March 21, 2011

• Burden

  When I was younger I used to have trouble with learning a lot of things. I was horrid in virtually every subject you can think of except for maybe reading. Some of you know that my whole life I have had various eye problems. I have Nystagmus, astigmatism, ocular albanism, and low depth perception. These problems and my auditory processing delays made it very hard for me to learn. Audotory processing delays basically make it so when you hear something it doesn't process right the first few times you hear it and you often forget what was heard and have to hear it again, or your brain remembers it for a short while, but forget's it quickly. These problems made it hard for me to understand a lot of things when I was younger. I have trouble grasping and understanding some ideas or concepts, and this added onto my other problems causes me to have  hard time learning most of the time. Sometimes it's almost like my brain does not want to process and understand some things. This has caused a lot of my past teachers to get very stressed, I even made some cry in the past.

  Another thing I have to mention is that I have always had trouble making friends. I remember when I was in preschool I didn't really get along with the other kids very well. I don't remember really playing with them at all. I've always been a socially awkward person. I have trouble interacting with people I do not relate to. In kindergarten I don't recall having any friends either. The other kids seemed to think I was weird and different, their reaction to me never really helped anything.

  I was put in a smaller class in the 1st grade. This class was catered to people that had trouble learning just like I did. I made my first two real friends in this class. My teacher in this class tried very hard to teach me how to read and write, she was pretty determined. I went to the mainstream class for part of the day and my teacher and parents slowly tried to get me to the point where I could just go to a normal class, it did not quite work out that way however. We figured out this little detail in the 2nd grade, I still had trouble working in a normal classroom. The other kids made fun of me and called me names on various occasions. At the time I had no idea, I did not grasp just how much stress I was causing other people around me.

  I was moved to the school for the blind and visually impaired part way through the 2nd grade. I was put into a class of 6 or 7 people all who I could relate to. Over the years I slowly started to grasp math, and English more. On top of this I became more skilled at reading. It worked out quite well for me at that school. I became close with everyone in that class. Since there were so few of us we always hung out with each other and did everything with each other when we were at school. I did not even worry about the people outside of school, the people in my neighborhood (that is a different story though).

  I was in the school for the blind and visually impaired until half way through the 5th grade. I convinced my teachers and my parents that I could function in a normal school. I did not understand how hard it would be. The previous environment I grew up in made me really innocent. I was not aware of how things actually worked in the real world.

  The transition was pretty hard. I did not really fit in with anyone at the time. I had 2 friends I talked to at school but we weren't really especially close. I was mostly a loner at this point in time. I was okay with not fitting in. I did not take anything that seriously, I did not understand a lot of things about the mainstream school right then and kind of treated it as a game.

  The 6th grade was the big turning point when everything started to change with me. I did not really understand how different I was from other people until then. I had my first big crushes at this time in my life. I noticed how different everyone was from me and how they had an easier time learning, and how they did not have to go to a resource class. I felt pretty dumb, and I was literally terrified. The teacher didn't understand me very well, she was always embarrassing me a lot in front of everyone.  It was a hard year for me, probably the hardest year of my life. There were good days of course, but it was still like hell.

  So I will just get to the point from here. The point of me telling you this stuff is so you understand what I am about to say.

  I have felt like I am a burden on people my whole life. I did not notice this until I was a bit older, and more able to understand people around me. It has really effected me in a lot of ways. I know that I am socially awkward, in fact i’m very socially awkward sometimes. This fact about me discourages me from trying to be more social. I am afraid if I try and be more social I will get in people’s way and prevent them from having fun, or having a good time with other friends. I do not like getting in people’s way, it does not feel good.

  When I was in school as you have read I was a very hard student to deal with. I had trouble grasping concepts and understanding stuff. I am a lot better at this stuff now but I still feel like I cause my teachers a lot of problems and make their lives more stressful. This has caused me in the past to not want to ask for help or to try things on my own when I probably shouldn't.  In a few cases I just gave up and quit talking to the teacher altogether. I always made sure I passed the class I was in, but it often ended with a D, or a C as a grade.

  This post has a happy note to it. Lately I have come to realize that being a burden on people isn’t really something you can avoid. We all have to go through trials and meet people that get on our nerves or that we don’t understand or don’t have an easy time sociallizing.  I have some to see that everyone causes trouble for everyone sometimes it is not something I can avoid. This is just one more step to success that I have to go through to make my dreams come true. In order for me to stop being in people’s way I am going to have to just let myself get in their way sometimes and learn from it. We learn new things and techniques by making mistakes.  

  I still have a long way to go. I am not in school currently and I don’t have a job right now either. I was trying to hide from the world for the past two or 3 year. I have gained more confidence lately and I am starting to look at the world in a more positive way. I still have a long way to go so far as being social goes or school or work but I know I will make it somehow. I know it won’t be easy but in the end it will be wort it. I am going to probably feel like a burden  on people for a while as I learn, but now I know it is okay. I am totally terrified but I know I can overcome this if I try my hardest.  I am ready to overcome the obstacles that are in my way.  I am ready to show people what I can truly become.
  

  • 8:55 PM
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