot of ways. I know that I am socially awkward, in fact i’m very socially awkward sometimes. This fact about me discourages me from trying to be more social. I am afraid if I try and be more social I will get in people’s way and prevent them from having fun, or having a good time with other friends. I do not like getting in people’s way, it does not feel good.

When I was in school as you have read I was a very hard student to deal with. I had trouble grasping concepts and understanding stuff. I am a lot better at this stuff now but I still feel like I cause my teachers a lot of problems and make their lives more stressful. This has caused me in the past to not want to ask for help or to try things on my own when I probably shouldn't.  In a few cases I just gave up and quit talking to the teacher altogether. I always made sure I passed the class I was in, but it often ended with a D, or a C as a grade.

This post has a happy note to it. Lately I have come to realize that being a burden on people isn’t really something you can avoid. We all have to go through trials and meet people that get on our nerves or that we don’t understand or don’t have an easy time sociallizing.  I have some to see that everyone causes trouble for everyone sometimes it is not something I can avoid. This is just one more step to success that I have to go through to make my dreams come true. In order for me to stop being in people’s way I am going to have to just let myself get in their way sometimes and learn from it. We learn new things and techniques by making mistakes.  

I still have a long way to go. I am not in school currently and I don’t have a job right now either. I was trying to hide from the world for the past two or 3 year. I have gained more confidence lately and I am starting to look at the world in a more positive way. I still have a long way to go so far as being social goes or school or work but I know I will make it somehow. I know it won’t be easy but in the end it will be wort it. I am going to probably feel like a burden  on people for a while as I learn, but now I know it is okay. I am totally terrified but I know I can overcome this if I try my hardest.  I am ready to overcome the obstacles that are in my way.  I am ready to show people what I can truly become.

Starlight
my angel in the skies
break this mirror of deceit
call out the moon
take away my tears
this curtain of night
has tried so long
to shade me
from where I am going
from where I belong

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I’m solitary, so afraid
wrap me in your wings
comfort me, I am not alone
cradle of Starlight
bring me there
from the night
and show me the truth
show me the light

Starchild
sing to me
show me the truth
show me the love
a sparkling fantasy
awaits us all
we all see truth
if we look
within the curtain of night
guide my way
lead me to the sky

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I am solitary, so alone
fly me to the skies
comfort me, I am never alone
angel of starlight
bring me there
from the darkness
pull back the veil of lies
show me the truth

Paradise
the mirror is shattered
the night no more
when darkness is pierced
this power of starlight
guiding my way
through the tretcherous night
find my way at last
to paradise, to light
come follow me
I will guide your way
don’t fear the night
embrace the light

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I’m solitary, so afraid
wrap me in your wings
comfort me I am never alone
cradle of Starlight
bring me there
from the night
and show me the truth
show me the light
show me the paradise
starlight, starlight

I forgot to blog about this a few months back. I figured it wouldn't hurt to show them now. These were taken in the middle of November. It was one of the prettiest sunsets I have ever seen.

Hope you like the pictures!

These ones were taken on a different day, just a few days after the ones above.

Have you ever heard of Squishables? Squishables are big, fat round stuffed animals that are really cute. I bought one around the beginning of December, totally worth the $45 in my opinion. Squishables are made for hugging. Squishables also make good pillows but I prefer not to use mine that way.

I have a Squishable Duck, I named him Luke. Some people would think it's weird I still love this kind of thing when I'm in my 20s, I don't though. It's not a crime to love cute stuff.

http://www.squishable.com

The first picture was taken right after I opened him. He came in a box and was shipped by FedEx.

I had to figure out where to put him, when I took this picture I had decided that for then I would just leave him on my bed. He has his own place to sit now.

This is something a lot of people with Squishables do, they dress them up and / or make them look like they are actually doing something and take pictures.

This was taken before Christmas, the lighting made him look all red.

http://www.squishable.com

I love stars. I have always loved stars ever since I can remember. I am not only talking about the stars in the sky. I love the shape, I love how stars are used in reference to magic so many times. Stars are magical after all, and stars symbolize so many great things. Stars are used everywhere from every day use in clothing and design, to religion, flags, logos, etc. Everywhere you go you can find stars everywhere.

Stars are a symbol of light and hope. When you look up into the night sky you see the stars. To me the stars in the sky are like guides, no matter how lost or how dark it is the stars can help guide your way. To me Stars symbolize the fact that we are never alone, no matter how dark it is there is always some kind of light shining down on us guiding our way even if we can not see it right then.

I love Star shapes. My favorite kind of clothing is anything that has stars on it. I think stars in clothing, fashion design in general makes everything cuter. Stars make a great design tool, one of the best in my opinion. You can do so many things with stars when you design various things. There are really countless things you can use stars for.

Stars are used often in myths, and other story telling in many different cultures. It seems like every culture has it's own myths and stories about stars, depicting them in many different ways and forms. We did not know very much about the sky for so long, it was just something that we could never reach. This type of thing has caused so many great stories and beliefs to sprout up in the past.

Stars have many different variants and are many different things to many people. Everywhere you go stars have so much history.

One of my favorite things about stars is that they are used a lot in reference to fantasy and magic. Stars are a big part of the world of fantasy, almost like the star is the symbol for magic itself. When I think of magic one of the first things I think of is either glitter, or stars.

I have always loved the sky. When I was young before they put the street lamps on our street and made it so the sky is so hard to see I used to go out every night and just look up at the sky. I would jut sit there and think about various things. I found just thinking about things while I looked up in the sky was very relaxing. Sadly, after they put the street lamps in I could not do this because it made the sky hard to see. This made me really sad. I still love to stargaze though. I still find places I can do it sometimes.

My nickname Starlight Angel I actually got from my friends. A few years back a few of my friends started to notice my really dark eyes more, and they commented on how sometimes when light reflects on my eyes it looks a lot like starlight. The nickname Starlight just stuck after that and I have been using various star names ever since (my current one being Starya). I'm truly glad my friends noticed such a thing. I really love the nickname they gave me.

Anyway, I guess this is it for now.

How do you feel about stars in general? Do you like stars? Why do you like stars?

Oh, I just thought I would post this for fun.

Song: Starlight

Artist: Freedom Call

Ah yes, childhood TV memories. I miss all those old TV shows that aired in the 90s and before.

One inparticular strikes me though. I remember when I was young I LOVED the "Mr. Men" books. they had the "Mr. Men" books at school all the time. My favorite Mr. men character has always been Mr. Forgetful. 

I visited my grandpa and grandpa in Canada once when I was 9 and one morening I woke up I found out they had a "Mr. men" show on TV there. I had never heard of the TV show. I fell in love with it quickly.

I just wanted to share one of the episodes with you. I wish they still made stuff like this now. 

I am not afraid to say something when I feel like it. This has come in handy a lot for me lately. In the past, actually the not to distant past I was afraid of saying whatever I felt. I did not want to burden people or cause them problems at all. I started thinking about it a lot more though and I slowly realized that if I do not tell people how I feel I can actually end up causing them more trouble than if I do tell them how I feel. Also, I am a lot less stressed when I do not keep stuff in. I do not like to hide emotions, or feelings from people very much. I am a quiet person most of the time sometimes I don't communicate with people and all these feelings build up and I eventually burst and have to let everything out. I realized that it is probably better for me to just let my feelings out as they come, and not bottle up stuff, plus it's not that healthy anyway. It will also keep a lot of people around me from having to worry. If I just express one thing at a time instead of a whole bundle of things at a time i can benefit from it and so can they.

I do not like to stress people out, i am very sensitive about how people feel. Making people happy is one of my primary goals in life honestly. I like to make people happy and help them with their problems. If I do not deal with my own the right way I will not be able to properly do this.

My emotions are effected by a lot of things, books, music, environment, etc. If I am not careful sometimes I become overwhelmed and don't know what to do. My brain processes to much sometimes. I have always been an observer and not much of a talker except for when I write stuff. Everything around me is really stimulating and my brain takes in a lot at a time and sometimes it becomes to much. This is also one of the reasons why I prefer to have a small group of friends and not be around to many people at a time.

I usually have to be really careful I do not overstimulate myself otherwise it causes me to become stressed. I think I am getting the hang of it honestly though. I am a lot better about not over doing things now than I was in the past. I am no longer afraid to express myself, or be myself most of the time now anymore. This feels very good. I still have a lot of progress to make but I have made a lot already.

Now I just need to work on my social skills a bit more ha ha.

Dylan

You have always been one of my favorite people in the whole world quite honestly.  I love your personality, you always make me smile whenever I am around you. You are so energetic, and talkative and are always so friendly with people. You have a great sense of humor, and you are very smart and try your best in whatever you do. This is how I see you from my point of view.

My life would not have been as exciting if you had not been in it. For many years, actually for half of my life you have been one of the big reasons why I am still happy even though I go through so much. I have been through a lot since I met you and somehow seeing you or talking to you, just being around you in general just made my life so much better. Even when I am in the worst mood just seeing you can make me feel a lot better.

Your spirit gives off this amazing aura, I am not surprised you have so many friends, I am not surprised so many people like you. I love your sense of humor you are very funny and make me laugh a lot. Not very many people effect me this way honestly. You aren't afraid to joke around and have fun, and be silly this is another thing I have always loved about you. You are not afraid to just be yourself and go after whatever you want. this is what I see from my point of view.

I love your honesty and you sincerety, I feel like I can trust you.  This is one of the most valuable things to me in a friendship since I have trouble trusting so many people.

You are a very kind person, I have always loved how sweet you are when you talk to me. This also makes me a little nervous though, but not in a bad way. You really get to me and effect my emotions so easy. I do not usually get effected by people so much, but when I talk to you I don't feel like I have to keep m guard up as much or be as defensive. I do have some pretty deep feelings for you though so I do have to admit that I still keep my guard up somewhat when I am around you sometimes. I mostly do this for you because I know how you feel, and I know that you just want to be friends so I am always careful I don't let my feelings spin out of control. You are not the only one I have to do this with though.  I do care more about what you feel than what I feel honestly. Don't feel to weird about me saying this, you are a very easy person to love. I really can't help but love you somewhat. Some people just effect me this way. I don't really blame you if you do not fully understand what I am thinking it's probably somewhat confusing. Some people I just can't help but care about a lot and you are one of those people. 

You have so many talents and are good at so many things. I love people like this. You seem to be good at everything that you do no matter what it is. This is what I see from my point of view anyway.

You are very smart and you always work really hard in school. I've always had a problem with confidence and motivation in the past but in the time we were in school together you really helped me gain a lot of motivation just because I always saw how hard you worked on everything and it made me want to improve. You really helped me out a lot without even knowing it.

Anyway, I don't want to make this too long I know how busy you are. I could probably make this a lot longer but I wont for your sake.

Darik

I have not told you this as much as i should. I think you are an amazing person, I am glad to be your friend. I kind of feel like I have been unfair to you in the past. I do not feel like I have been clear enough as to how awesome I really think you are. This post is just for you because you always brighten my day when I see or talk to you.  You know I had trouble admitting that I liked you as a friend in the past, and that I wouldn't even talk to you most of the time.  I just feel like saying a few things that I have been thinking lately. 

I think you are amazing, you are so smart and charismatic and from what I have been able to tell people are really drawn to you. This is not surprising to me at all. You make me laugh, I love your sense of humor you are very funny. I have always felt this way. You always try your best at everything, and to me you seem like you always know where you are going or know what you want or need to do. I don't have this kind of direction yet right now, I look up to you because you do however.  You are very easy to talk to and I love how I feel like I can tell you my problems, or what I feel insecure about and do not feel even the slightest bit weird about it. 

You have so many friends, I am not surprised by this I can see why a lot of people like you. From my point of view you always seem to have something to say to everyone, you seem like an open person. You seem like an honest person as well which is one of the most valuable things to me for any friend I have. You know how to have fun, I love this about you. From what I know you always seen to be doing something cool, you have been to a million places (okay exaggeration ha ha), and you love spending time with your family. I am not surprised you have become so amazing, you have an amazing family.

You have an amazing spirit. Your spirit gives off this amazing feeling that makes me just want to be around you as much as possible. I can not honestly say many people effect me this way, but you do and this is a fact. I am happy just being around you whenever I can. Even if I don't say much if I can just be around you I am happy.

You seem very straightforward and out going, and I love how you always try to improve yourself. I love how you always try to stay in shape and go to the gym a lot. 

You are good at so many things, I have always loved this about you. I love people that have many talents and abilities. You seem to be good at everything you do weather it be sports, or school, or playing the piano and a lot of other things. 

Anyway, I could probably think up a lot more to say, but I know how busy you are so I won't make this too long.

So this morning I went upstairs and was greeted by a really dirty kitchen. I really prefer to ignore it and leave it to someone else but this time I did not want to do that. I won’t lie, I hate cleaning the kitchen, especially handling dirty dishes it makes me feel sick. Today however, it was to much for me to just leave that way. There were dishes everywhere and food, and the whole thing just looked like a mess in general, it’s a little hard to explain.  I decided to just put the dishes in the sink and clean up the counter and organize a little. I also put the dishes away and cleaned off the kitchen table. I did not put the dishes in the dish washer, honestly I try to avoid doing that as much as possible since handling dirty dishes that aren’t mine makes me feel really sick. I left that to my dad, I did do the rest though.

I have to admit that I do not do enough stuff like this around the house. I feel like now would be a good time to change that especially with everything that is going on in my family and how busy everyone else is.

Anyway, today has been relatively normal, nothing much has happened I have just been doing the same stuff I usually do. I did get to episode 24 of “A Little Princess Sara”, on animecrazy.net.  I am really loving the anime.

So yesterday night I decided to do something about my dormant character on Destiny Online. My main character on the game is named Starya. I haven’t been playing her on the game very much lately, actually compared to the little amount of time that I play my other characters on the game I hardly ever play Starya. My main character on the game is a mage and mages don’t train well solo. I don’t really like to train with other people very much. I probably would but most of my good friends on the game are all several levels above me. I am much faster at leveling my other 2 characters. I kind of lost motivation to level Starya mainly because my character has no pet to help me level like my other characters do. Honestly, it is kind of boring to level without a character when you don’t level with other people either, training alone in the game is a real drag.

The admins have been so good to me lately honestly. Despite the problems in the game and with their managment I have to admit that they at least do a pretty decent job of running the game, I mean at least it CAN run.  They have made me a GM in the past, and they let me moderate the game forum.  I honestly felt like I needed to give back to them so I decided I would unsubscribe from World of Warcraft and use the 15 dollars I use on that game usually to buy game currency in Destiny Online. I bought 30 bullion and bought a new pet for Starya, and used the remaining gold to level it faster at the Pet Doctor. Another advantage of me buying gold every month instead of playing World of Warcraft is that I can at least keep my friends from being ripped off in the game somewhat now. The economy in the game isn’t that great and things are constantly overpriced. This way I can buy item mall items and sell to my friends a lot cheaper than most people.

Anyway, I am happy with this decision, I never got on my World of Warcraft account anyway. I just wasn’t that interested.  I feel it is a better investment to send my money to Destiny Online, I think they need it more.

So today my sister tried to use Gluten free flower to make some cookie mix. It was a total flop the first time around and she ended up having to make it again a second time. it tasted weird the first time but the second time she added butterscotch chips to the mix. The recipe told her to bake it for about 23 minutes. Instead of making the batter into individual cookies she decided to just put it all into a single pan. it was only supposed to be baked or around 30 or so minutes originally but she ended up having to backe it longer for some reason. We were afraid it wasn't going to bake all the way through and nearly threw it all away. I don't know how but it turned out okay in my opinion. I have always been fond of butterscotch and I'm not to picky about flavors. I really liked it overall!

We also had BBQ chicken not to long ago, i have always loved that. We ate it while we watched American Idol.

So some of you know that I have been posting on Tumblr as well as Xanga lately. Truthfully I did stop posting on Xanga for a while because of this, but I came back after a few months. I have a few reasons why I am turned off by Tumblr somewhat so I don't ever plan to make it my primary blog. The way I see it Xanga offers me more and I feel like I can do more with it. I am not overwhelmed by Xanga, it has a decent amount of people but not to many and not to little for my taste. I find it easy to find blogs I like and the people are friendly.

I have a few things I do not like about Tumblr. For one thing I can not completely customize the look on Tumblr like I can on Xanga. this has always been a turn off for me. I do not like to fork out money for that kind of thing if I can help it.

I had 5 followers on my Tumblr, 2 of those people were really creepy, this is a major turn off for me. This is another reason why I do not like Tumblr as much as I like Xanga, it is easier to run into gross, perverted, creepy blogs. I have a filter on Xanga so i don't run into that kind of thing. Thank you Xanga for providing this. <3

I don't know about other people but I find that finding blogs I like on Xanga is easier than finding blogs on tumblr that I like. I feel like I have to go through all the junk that I don't want to see sometimes on Tumblr to get to the blogs that I like.

I feel like people actually read my blog on Xanga and care what I say, I do not get this feeling from tumblr at all.

Anyway, the point is that I am kind of turned off by Tumblr a little bit now with all this stuff that has been happening to me while trying to get more into it, especially those few really creepy people that were following me... ew.

You know those times when you meant to only take a nap and end up sleeping a lot longer than you meant to? I had one of those experiences yesterday evening. It was the evening around 7 or 8pm and I decided to just lie on my bed and watch anime on my phone via the crunchyroll app. I don’t really remember what I was watching, but reading the subtitles, the really small subtitles on the phone kinda made me really tired. I meant to only take a nap or at most probably sleep for 1 or 2 hours but I ended up sleeping until around 4am instead. I was really surprised to look at the clock and see it read “Monday March 14th”. I was not expecting to sleep that long. On top of that I could not get back to sleep at all so I decided to just get on my computer and see what was happening on Destiny Online and facebook and a few other things.

Nothing much was happening on facebook so I turned my attention to Destiny and decided I would start my bot. I bought a 5 hour bot on the game and bought the potions and the training scrolls and then went to my map on the game. After I started the bot I just talked to friends, and watched a few videos on Youtube. I did end up trying to go back to sleep a few times but I couldn’t do it.  I just watched some One Piece for a while after this.

Things have pretty much been like this, though by now my character on Destiny Online has done 12 hours of botting now. I could have trained by myself and not use the bot but i don’t like what all that clicking does to my wrist. I’m glad they decided to put the bot on Panda server now even though I was against it at first.

Anyway, nothing much has happened today yet besides this. I will update if anything else happens. I’m just playing Tetris, finding out some good leg warm ups and stretches for when I start running and keeping an eye on my bot on Destiny.

EDIT: I just added the entries to Xanga that I posted on Tumblr but never posted on xanga. I posted a few entries from February, and the rest from this month.

Can’t think up a decent title today but I had to put something!

The weather seems to be turning good. It’s been pretty sunny the past few days with no snow and it’s been in the 50s at some times. I don’t know how long it will last but I like the way it is right now.

So I’ve been working on a few TV shows this week. I actually started watching Supernatural, and caught up on Smallville. I really like Supernatural it’s so creepy, but honestly I think it might be a bit to much for me. It’s a great show and all but it has so many things that aren’t good. I might not continue with it anymore. It definitely is the king od Thriller / horror / suspense TV shows though. I’ve never had much of a stomach for horror, well this kind of horror / thriller. I did get all the way to the 4th season though. Some of you might call me crazy for watching a show like Supernatural, I don’t blame you it is intense and crazy. I don’t think I’m going to watch it anymore honestly. It just gives me a bad feeling. There is to much about demons and evil and stuff, it gives me the creeps. I love the show I won’t lie but I know I probably shouldn’t watch it because it gives me a bad feeling.I’d rather avoid stuff like that.

This is what I have been doing for most of this week. Yeah, I know it’s kind of dumb. I have also been doing a few things on Destiny Online though. Like I said in my last entry I have been catching up and leveling my characters somewhat. I don’t feel like actually playing most of the time. I kind of feel like it’s sort of a waste of time honestly. I’ve just never had much motivation to do anything but talk to my friends on that game. The game isn’t that great anyway so it’s not like I have anything to lose. In all honesty I only stay because there are some really cool people on there. I mostly just talk to people or walk around or sometimes I just log in and then go to whatever I was doing in Firefox. 

I also started playing Angels Online again. I think the game is really cute and it’s a braeth of fresh air to retrun to it after a low grade game like Destiny.

I am waiting for a game called Altis Gates right now it’s made by IGG, the same company as Angels Online. If i end up liking the game I’m going to quit Destiny for good.

I haven’t been spending as much time on facebook lately, I don’t really like playing the games on there that much and no one really talks to me so I usually just log on and open another tab in my browser and do something else. I usually play tetris or read blogs and stuff. I also spend a lot of time on Yahoo answers sometimes. I love Yahoo answers I think it is fun to answer people’s questions. Sometimes I just listen to pandora radio and red manga as well. I do plenty of things besides just play Destiny Online and surf facebook. Sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything worth while but now that I think about it that isn’t really true.  Hmm… interesting.

I also have a World of Warcraft account but honestly I never play it. I’m just not that interested honestly. I think I’m going to unsubscribe soon maybe.

Anyway I am just going to go back to reading manga now. I think this is all for today.

This was originally posted on Tumblr. i usually number my posts on Tumblr. I do not do that on Xanga however, so don't let that confuse you.

This is my first offical / experimental audio blog.