So the day before yesterday I put everything in my room away, cleaned up a bit and then started moving my furniture around. I had to pull the drawers out of both my dressers before I moved the stuff around. My furniture was arranged really weird. When my closet was built in October last year I had to move stuff around a lot. One of my dressers used to be in the space that my closet is now occupying and so we had to move it next to my bed (which is a really weird place), and I had to kind of tolerate it being there until either me or my parents had the time and the motivation to move my stuff around. So my stuff has been in this really super weird arrangement for a long time.

We were cleaning the house and moving some stuff around, I got motivated to move my furniture around finally. I was going to do it with the help of my parents but they are at Tabernacle Choir tour. I just did it all myself. some of the stuff was heavy, I actually have slight bruising on my arms from lifting some heavy drawers and even the dressers themselves. My little one that is more like a desk was easier to move once I got the drawers out but the big one was a little heavy. I also had to be careful the legs of the dresser didn't drag to much because they could break if I wasn't careful. In the end I managed to re-arrange every piece of furniture in my room, it was hard but my room is no longer really cluttered and it feels like an actual room again.  It's been nice coming into a room that isn't a complete mess and with furniture in weird places.

So the day before yesterday was pretty much just that, me cleaning up and watching anime and stuff.

Yesterday nothing much happened. me and my sister and a few other family members have been getting ready for my sister to come down from California with my nephew. I mostly played Tetris, and organized a little more. Most of my day yesterday I was trying to catch up on some anime I'm behind on. I do this at least once a week since I am watching so many anime shows.

Anyway, so today started out pretty normal. In the morning I just listened to music to wake up and played some tetris, updated facebook, and watched some stuff on youtube.  Around noon my sister asked if I wanted to go to this summer carnival that was happening over at one of our local grocery stores. I wasn't really doing anything that urgent so I grabbed my sunglasses, my cane (which i ended up not using), and my purse. It was really hot outside. They were giving out hot dogs, soda, and chips for  50 cents (for all 3). I am on my diet but I decided just this once I would let myself cheat a little bit just because this was a once a year thing. The chips, hot dog, and soda were pretty good! I got my favorite Ranch Doritos, and a raspberry cream Shasta soda, and one of the hot dogs.  We sat at one of the yellow cloth covered tables ( actually the cloth was plastic), and then we ate. 

When I was done I started to walk over to where they were selling cotton candy and snow cones. Right before I left to go over to the line, my niece spilled her root beer. The tables were kind of slanted so the soda started running down the table. We had to stop it with a napkin and then go call someone to help us clean it up. They gave my niece another root beer, it was nice.  I walked over to the snow cone and cotton candy line and got a red ticket for 50 cents for the snow cone. I thought that once ticket got both a snow cone and a cotton candy but the guy that sold it to me was wrong. I only got the snow cone and by the time I got out of the line I didn't feel like cotton candy anyway, so no loss there. 

I just walked around and looked at the booths for a while. There was one where they were painting people's faces for free, and they had a few of those blow up slides and those inflatable jump things. My sister caught me when I was around there and she told me she was taking my nieces to the blow up slides and the other stuff. I just went inside the store (the carnival was outside). The store was pretty nice, it was a lot cooler than outside. I started just walking though the isles, and wandered over to the bakery where they were giving out bread samples. One of my friends, who is named Melissa caught me when I was looking at the cakes, she was at work cleaning the bakery, it was pretty nice to see her. We talked for a few minutes and then she went back to work. It was really nice seeing her there. I went and got a bread sample, the guy that was in charge of the samples teased me and said I couldn't have one because I knew her, he was just kidding of course. It made me laugh. 

I walked around the store a few times and bought some glow sticks after a while of wandering around. I don't like buying them on the 4th of July because they are usually over priced.  I looked at some makeup and some other fun stuff after I bought the glow sticks. I was over at the bakery again when I heard someone was waiting for me over the intercom in the store.  I rished over to where my sister was. I had been wandering around the store for probably 30 minutes by then, it was fun though.

We went and got an ice cream cone from somewhere in the store, I got a medium, chocolate, vanilla twist it was really good. My niece got a large one (they call them King Kongs here it's actually bigger than the normal large). She had gotten it without my sister noticing, my sister didn't really care though. I think my other niece just got a regular one.  We left the store after this with out ice cream and went home.

it is still pretty early in the afternoon here so don't be surprised if you see me time stamp and update this post again later. I'm pretty sure other cool stuff is going to happen today.  Anyway, that is all for now I will update for sure later in the day. 

EDIT: (it's Sunday June 26th now).

So I didn't get to update yesterday, sorry about that.

So yesterday after I posted I just went back to playing tetris, I did that for a while. I fell asleep after a while and slept for about 2 or 2 and a half hours. When I woke up my brother and sister in law were moving stuff around, cleaning up more. Our family room downstairs here looks a million times better. I don't want to give to many details here, I'll wait until we are finished for that. I just watched them do stuff and hung around my adorable niece for a little bit. After a while I picked up my Nintendo DS off my desk and started playing Diddy Kong Racing for a while. I'm not really the type of person that spends a lot of time playing games like DS games for a long period of time. I played DKR for about 30 minutes then just walked around the house for a while.

My sister was making cheese and chicken enchiladas for dinner, I just kind of watched her make them for a while. I went back downstairs after a while and played Tetris some more. In case if you are wondering why I play it so much, besides just because I love it I also play it because it helps keep my mind organized, and its a real stress reliever. I feel more relaxed when I play. I was also going through some lists of anime and stuff, figuring out what I'm going to catch up on or watch next.

We ate not to long after this, the enchiladas were SO good, they tasted like the ones from our local mexican restaurant. My sister brought out some sour cream, lettuce, and made some guacamole to go with the enchiladas.  We made Pink lemonade to go with everything it was really good.

I went downstairs and read books for a while after I ate. I just read and checked a few things on my computer on occasion until it was time for me and my brother to pick my sister and my nephiew up from the airport.

It was in the evening when we left and went to the airport. We just listened to rock music and talked on the way there. We missed the exit to the airport at some point and then had to track back a bit. We made it to the airport after about an hour I think. We parked between Terminal 1 and 2 because we weren't sure which terminal they were coming through at first. I was kind of sleeping in the car a bit, I woke up once I got out of the car. It's always weird for me going through the airport, it's just so big and there is so much going on. My brain has a hard time taking it all in sometimes.

We figured out it was Terminal 2 she was coming through. We check the arrival list and her flight was late, so we just walked around and visited the convenience store and looked around a bit at everything and looked at some books and stuff that was there. We went and sat down after a few minutes and I just watched youtube videos for a bit and then started playing games on my phone. We got up after a while and walked over to where she would appear. After a few minutes she came down the elevator with my nephew Jax in a stroller and we started looking for her suitcase after a few hugs and stuff.

We were all pretty wiped out, it was almost midnight by the time we were at this point. We just went to the car and drove home. We wouldn't fit the suitcase in the trunk so we just put it in the front seat and I sat in the back with my sister and Jax. Jax was sleepy, we all were, he was playing with my hair and touching my face, it was so cute.

When we got home it was nearly 1am and everyone was asleep. We just brought everything in and I went downstairs and crashed on my bed. I do this thing every night before I go to bed where I just lie there and search random stuff on my phone, it's become a regular habit. It makes me tired, I look up just random stuff or play games to wind down or read, it's nice.  Sometimes I watch short movies and stuff. I usually sleep better if i wind down like that. 

Anyway, so that was yesterday.

So yesterday was basically a Tetris marathon. I haven't done one of those for a long time. I do a tetris marathon every once in a while because it gets my brain going. Usually if I have a lot to think about or am worried about something I play tetris as well. It's a real stress reliever, and I think it even improves my reflexes. I've always loved playing Tetris. I started playing Tetris when I was 3 years old. My family would play Tetris on our old Windows 95 computer, that is how I started. I seem to get bored a lot with some other things but I never get tired of tetris.

I play on Tetris Friends. Surprisingly enough I did not know about this website for the longest time, I actually found out about the facebook application first and then discovered it after playing on that a few times. Tetris Friends is my main source for playing tetris now, they have so many different variations of tetris on the website it's a lot of fun.

I've been playing tetris for the most part all day today as well. I kind of slept in late, it was early afternoon when I woke up so I didn't get much done today. I just hung around the house for the most part. My sister and sister in law were down here in the basement for a while trying to figure out how they could re-arrange and / or clean up and make the basement look better. Our basement is a mess. I can't wait until we can make it actually look livable, right now it's just filled with computers, and various things strewn across tables and stuff it's pretty crazy. We also have a bathroom down here but we had to rip the wals out and stuff because it was getting mold and stuff. We still need to re-do the bathroom down here, we haven't gotten to it yet. Our whole house needs re-modeling really.

About a week ago I cut myself really bad shaving, I had to use 2 band-aids to coverup the cut, it bled for a while. I changed the band-aid twice already. I decided to just take it off today because it's scabbed over finally. Anyway, so I was taking it off and I discovered that part of the scab stuck to the band-aid so when I took it off I ripped part of the scab off. It hurt but surprisingly there was hardly any blood, I must have not pulled enough of the scab off for it to start bleeding again. I'm really glad I did not make myself bleed again because I really want it to heal as soon as possible. I was going to put on another band-aid, i thought about it but decided it's probably better for me to leave it off.

That is probably the most eventful thing I have gone through today.

I seem to start my day off with watching music a lot of the time. Most of the time when I get out of bed I start music right after. I noticed lately I like to look at pictures that depict how I feel or how I want to feel or stuff that symbolizes stuff I really love a lot. When I listen to music I look at pictures a lot, I never really noticed that until recently. I guess it just magnifies the effect of the music for me. When I have a lot of stuff to think about the pictures and / or music I look at and listen to often fit my mood. I find it really relaxing.

I've been listening to the Madoka Magica soundtrack today, it's one of my favorite anime and it has some pretty awesome music.

Anyway, I guess that is all for now. It's almost midnight and I'm kinda tired.

You know sometimes when you think about someone you really love, or something you really like and it just ignites this powerful feeling in you and it sometimes makes you cry? I love that feeling, it feels amazing. It's that feeling you get when you know you are lucky to have that person and they mean everything to you, or that feeling you get when you know something you really want to happen is going to happen. It sends chills up my spine, that is one of my favorite feelings, it sends chills up my spine.

My mom and dad are leaving for Tabernacle choir tour this week I'm really hoping they come back with interesting stories, I'm going to miss them this week though. My sister is also coming over here this week and my nephew too as well. I'm really excited for them to get here. My sister is going to help me dye my hair again while she is here, I'm so excited.  This week is going to be sort of quiet at first, I just know it but it's bound to pick up and get interesting later.

Still doing the HCG diet right now, already lost 10 pounds! I still have at least 3 and a half weeks to go on it, sometime near the middle of July it will end. I hope I can lose 10 more pounds by my birthday that would be awesome.I've had to be really careful this past week about what I eat because opportunities to break my diet came a lot, so I had to be that much more careful. My brother left for Indonesia just a few days ago, last Sunday we had burritos before he left, then the next day we had brownies and ice cream with fudge for my sister in law's birthday. We got to babysit my niece that day so my brother could take her out on a date it was fun. On Friday one of the brothers of one of my childhood friend Devin got married. I had cake at that reception and this really great BBQ chicken stuff on rolls it was awesome. I still managed to lose a lot of weight though despite these things. It's really quite amazing.

Most of this week has been sunny and warm, today was a little depressing, it was rainy, cloudy and cold, not my ideal Sunday. My mom and I spend a lot of the night yesterday cleaning my room, it was really messy she helped me hang up my clothes and clean up the garbage and vacuum the floor. My room looks a million percent better now. By the time we finished it was probably 1:30am. She did some laundry and cleaned up some other places as well. We wanted to get everything cleaned up before she and my dad would leave tonight.  I didn't get to bed until at least around 2:40am yesterday night. I had to wake up at 7am to get ready for church, so I didn't get much sleep. I felt kinda bad today, I was tired, and I had cramps, and I was kind of in a bad mood a little bit.  The morning was slow, I ended up not getting a ride to my church because I was a little behind and didn't get ready in time. I went to my other church though, over here by my house.

After church I was very tired, I actually left a little early because I felt weird. I went home and slept like I was in a coma, I was really tired. I felt a million times better when I woke up. We had chef salad for dinner and ice cream for Dessert. I went ahead and broke my diet once again because my parents are leaving for the week. the salad was amazing (I actually took a picture I'll put it up later).  I finished the 2nd season of Digimon again, I felt like watching it again, it's been a while and this was the Japanese version I like it a LOT more than the English dubbed version.  That is pretty much what I have done today.

EDIT: Okaaay here is the picture!

My mom and I went shopping on Friday, we just went to this thrift store called "Savers". I am usually surprised by what I can find there sometimes. I found my favorite shirt there, it was a really lucky find. We were there for about an hour or so. I was mainly looking for some new skirts, I got tired of wearing the same one every week. I managed to find a black one and a khacky one, both of them are really cute. My mom was nearly late to work, it was a close call because we stayed longer than we meant to. I had a lot of fun though. Going shopping is nice. 

I've been kind of tight on money, my Doctor's appointment I had a few weeks back, and my Dentist appointment I had a few weeks back as well cost a couple hundred dollars together, I was trying to save too so it kind of sucks ha ha.

Anyway, that is all I can think of right now at this moment. if I forgot anything and I remember later I will update.

Today was a perfect day weather wise. It was sunny and there were only a few clouds in the sky.  My mom started re-arranging the furnature in the living room again and moved around the plants. Our plants have gotten really big over the years so we gave them a really big trimming today. Our tropical rubber plant is only half the size or smaller than it was before. We brought a few plants outside and washed them off they had a lot of dust and stuff on them. The living room looked really empty without the plants there it's always weird when we move them around and stuff. 

In the coarse of this time I did a few things.  It was about 11am when I woke up, I went ustairs and got my HCG bottle from my mom, I started the HCG died today again. The first 2 days you are just supposed to make sure you stay full, doesn't really matter what you eat, I'm still a little careful though. I lost about 25 pounds last time I was on it.  After the two days of just eating like that it becomes really restrictive, I will explain it some other day though. 

Anyway I took my HCG drops, and ate a couple cornbread muffins for breakfast and a yogurt. I grabbed the last bit of raspberry cranberry apple juice out of the fridge and drank that. I looked outside and much to my joy the weather was quite perfect. it was in the mid 70s, or upper 70s, something like that. Days like today are why I love spring so much. It wasn't too hot or too cold, and there was a light breeze in the air. The allure of the weather was too much for me to resist I just had to go outside for a walk or a jog. I got on my new running shoes and walked over to our local track. I did a few laps around it, just power walking. I was totally off in my own world daydreaming about various things, it was really  nice and it was very relaxing. I ran home after that and drank a whole bunch of water, then ate some beef stew for lunch.

When I got home I just got on my computer for a few minutes and listened to music, and watched a little anime. I checked on Destiny Online a few times, had a few disconnection issues but I resolved those. It wasn't long before I was outside again. I love warm sidewalks, it felt so nice just to sit there on the driveway just looking at the sky. I was on my stomach for a few minutes just thinking about stuff, but got tired of watching all the bugs coming towards me so I got on my back for about 3 minutes or so and just gazed at the sky it was very pretty today. I sat up after a few minutes and watched my dad cleaning off the plants and some other stuff.  My next door neighbors and their kids were picking fruit off their trees that they planted last year, it was cute to hear the kids complain about their chores and stuff.  Off in the distance I could hear people mowing lawns and talking, it was really nice today, one of the best days so far this year.

I went back inside after about 30 or 40 minutes and just walked around seeing what everyone was up to.  I went downstairs and played iPhone games for a while after this, I fell back asleep for about an hour after playing games for a while. After I got up I checked on my Destiny Online client, and then just read some of the Level Thumps books after that for a couple hours.

I felt like looking for old TV shows I used to love when I was growing up. I looked for one particular one called "Mystery science Theater 3000.  You should look it up it's totally hilarious. I watched that for about an hour. 

My room was feeling a little stuffy so I opened the window to let some fresh air in it felt so nice.  I just went back to doing things on the computer after this. I did a few things on deviantART and COLOURlovers.com. 

I asked my dad to make some home made macaroni and cheese, I love home made macaroni and cheese a lot. We had that for dinner and him and my mom went out to do various things after this. Nothing much happened after that, I fell asleep for another hour,  here I am now. I'm about to go to bed soon, it's past midnight now. I've been typing for about 15 minutes now. I think I will just stop here. People are trying to message me on MSN haha. 

Anyway, so that was my day it was over all a lot of fun.

Looks like this is going to be another late night entry.

I got back from Seeing the 4th Pirates movie about 2 hours ago.  It was pretty amazing I think my favorite one yet.  My mom got tickets from her work, it was some kind of work party. They booked the movie in one of the better movie theatres over here I was glad it wasn't one of the ones with the really small screen and / or bad sound quality.  I was a bit skeptical at first, but as I watched the movie I got more and more into it.

Yesterday was a bit annoying. I woke up for an even ton Destiny Online only to discover I had log in issues.  Seems like every time the staff create a new patch 3 new game bugs pop up. It is a regular occurance lately, there is a lot to be annoyed with so far as Destiny Online goes right now.  I'm actually going to be decreasing my gaming time soon, on this game at least.

I have tried 3 other games this week. Lord of the Rings Online, Guild Wars, and Legend of Edda Online. All 3 are a huge improvement over Destiny Online.  I especially love Lord of the Rings online. I think I might become a VIP member sometime.

So that is what I have been doing for most of the week, just looking up games and trying them out, nothing to exciting.  I have some other things I want to blog about but it's kind of late so I will leave the rest for later. I just didn't feel like waiting to write about this until later, I wanted to write at least a little.

Very boring weekend, I didn't really have anything to write about. Yesterday was pretty fun. The day up until the afternoon was pretty uneventful, I slept in late, woke up about noon. I read manga for a few hours after I woke up.  My mom made a whole bunch of sandwiches, and cut up a pineapple, we bought some chips and got everything ready to do a picnic outside. My brother, sister in law and my niece came as well. We set everything up outside. When we were about to eat however it started raining and we had to rush everything inside. We ended up eating our picnic inside, I thought that was kind of funny. I ate an eg sandwitch, and had some pineapple. We also had some grape and orange soda. We usually don't drink soda in my family so it was nice.

I went back downstairs and watched "Ponyo" after this. A little while later we left for the cemetery to put flowers on the graves of various family members. We packed 2 cars full of people. I was in the car with my niece, my sister in law and my 2 brothers. We joked about how we were in the car with the cool people.  The other car had my other 2 nieces, my sister and my mom and dad. It was a pretty fun drive to the cemetery. We listened to Timberland and my niece was being really cute in the car. We were going to go to the store but ended up not going. I was a little disappointed because I was craving chocolate.

When we got to the cemetery we just went around putting flowers down on various family members graves. We were pushing my niece in a stroller and she was looking around everywhere with really wide eyes. Her eyes are so blue, she looked adorable.  Whenever we got a a grave we mentioned something about that family member and pointed out the various other people that were also buried there. Sometimes we looked at some people's graves that we didn't even know, some of the names were pretty weird.

We drove home after that, my niece fell asleep in her car seat, it was really cute. After we got home I grabbed an orange creamsicle out of the freezer and went downstairs. I just watched Detective Conan, and looked up MMORPGs I might want to play. To the best of my memory nothing much happened after that. I did end up downloading "Legend of Edda" a MMORPG that I had played a few months back, but after I re-installed my operating system I didn't really think of downloading it again until now. I have just been playing that today, it's a LOT more fun than Destiny Online quite honestly. I just hope I can make a lot of friends on it like I did on Destiny. 

Anyway, I guess that's all for now.

Late night entry because I don't feel like sleeping, or rather my mind is too busy to let me sleep.

It's around 2:30am right now, sorry I did not get around to posting earlier, I got kind of occupied with playing Angry Birds.

In my church we have this service for the poor, it's called the Bishop's Storehouse. Basically people do an order for food or clothes, baby stuff, etc. They give the stuff completely free, it's rather nice. Some of the stuff isn't really top quality (mostly just the bread, and the potatoes are kind of small). My family has been having financial problems so sometimes we don't have enough money to buy groceries sometimes. We go to the Bishop's Storehouse when we need food sometimes, we did that yesterday afternoon. I buy the bread, potatoes and some other little things with my money, but everything else we get there. We went today and picked up a whole bunch of food. We picked up can's of soup, fruit, cereal, milk, and a whole lot more. We actually had to get 2 carts because we couldn't fit all of the food in one kart. I was really surprised by just how much food we got, it had been a while since I had been to the Bishop's Storehouse. I was feeling a bit queasy when we were there but it passed pretty quickly.  I was also feeling tired when we were walking around getting our food, I wasn't all there I guess you could say, I was daydreaming as well kind of.

It was a very nice day yesterday, perfect weather in my opinion. Not to hot and not to cold, it was just simply perfect. I was glad to get outside after we were done, the storehouse was really busy and kind of camped.

I unloaded the groceries with my sister and dad when we got home and then played games on my iPhone for a while, then took a nap. You'd be surprised just how much a little social interaction like that can drain me.

Destiny Online gave me a bit of grief today. I have people constantly asking me for things in the game all the time. I got tired of it earlier and bought some game currency and just decided to pay some people some stuff I owed a little early, some game items and stuff to get them off my back. I was going to wait 5 or 6 days but it was really getting on my nerves. Not to my surprise someone blabbed it out that i was giving out free game gold and people started messaging me right and left, it just about drove me insane. I had people asking me for the craziest things. I like giving people stuff in the game but tonight was just too much. I feel like people were extra demanding this time and that was really annoying. Now I know how the other gold buyers feel.

I have my own guild in the game, and a lot of friends, if it weren't for this I would probably quit. The game itself isn't really that spectacular and honestly I'm starting to feel again like I should just leave everything behind because of the way it's making me feel. I think I have bitten off more than I can chew in game. If I do decide to quit, it will be most likely soon.  I will have a lot o stuff to work out if I quit though. I just needed to talk about this because it was really getting on my nerves. I know that quitting would probably be the best decision, but it's harder than you might think for me. I don't make friends that easy, and I have a lot of friends on Destiny Online which really says something. I will probably end up quitting anyway though. I feel like I'm growing up a little more and it's getting weird just staying on a kind of pointless game like that that I really hate. I only stay for the people, I absolutely hate the game and the staff. I'm starting to thin it's not very healthy for me to play it.

Anyway, these are my late night thoughts. I should probably get some Zz's now.

Hope you enjoy it!

In case if anyone is wondering who this is about, it's not really about anyone. It's just something I wrote out of nowhere, it happens often. haha. 

Edit: The audio for Sunrise (posted on April 8th) is also up now finally! just go HERE

Bright emerald flames
Catch my heart on fire
My soul burning
My heart beating fast
His eyes they burn through me
His voice entrances my thoughts
I can’t escape this trap
Fire coursing through my veins
I said i would never love him
My feelings behind that iron door
I thought they could never escape
The sparks ignite, I hear them
An infinate power, a longing desire
I must be crazy, i’m going insane
This venom, this poison
I’m breathing, I’m gasping
I’m hopeless, incurable
I’ve fought this for so long
but now my strength is gone
I love him, there is no cure
For this venom, this emerald fire
This feeling that burns through my soul
I’m caught under his spell
I’m falling under,  I burn to ashes

I've been feeling really weird today, like when you feel when you are really hungry and your stomach is about to growl. Only when I eat something it doesn't go away. I think it's that beef stuff I ate yesterday night, it tastes pretty good but I think my stomach wasn't to fond of it. I've been feeling a little under the weather today, and I seem to be a little cold sensitive too. I get those random days when everything I touch seems to give twice the feeling it normally does, things feel colder or hotter, it's really strange. I went to church today still even though I felt this way, though I ended up lying down on the couch and listening to the scriptures on my iPhone for the last 2 hours of church. Sitting down seemed to make it stronger.  I took a 3 hour nap after church, I think that helped a lot. I think I was feeling like that also because I didn't get enough sleep yesterday. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes, sometimes I just don't feel like sleeping though. It's been rainy and a little cold today, still in the lower 50's but it felt a lot nicer than it's been feeling. The rain felt extra cold on my skin today however, I really hate that feeling.

Anyway, I just thought I would mention that, but I want to talk about something else.

I don't blame people for doubting me, I have a lot of things I have to overcome and I have not tried my hardest in the past. I was often lazy and did things half hearted. I wish I had tried harder at school, and helped more at home.  I think I used my vision problems and other impairments to get out of a lot of things. For me stuff being easy was first priority, I really regret that now. I think I passed up a lot of opportunities to become a lot stronger and make people see that I am not a weak person.

I think because of these mistakes people have come to think both in the past, and present that I can't do a lot of things. I see it everywhere I go, people always doubting me or telling me I can't do certain things. I know this misconception is mostly my fault, if I had tried harder I could have prevented it.  The times that hurt the most are when my own family members think I can't do something that with just a little help I could do, and learn to do on my own. I sometimes feel that my family and / or friends don't believe in me as much as they should. This feeling is more crippling than you can probably imagine.  It hurts when they doubt me or tell  me I can't do something I know I can learn how to do, it's a real confidence killer. I wish they would take bigger leaps of faith than they have, it's okay for me to make mistakes, I think they try and prevent me from getting hurt, but they also are preventing me from growing. I think I need to make mistakes to be able to grow. I know I'm in for a lot of hard times, but if they just believe in me a little more and don't doubt me as much it will be a lot easier.  I like to have as much support as I can, when I can get it.

I remember in high school they had doubts that I would graduate, I don't really blame them because I honestly didn't try as hard as I should have in school but instead of just looking at what I failed to do, they should have told me I could do it a little more. I remember they did encourage me, but I don't think they did it as much as they should have. I remember they were always tying to make things easier for me, to make things less stressful, I understand why but I think I was denied a lot of growth I could have had. Everyone makes mistakes, so I have no hard feelings.

I am excited to show people what I can do in the future. I feel like I am ready to show people who I truly am. I've been holding myself back so much. I know there are a lot of people out there that will believe in me and help me through it. I hope I can get my family and friends to see my stronger side, I want them to believe in me a lot more than they do now.

Anyone that knows me knows that I truly hate being dependant on things and people. I don't like to feel helpless, useless and unwanted. I have something that is bothering me, and that has been bothering me for a while. I really need to write it down. 

Because of my particular challenges I grew up with SSI income,  forgot when they cut me off, but I was still fairly young, cose to my teen years I think. I never worried about getting it again, I didn't even know what it was back then really. My parents always provided for me, they never pressured me to get a job, they knew it would be hard for me if I tried because of my bad vision and horrible social skills. We have been having financial problems ever since I was about 12 years old, my dad has been through various jobs and my mom has been working at a health food store for the past 10 years or so.  We've had our share of ups and downs when it comes to money. I'm actually pretty grateful I didn't grow up with the ability to buy everything I wanted, it was very humbling.

My parent's never really encouraged me to get a job, and I was just fine with that back a few years ago. They always talked about me just applying for SSI again. Around a few months after high school ended I got all the necessary doctors records and stuff needed to apply for it, I didn't really take it that seriously back then. I think when I applied back then I was a little too optimistic with what I said in the application. On top of this my eye doctor I was seeing at the time messed up somehow and said that my vision was better than it actually was. A few months later I was rejected for getting SSI.  I don't think I had that big of a reason to have it back then, not as much as I do now anyway.

I was scared of going out into the world, my parents never really taught me how to be independent much. I know how to buy groceries, and get around to certain places, but there are a lot of other things I don't know how to do. I never really thought about this back then, I wasn't ready to face the world and become a part of it yet. I was still hiding in a lot of ways. I think back then I wanted to use SSI more for getting out of responsibility than anything else.  I didn't think about re-applying for almost 2 years after I was  rejected.

In this period of time we found out about my mom and dad's heart problems and my mom was starting to have a lot of trouble with people at work, my dad had had some other things going on in his previous job that made it so he couldn't be payed. Some sort of lawsuit or something. After the recession a couple yeas back the place he was working started to have some major troubles. 

It was around summer last year when I started to apply for SSI again. To be truthful I was more than apprehensive to go in that direction again but I still was not ready to go out into the world, I had just begun to take some other personal issues seriously and I was taking care of those, working stuff out, getting things resolved. I still wasn't very educated in being independent.  On top of this my parents were so stressed with their job troubles, and some other stuff was happening in my family. I couldn't even think about getting a job, or even think about asking my parents to drive me around to a job, they were just so busy.  The skills I would need to have in order to function out in the real world, and get a job would not be easy for me to get and I wasn't about to put more stress on my parents by making them worry about how I would function around people i don't know in a work environment. It would have caused them a lot of stress to have to help me adjust to that kind of situation. I just decided to just give in no matter how much I hated it and just go the SSI route.

It was about 4 or 5 months after I applied I got accepted. We started spending the money right away. I got paid for the months I waited to be accepted, it was quite a bit of money. We got someone to build me an new closet and I got a new bed set as well. We bought some other things that I don't remember at the moment as well.  I was glad to have money, it made me a little more independent than before and this felt good. Plus, my parent's didn't have the burden of having to buy clothes and other stuff for me. I got a phone, and started helping my parent's pay the phone bill. 

as much as it is nice to have money however there is still a strong sense of dependency that I hate so much. My parents are still having some pretty bad troubles with their work and their health though. I'm so afraid to just go out and try getting a job because I know they would worry about me. I am so afraid of causing them stress so I have been just idling my time away on the computer and in my room. I just want to stay out of their way, but at the same time I know I will eventually need their help with learning how to function in the real world. I really hope things get better so I won't have to worry about just building up their stress, I feel like f I were to try and be independent now it would just cause more trouble. As I was saying before it's nice to have money, but i'm not really doing anything to earn it. the only reason why I qualified s because of my really bad vision, slow writing skills, bad social skills, and my utter lack of being able to even do some really simple things I should know by now. I only did it to get out of my parent's way. I hate being on SSI, even though I am thankful for having the money.

Truthfully I do feel really empty but I'm afraid of what will happen if I try and change things. I can't stay this way for long or I'll go crazy though. My world is missing so many puzzle pieces right now, there are so many holes I can't find the pieces to. I feel helpless and useless, and it's making me feel really depressed. I feel confined and controlled.  I'm so afraid of even telling people I have money because I know they will ask how I got it, where I work and I'm not going to tell them so willingly that I am on SSI. A lot of people will assume that I am disabled or stupid or something, i don't want that kind of false stereotype on my head because I am neither of those things.  I am just a little lost is all and I'm just trying to help my family get through these rough times we are going through. This was my way of pulling myself out of their way, I did it mostly for them. I'm not saying that I don't really have any good reasons of my own to be on SSI, I do, but it's nothing I can't overcome.  I wish I knew how to overcome all these problems, who to ask, where to go, what to do.When I was applying I had to quite literally pull out everything I could think of, I had to admit I had trouble with things I ignored before. This really bugs me a lot when I have to admit what is wrong with me.

i wish my parent's had taught me how to be more independint, how to take care of myself more. I was so lazy back wen I was younger I made them do everything for me. I don't even know how to do my own laundry. What kind of pathetic existence am I living anyway? I have so many regrets, so many things to face. My life is like a maze, and I'm so confused. It's foggy and cold in my world right now, all I cling to is this artificial sun. I want to live a normal life and have a job, be able to take care of myself.  that is what I truly want more than almost anything right now.

I started buying the groceries for my family lately, I like doing that, it feels nice to take off that extra burden. They arent able to d it right now and I don't spend that much so I just started doing it.

I'm planning on going back to school after Christmas. i decided to wait until then just to make sure I am ready, to get prepaired. I am REALLY hoping this is a sign of a turning point. If I have to live my life like this any longer it's going to take away all my life force and I'm going to lose my will to live. It's really hard.

I really hope my world clears up... I'm tired of artificial sunlight.

I really need to vent my mind again. I need to get this stuff out of my head.

I've never really written about Dylan that much in the past, Dylan is Darik's twin brother. You've seen me mention Darik about a billion times before in my previous blog posts.

Things are pretty much backwards now with me, if this was 5 or 6 years ago I'm pretty sure it would be Dylan that I would mention about a billion times in my blog posts instead of Darik.  about 10 and a half years ago when I met them I was around Darik more, I got a special attachment to him, he was there in one of the most terrifying times in my life, when I was learning how to go to a normal school, how to function around different people than I had before. I'm not here to talk about Darik though, I'm here to talk about Dylan.

Dylan isn't very hard to love he is funny, outgoing, smart, just amazing all around. I remember wishing that I had a class with him instead of Darik back in the 6th grade, i'm kind of glad now that it didn't turn out that way though, everything has a purpose and I don't think things would have had quite the same impact on me if it had been Dylan there instead of Darik.  I formed a more normal kind of attachment to Dylan than  did to Darik. My attachment to Darik is just a bit more complicated than my attachment to Dylan. anyway so I eventually got my wish in the 7th grade, we had an art class together and we got to spend a little more time around each other it as really nice to have him around like I had always wanted. I got even more attached to him because of having an oportutity like that to be around him more.

Though the years I started to have really strong feelings for him, and I think I unthinkingly created an illusion for myself that he cared about me as much as I cared about him. I think deep inside I knew all along that his feelings for me weren't even close to what I felt for him. I think I thought about it a few times but it scared me so much to think about it possibly being a 1 sided feeling with Dylan I just kind of shut it out and refused to realize it. Through all those classes and all those times I was around him I built up a dangerous illusion that we were getting closer, that he was starting to care about me more. He became someone very important to me, and I dare say that I even started to love him just a little bit though. At this point in time I was having some problems with Darik, I felt like I was getting closer to Dylan but felt the exact opposite about Darik even though I still had that special attachment to him still. 

I am so glad I realized around half way through the 9th grade that I should probably put a little distance between me and Dylan and Darik as well, even though I had already been doing that with Darik.  I kind of backed off from the both of them a little more, I didn't have any classes with Dylan half way through 9th grade so this really helped as well. Except for PE we didn't have any classes together, but the boys and the girls were separated in PE so I didn't really count that as having a class together. We had a weight room upstairs above the gym and it had a big glass window looking down on the gym. I remember looking down at him when I thought he wasn't looking.  I saw him with his other friends and noticed how different he was around me, I think that was the real beginning, the time I started to put my wall up to protect myself from being hurt. I think I made a good choice of pushing him away, I think I would have ended up being a lot more hurt in the future.

I genuinely started to try and get over Dylan in the 10 grade, I cared about him but I knew I could no longer have a crush on him, or whatever that was that I felt for him. We didn't have any classes together and we were starting to get more distant. I didn't reject it that much at that point in time but I didn't really accept it all the way either.  I still had strong feelings for Dylan but I was trying my best to tame them, it was a real pain to be honest. i've never had so much trouble with a guy before. 

towards the end of the 10th grade my best friend's boyfriend told me that they had been lying to him about being my friends and they had been saying some pretty bad stuff behind my back. I kind of let Darik off the hook on this one because I was pretty sure at the time he didn't like me even before I heard this, and I felt like because we hadn't been around each other that much he couldn't really judge me correctly and that is why it turned out that way. I wasn't really mad at him, but Dylan on the other hand was a different story. I had known this particular person that told me these things for even longer than I had known Darik and Dylan, plus he always claimed that he was their friend so I thought he new what he was talking about. I did confront Darik about what he said and he denied it. Even if he had really said some bad things about me I kind of felt like I deserved it because I hadn't been very fair to him. I was mad at Dylan though, even the notion of him saying things behind my back made my blood boil a lot. While Darik had an excuse, Dylan did not, he had had classes with me and thus he should have known better than to lie to me like that. I wasn't sure if what my best friend's boyfriend said was true, but I wasn't about to let Dylan off the hook just in case he was telling the truth.  I pretty much gave Dylan the silent treatment for the most part for a little more than half a year after that.  I only talked to him a few times, but not often, and it was mostly just saying hi to him.

I kind of gave him some slack a little when I learned him and his brother were leaving the high school to start college early. I let myself like him a little bit, and for the most part made piece with my feelings. I had some regrets but I think it was smart for me to sepirate myself from him like that for a while. I think it would have been a lot more painful for me to see him go if i hadn't done that.  It didn't feel weird at all when they were gone because I had kept my distance from them for a while,  I was really glad about this. I was sad that Dylan was gone and all, it hurt as well but it wasn't that weird. I still had a hard time accepting that he was gone all the way part way into the 12th grade.  He had given me a rose for valentine's day a few months after he left the school, this didn't really help me to completely get over him but I loved that rose so much I kept it all the way until august or September. I started to admit that it was probably time for me to start moving on for real, that went a lot smoother after I started talking to Sam. Sam is a whole different story though.

I felt more distant from Darik and Dylan with every month that past, I only saw them a handful of times between when they left and when I graduated. By the time they graduated I had developed feelings for someone else and they kind of felt like a distant memory to me, like a faded painting.

I saw them both a few times when I was at college. I felt indifferent to Dylan being there when I saw him. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel, he felt like a stranger, like I had never known him in the first place by then for some reason. I think I was starting to wake up and realize that world of illusion, that world where he cared about me, where they both cared about me was fake. Something I had not until them began to fully grasp. I had only managed to partly grasp it in the past, I don't think I was quite ready to accept the truth back then.  I didn't really think much of them being around, and even since the 9t grade I had been denying to myself at a certain level that I even liked either of them. This was a lot worse with Darik than it was with Dylan as some of you know.

Not soon after school ended both of them went on their LDS mission. I didn't write them at all but I did find their blogs online and followed along with their letters. I think I began to see them a lot differently than I had before just from reading those blogs.  It also helped me accept that I really did care about both of them like I had been denying for so long before. Part of me couldn't let go of them and part of me hated them and the part of me that hated them at the point in time before I started reading those letters was winning over. I managed to make piece with the fact that it was okay to care about them, especially Darik. At the same time I began to realize that I didn't really know anything about them, but kind of brushed that off for a while.

When I saw them for the first time after their missions almost exactly a year ago for the first time in a long time I admitted that I liked them both equally.  My feelings for both of them then had matured a lot. I no longer had a crush on either of them of course, I liked them just as friends naturally.  I was relieved to see both of them... well maybe Darik a little more to be truthful.  It was nice seeing both of them though.

I started keeping contact with them via facebook after that. It was nice to have some sort of connection with them again.

In the fall when they started school last year again the began to go to my ward in church.  I began to fix things with Darik finally. Darik and I kind of got a little closer, the exact opposite thing felt like it was happening with Dylan though. When I was fixing stuff with Darik I started to fully realize the difference between what I felt for each of then. My feelings for Darik and our situation really illuminated a lot of things that had to do with Dylan. I finally realized fully that I felt really insecure about our relationship, our friendship, whatever you call it. Things were so good with Darik that all these troubles finally manifested themself and it kind of freaked me out a lot. I was so sure before I fixed things with Darik that things were just fine with Dylan and I but I had somehow managed to cut my heart off from him without even realizing it. It was a really strange feeling to feel all this stuff for Darik all of the sudden that I had been denying myself from feeling and at the same time kind of feel numb for Dylan. On top of this I fully realized that I didn't really know anything about them, well almost nothing. This also scared me. I have tried asking them a few times but they never answer my questions, I think they are just too busy. I also think it has to do with how I know that our feelings for each other are vastly different. I've basically had to admit to myself that I will probably never know a lot about either of them. At least I know enough to call them friends.

I had managed to completely disillusion myself. I no longer lived in that fantasy world where he cared about as much about me as I did for him, I no longer lied to myself and told myself that I was close to either of them. When the illusion was gone it was really hard and it left me feeling a little out of place for a while. I have unique very distinguishable feelings for both of them. I think that special attachment I have to Darik has fully manifested itself however. I like them both equally, just in different ways. It terrifyed me a lot when I realized fully that I really didn't know very much about either of them. I had a hard time with this for a couple of weeks. I have pretty much fully accepted that we will probably never be that close. My feelings might be sone sided for the rest of my life.  At least they think of me as a friend however, even if they don't care about me as much as I care about them it will be fine from now on. I guess this stuff had to come with age, it's weird.

I don't feel as awkward around Dylan now but I do feel a bit more distant. I suppose this is for the best. I care about them both a lot. I'm just glad I quit living in a fantasy world, and I'm glad I straightened out my  feelings for both of them.  I have to admit it was hard for me to see them leave again to go work for the summer. I'm so used to having them be there still it was still a little hard to see them go again. I'm just glad they will be back in the fall again. 

Sorry if i missed any spelling errors, or typed words wrong. Sometimes I miss those in long posts like these.

So for a couple of years now, probably 3 or 4 I've been having some troubles with my wrist. I expect it has something to do withe the fact that I spend most of my time on the computer, and the repetetive movements I do with my fingers and wrist when I move the mouse. I try to be careful when I am moving the mouse around, I try not to click a lot, it causes my wrist to get worse sometimes. We are still trying to find out the whole cause of it hurting though. We also think it might have something to do with a Ganglion Cyst, I have one that appears sometimes and usually the times when it appears are the times i have been using the computer mouse more heavily, or have been doing repetetive movements with my hand or fingers. I have been trying to do more things that involve less mouse clicking lately. 

I have been meaining to go to the docktor and get it checked out for years now but I had no insurance until now. Since I am on SSI even though I hate being on SSI it has allowed me to get insurance finally, so now I can do stuf at the doctor now like i've been meaning to for years. I mentioned a few days ago that I had my first check up in a while, probably about 3 or 4 years. When I had that checkup my doctor took a look at my wrist and he said we could do a few things about it. One of those thingswas we could have an ultrasound done on it to see if they cold find anything wrong.

When I had my checkup a few days ago we also dicided to do my basic blood work as well, so I decided that when I got my ultrasound on my wrist I would also get my blood drawn since I would be at the hospital anyway.

We did this yesterday, a few hours after I posted my accent challenge post. It was cold and rainy, we left about 3:30pm.  When we got to the hospital my dad dropped me off at the door and went and parked. I just stood there in the lobby looking at the map and checked facebook on my phone really fast. Dad came inside the lobby about 2 minutes later and we walked to the place where I was going to get my blood drawn. The room was fairly medium size, it had booths that were separated by curtains. Each booth had one chair and 1 table to put your arm on for when they drew the blood. I sat down on the chair and watched the nurse get the stuff ready. She asked me if I was fasting and I said no, then she told me to put my arm on the table. I hadn't gotten my blood drawn in years but I still remembered the last time I got it drawn, so I wasn't that nervous because I remembered t didn't hurt at all really.  I remember when I got it done the first time, and the only other time I have had it done. I was pretty scared the first time, I looked away that time, I probably should have done it this time as well.

There is something really weird about watching a needle being shoved up your vain in your arm. I think me watching her do it actually made it hurt a little. She had tied one of those rubber tourniquet things around my arm, I don't really know what those are for, but i think it's part of the reason why it doesn't hurt that much. She pulled it off when the needle was still inside my arm. it didn't really make that much of a difference, but i made me a little nervous,  I think this little bit ov nervousness was also from watching the needle inside my arm as well though. I was glad when she took it outof my arm and taped it off. It wasn't really that traumatic, but I was glad to have it over with, and wished that I hadn't looked.

After this we went to the imaging center to get the ultrasound on my wrist done. When we got to the office they showd mea  sheet of information and told me to verify it, after I did that they told me to sit down and wait. I just played around with my iPhone for a while and about 10 minutes later they called me in. It was in a dimly lit room with a normal medical bed. I sat down on the bed and layed my hand on my leg. The doctor put this jelly stuff on my wrist and she began to to over my wrist with the machine. I had never had an ultrasound before so this was really interesting to me, even though i didn't see anything on the monitor it was still a pretty cool experience, it made me curious. The doctor told me that they would have a look at the pictures and they would get back to me today. We left after this.

We went to the store after that and picked up some fruit, juice, nuts, and a few other things. We had picked up my mom just before this so she was with me and my dad. They got occupied with a presentation they were doing, I think it was some kind of blender. We were at Costoco, and I just decided to go see if there were any books I would be interested in. sometimes there are some pretty neat books. There were also some old TV shows on DVD, including Perry Mason which I love a lot. I was so tempted to buy the DVDs.  I managed to un glue my parents from whatever they were doing and we picked up some chips and a few other things and went through the checkout stand. I was really hungry and got a piece of pizza. I love costco's pizza it is my favorite!

We went home after this and I just got back on the computer after unloading the groceries. I moderated the Destiny Forums for a while and read some stuff on Xanga as well. I took a nap for a few hours after this. Nothing much else happened after that, just the usual so far as I can remember. It was a pretty interesting day.

today I got the results back, they came back normal, I think I just need to rest my wrist more so the pain won't come back. I was just reading doing that can help the cyst go away, and the pain as well. I have been being more careful lately and I think it has been working. Even before I read about it I kind of guessed that t would help if i didn't do as many repetetive movements.

It's been kind of a boring rainy day today. I've been catching up on some anime and starting some new ones. Anyway, I guess this is all for now. I might go on COLOURlovers for a while after this. I actually forgot to give you the link to my profile on there last time. 

Starberry

Forgive me for not doing a vlog! I am not to fond of cameras right now (being in front of them). I will do one for you sometime in the future, just not now.

Hope you guys liked it!

So today was my sister's birthday. She is turning 32 (she is 10 years older than me).  My day started off pretty normal, just the usual, watching anime, facebook, various things on my phone, surfing youtube, listening to music. Nothing much happened until 1pm. We left to go see "THOR" in 3D at about 12:45 noon. We thought the 3D one started at 1pm, it turns out the 3D one started at 1:30pm, not 1pm. We decided to just get our seats anyway even though we were a half an hour early. We just sat there and talked fora  while. After about 10 minutes we went ahead and bought our drinks, popcorn, and candy. I just snacked on mine until the movie started.

the previews were a mix between 3D and non 3D it was a little weird. Some of them were in 3D and some weren't.

I'm always kind of a little skeptical when I go to a new movie now a lot of the time. I have seen so many badly made movies that are new, it just kind of made me not really want to hope for anything when I got to a new movie. I kind of let myself hope it would be good this time because my sister said it was great, she saw it a few days earlier. She wasn't wrong about that at all. The movie was very well made and I enjoyed the story and the action. I would recommend "THOR" to anyone, everyone should see it, it is pretty brilliantly made.

In case you were curious what I got at the concession stand I got a Sprite, Recess Pieces, and popcorn for myself. My sister got a few things for her self. I was the one that payed.

After we got out of the movie it was pretty cold and rainy, we hurried and got into the car. We went home after this. I did stuff on Destiny Online for about an hour, then I got on COLOURlovers and did stuff on there for a while, it's a really fun site. Nothing much besides that happened besides me catching up on the "Unofficial One Piece Podcast" until dinner.

We had chicken, potatoes, salad, and broccoli for dinner. We had coconut Cream pie for my sister's dessert. My family isn't very big on cake, which is a good thing for me since most of the time the stuff makes me gag.  We sat around the table during this just talking about baby stories, and teenager stories, it was pretty fun. My niece's were in the background annoying each other most of the time the rest of us were talking.  Most of my attention was focused on my cute little baby niece, she was being really adorable.

Anyway, that is all that has happened until now. It's always fun to see my family making dinner, my mom made the pies and I think my dad did the chicken... not sure exactly who made what but it's always fun to see my family get together like this because it's so rare.

Darik re-activated his facebook about 2 days ago, I never mentioned this, in fact I don't think I mentioned that he deactivated it in the first place I don't think.  I'm just happy to have him back on, it's one of the really limited places that I get to see him. It's really depressing when I lose a line of communication with him, he is a very cool friend. I want to tell you about how I racted to this but not now.

I'm actually staying off Destiny Online this week for the most part. I decided it would be better for me to talk a break. I played a little bit today but only for an hour, and on a different server. I think it's starting to interfere with too many things so I'm going to wind down again, plus I'm kind of tired of having to mention it so many times on here. I've been playing it so much that is how it's been turning out, it's kind of been irritating a little.

Anyway, my brain is kind of dead, i wanted to say more but I can't think right now ha ha.  I'm just going to go watch movies again.

Forgive me for being so out of it on Xanga lately.  I have just needed some time to myself for a while. I decided to devote more time to Destiny Online for a while, killing monsters, and talking with friends can be very relaxing.  I have thought about Xanga every day, even though I haven't written anything for almost two weeks. I try to stop when I start feeling like it's a little forced, I was starting to feel that way and decided I needed to slow down a bit for a while. It's been a pretty uneventful month so far anyway, besides Darik and Dylan going off to work for the summer, Kayla getting baptized, me getting sick for the first time in forever, and having to deal with a few other things.

I had my first doctor's appointment in probably 3 years. it was just a general checkup. I have a new doctor now so we just got t know each other a little and he just did a normal check up. I told him about some problems I am having with my wrist, and some weird stuff i hear in my ears sometimes, turns out that is normal, but my wrist is going to be checked out in a few days, they are also going to do my basic bloodwork. I have to get my blood drawn sometime this week. It was pretty nice meeting my doctor, we just talked for a while. I can't wait to meet the other doctors there, they seem pretty good. I am going to another doctor for my wrist exam. I will make sure to update you on that when it happens.

Anyway, so the past few weeks i've been really active on Destiny Online, I even started buying gold and training a lot more and participating in the events more. I think I am starting to wind down again though, I might become less active in a while, it's starting to wear on me, and I think i'm going to stop buying gold as well. The game itself isn't that great, i just mostly bought gold for it because I have a lot of friends on there and i wanted I catch up to them in level. If you look at my activity patterns on Xanga since I joined you will notice I have a few activity gaps, some of them are quite large, especially in 2009. I can honestly say that most of these were caused by the game. I started being more active on the game and the exact opposite happened on here every time. I feel a little bad about this so I try not to stay away for too long every time I disappear.

I said a few weeks ago I was coming back to Xanga in full swing, I decided to wait a little longer. I still felt a little pressured at the time, so I decided to just let it be for a bit longer. I never forget about Xanga though.

Anyway, I have a lot more I want to say but I will save it for tomorrow, I'm really tired ha ha.

Wow so I was sick for the first time in AGES. I usually never get the flu, but I caught it about 2 days ago. It's gone now but I was pretty drained for a couple of days and didn't feel like posting. Earlier this week the rest of my family caught it before I did. I usually am the one that misses it entirely even though if the whole family gets sick I usually never catch it.  About Tuesday night I was starting to feel sick, around midnight. i just kind of dismissed it as not getting enough sleep because that has happened before. When I don't get enough sleep sometimes.

the whole night I was having sick dreams mixed with dreams about Destiny Online, and some other world I just guess I made up in my head. There were random things like rainbows out of nowhere, and I remember through the whole time I was sleeping the one thing I was thinking about even in my dreams is that I was probably or about to throw up. At about 6:30am I woke up and I was feeling pretty bad then. I went to the bathroom and let it all out. I must have thrown up like 4 times before I tried to stop it.  I cleaned it up the best i could after that. I hit me about a minute later that I was sick. I was a bit baffled by this because I usually never catch anything my family catches. I supposed it was bound to happen sometime. 

So, the last two days have been a mix of drinking Gatorade, eating crackers, watching movies, anime, playing Destiny Online, sleeping, and listening to music. I didn't really feel like doing much else. I did't have the energy to get on Xanga and post even though I thought abut it multiple times. So that has been my last two days. I did get married on Destiny Online. The guy I got married to on the game is just a friend of course. ha ha.  Here is a few pictures from the wedding! (This happened yesterday night).

If you want to see more photos of this or me in game in general you will have to go here. >>> Starya Destiny

Anyway, those are just a few screenshots I took for my friends that missed it.

Nothing much has happened today. i tired to eat regular food today, it seems to be going pretty well. I've already eaten Rice Chex and a Yogurt successfully. I just woke up from a nap. I've just been playing games all day and working on writing. Not much to share right now at the moment.

Wow, so a lot has happened the last few days. First of all my 8 year old niece got baptized into the church on Saturday (I am LDS). It was a pretty neat experience. There weren't very many people there, just mostly family. There was this amazing feeling in the room, the spirit was strong there. It was nice to talk pictures with everyone after, I didn't get in any of the pictures, it was mostly my niece and my mom and dad and sister and a few other people. Kayla had been excited for that day for a very long time.

Afterward we went home and got our clothes changed out of the Sunday dress attire. We went to Golden Coral and ate after this.. Golden Coral is a buffet. I had a salad first, then had chicken, mashed potatoes, onion rings, 2 kinds of rice, carrots, broccoli, and a few other things. I got a little bit of everything. I had chocolate ice cream, and then orange sherbert ice cream and fudge after for dissert. It was nice to eat out with the family. My nieces were very hyper and it was a little hard to get Kayla to eat because she was busy blowing bubbles in her milk it was pretty cute.  I usually do not eat as much as I did there, it was fun though.  The resteraunt was VERY busy, there were a LOT of people there. I guess Saturdays are the busiest day of the week for them. I personally prefer Chukarama to Golden Coral.

Other than that nothing much happened on Saturday or Friday either. I've been in thinking mode for the past couple of days, and gaming which is why i haven't written anything. I had a lot I wanted to think about, I wasn't quite ready to put it down on my blog yet.

Darik and Dylan are moving to Casper Wyoming for the summer.  They are doing work related stuff there for the next 4 months. I won't see them at church or anywhere else until then. I have to admit this is a little hard for me. I am so used to having them around, I have known them since I was 11 year old. I have always loved it when they are around they are realy amazing friends.  this makes it so much harder to say goodbye to them for 4 months. I am just glad they will be coming back. I will miss both of them until then, especially Darik...

On Sunday I got up at 7am like usual, got ready for church, and ate breakfast as usual. I had a hard time finding a ride to church this week, I was actually late, my friend had to come pick me up. We were a little late for sacrament meeting. During the talks in sacrament meeting I was falling asleep on accident when suddenly I heard Dylan's voice,  he went up and gave his testimony (it was testimony meeting day we have 1 week out of the month where w fast as a ward and have a testimony meeting where anyone can get up and bear their testimony).  As I was saying, Dylan got up and did his testimony and I was WIDE  awake after that. Darik also got up, this made me just as happy as seeing Dylan up there. I didn't do it this time, I didn't really feel like it.

I met up with Darik and Dylan after Sacrament meeting, we talked a little. I asked Dylan something I don't remember what it was though. I asked Darik where his family was moving because i heard they were moving a couple of days ago. turns out they aren't moving very far, just to another house about 2 blocks away. I was happy to know they aren't really going anywhere (their family).  I was dredding that day for weeks, the last day I would see them for 4 months, it was pretty hard saying goodbye to them. I am glad I got to talk to Darik a decent amount though. We talked about stuff we are planning on doing, and I very clearly expressed that I was going to miss him a lot, I did this with Dylan too of course. I made sure I got to sit at least close to them in sunday school, and I made sure we saw each other after church.  It was hard seeing them walk away.  I am glad I have both of them on facebook.  I am definitely going to feel the void of them not being there when i go to church this Sunday.

Nothing much happened after church, I spent most of the day on Destiny Online, same with today. I usually don't spend very much time on the game but I needed to get my mid off of stuff.  Anyway, I guess that is all for now.

I know I posted an entry like an hour ago but oh well ha ha. 

My family didn't get to get together for Easter on Sunday. There were a lot of us missing. As some of you now Easter was fairly normal, nothing much happened. We decided we would have another dinner today, with more people. My sister in law and her baby, and both my brothers were here. I just finished eating, we had garlic, and BBQ chicken, salad, toppings for salad like cheese, tomatoes, etc. It was over all pretty good, even better than the Sunday Easter dinner and that one was pretty nice.

I've always loved family gatherings like this. My family is usually scattered here and there, we don't get to see each other that much with work, and school and babies, stuff like that always keeps us apart so when we finally all get together it's always nice.

We don't have any curtains or blinds in our kitchen right now, when sunset comes around the sun shines in people's faces when we sit around the table and do stuff. We have this old whiteboard, or cardboard thing (I forgot what it is haha), we keep it around for occasions like this. It's really funny when we are trying to ajust it so the sun is in nobodies face. We were talking about how it's probably time t just buy more curtains, or blinds or something so we don't have to keep doing this as funny as it is.

We do have this big shade that my mom and dad use in their room. We were joking about just moving that shade from room to room when the sun gets in our way it was funny. I don't think we would ever do that, it would be too weird.

Anyway, that was pretty interesting, my niece Andrea was in the background making noise while this was happening, she is really starting to be vocal, its super cute. She is so adorable I love her ha ha. She started being a little fussy so we brought her to the table and gave her a toy to play with for a while. We keep these old toys around, mostly stuff from when we were babies, we like to keep old stuff like that, it has a lot of memories in it.  We put her down for a nap after a while. 

It was fun watching my mom and dad prepare dinner, I've always liked to watch them do that. I know one of these days I'm going to have to help out.

Anyway, guess that's all for now. Nothing much is happening at the moment. I will update again if anything happens.

Highlighting some of the most important people to me in my life. This will have multiple parts. I might even write about someone more than once.

I think I will do Darik first since I write about him so much. ha ha.

What is Darik to me?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, I’ve never thought about putting the answer into words it’s always just been something I feel. I’ve never thought of it being something I really needed to put into words but now I feel like doing that.

What I feel for him can’t be explained with 1 word or even 1000 words.  Think of a person, a person you know, a person that has impacted your life in every way.  Think of a person whos existence coming into your life changed it in more ways than you can describe, changed the way you think, they way you live, how you see the world.  this person can make you smile just from once glance, can make you laugh with out even trying to, can give you motivation just by being around, can wipe away your bad mood just by saying 1 word.  Think of a person who you would do anything to make them happy, a person who you would sacrifice everything for.

Not very many people can claim to this level of importance in my life. My feelings for him can only be explained in 1 way. Darik is so important to me, he has changed my life so much that if he were to be removed from my past, I can’t really say the outcome would be that great. Meeting him changed me in more ways that either of us can comprehend.  From the first time I talked to him I could feel something changing, from the first time I met him he has always had my attention. Even before I knew anything about him both my consciousness, my heart, and my sub conscious just grabbed onto him and never let go. I have never questioned why, or how this happens with some people, it just happens, and not very many people have effected me this way.  The only person that can top this is Sam, but that is a whole other story.

I’m not easily influenced by people, and I don’t really pay attention to very many people in all honesty.  Sometimes however, I meet a person that i can just not ignore no matter how hard I try to.  This is a category in my life that only 4 or 5 people outside of my family can claim to. Outside the obvious ones like God, family, that kind of thing there aren’t very many people that I can honestly say effect me a lot.  I know that my feelings are most likely not returned by him but that is not important to me, the fact is that his importance in my life is so huge it can not be described completely.  

It’s not like I am in love with him or anything like that, this is different, but it holds the same amount of power.  just trying to express all these feelings in writing is harder than you imagine. It took me several hours of hard thinking to really think up a decent answer, and as you can see it is not a small one.   Imagine a bunch of threads, each color of thread represents a person that is in your life. As you go along with life the threads of the people you meet, the people you know are slowly weaved and sewed together to make the intricate design that is life.  Some threads take up more space, and hold a bigger part in the design on the fabric of life, hold it together, and / or keep it from unraveling.   Darik is one of those bigger designs on the fabric, one of the ones that keeps it from falling apart, that holds it together.  He is a huge part in my existence along with a few other people.  

Anyway, I just had to write this down. I actually typed this up in Google docs before I posted it. I wasn’t sure if i was going to share it but then I thought about it more and decided to post in on Xanga.  I will be writing about more people that are important to me in the future.

My Easter was pretty normal yesterday. I woke up at 7am, got ready for church, did the usual before church like listen to music and stuff. My church is at a different building now so I have to get a ride with whoever I can. We were a bit late to church, actually we were about 15 minutes late for church and nearly missed the sacrament part of the meeting. Most of the talks in church this week were about the atonement of Jesus, or jesus in general. I had brought a pocket full of jellybeans I bought on Saturday and just ate them through the meeting.

Darik and Dylan are moving away for the summer, I was hoping I would see them yesterday after the first part of church was over. Turns out they left right after, I think most likely because of Easter, they were probably doing something with their family.  I think I saw Dylan, but I wasn't really paying attention, I had a lot on my mind then. I really was hoping I would see Darik, at this point in time I did not know they had gone yet, I thought they had perhaps gone to another class or something. I didn't know they were gone so I kept an eye out for them through the whole 3 hour church block, hoping I would see Darik.

I don't remember what we talked about in the Sunday school portion of church, but in Relief Society they gave out little chocolate eggs. I love chocolate a lot. I left right after reliev society, it is the last hour of church. 

When i got home I just watched some of the old seasons of "Power Rangers'. I know that is probably strange but I love watching old cheesy TV shows, there was really great TV shows in the 90s when i was growing up. I remember watching the Power Rangers in secret, my parents didn't think it was a very good show. I'm sure if they saw it now they would change their mind though considering the crap that is on TV nowadays.

I waited for dinner to be done and just watched anime and stuff while I was waiting. I checked on my Destiny Online client a few times, I didn't play much yesterday.

Dinner was pretty great. We had steamed carrots and potatoes,  roast, and Salad. It was pretty great, especially the roast. We didn't really do anything that special, besides the dinner. I went back downstairs and watched movies and stuff, nothing much happened after this. I fell asleep early again. 

We had all our easter stuff done on Saturday. My nieces wanted to have the Easter egg hunt on Saturday for some reason. We dyed eggs and did the easter egg hunt with candy filled eggs.  I went to the grocery store and bought some bread and yogurt and other stuff. I also got the jelly beans I mentioned earlier when i went to the store. Saturday was pretty fun.  It was pretty rainy that day though, kid of depressing for the day before easter. Another great thing that happened on Saturday was the last 2 episodes of my favorite anime came out. My favorite anime is "Puella Magi Madoka Magica". The anime is amazing in every way. They were supposed to release the last two episodes at the time of the Japan earthquake and the episodes were delayed. It was worth the wait in every way though.

Anyway, I guess that is all for now.