May 21, 2011

• This Really Bugs Me

  Anyone that knows me knows that I truly hate being dependant on things and people. I don't like to feel helpless, useless and unwanted. I have something that is bothering me, and that has been bothering me for a while. I really need to write it down. 

  Because of my particular challenges I grew up with SSI income,  forgot when they cut me off, but I was still fairly young, cose to my teen years I think. I never worried about getting it again, I didn't even know what it was back then really. My parents always provided for me, they never pressured me to get a job, they knew it would be hard for me if I tried because of my bad vision and horrible social skills. We have been having financial problems ever since I was about 12 years old, my dad has been through various jobs and my mom has been working at a health food store for the past 10 years or so.  We've had our share of ups and downs when it comes to money. I'm actually pretty grateful I didn't grow up with the ability to buy everything I wanted, it was very humbling.

  My parent's never really encouraged me to get a job, and I was just fine with that back a few years ago. They always talked about me just applying for SSI again. Around a few months after high school ended I got all the necessary doctors records and stuff needed to apply for it, I didn't really take it that seriously back then. I think when I applied back then I was a little too optimistic with what I said in the application. On top of this my eye doctor I was seeing at the time messed up somehow and said that my vision was better than it actually was. A few months later I was rejected for getting SSI.  I don't think I had that big of a reason to have it back then, not as much as I do now anyway.

  I was scared of going out into the world, my parents never really taught me how to be independent much. I know how to buy groceries, and get around to certain places, but there are a lot of other things I don't know how to do. I never really thought about this back then, I wasn't ready to face the world and become a part of it yet. I was still hiding in a lot of ways. I think back then I wanted to use SSI more for getting out of responsibility than anything else.  I didn't think about re-applying for almost 2 years after I was  rejected.

  In this period of time we found out about my mom and dad's heart problems and my mom was starting to have a lot of trouble with people at work, my dad had had some other things going on in his previous job that made it so he couldn't be payed. Some sort of lawsuit or something. After the recession a couple yeas back the place he was working started to have some major troubles. 

  It was around summer last year when I started to apply for SSI again. To be truthful I was more than apprehensive to go in that direction again but I still was not ready to go out into the world, I had just begun to take some other personal issues seriously and I was taking care of those, working stuff out, getting things resolved. I still wasn't very educated in being independent.  On top of this my parents were so stressed with their job troubles, and some other stuff was happening in my family. I couldn't even think about getting a job, or even think about asking my parents to drive me around to a job, they were just so busy.  The skills I would need to have in order to function out in the real world, and get a job would not be easy for me to get and I wasn't about to put more stress on my parents by making them worry about how I would function around people i don't know in a work environment. It would have caused them a lot of stress to have to help me adjust to that kind of situation. I just decided to just give in no matter how much I hated it and just go the SSI route.

  It was about 4 or 5 months after I applied I got accepted. We started spending the money right away. I got paid for the months I waited to be accepted, it was quite a bit of money. We got someone to build me an new closet and I got a new bed set as well. We bought some other things that I don't remember at the moment as well.  I was glad to have money, it made me a little more independent than before and this felt good. Plus, my parent's didn't have the burden of having to buy clothes and other stuff for me. I got a phone, and started helping my parent's pay the phone bill. 

  as much as it is nice to have money however there is still a strong sense of dependency that I hate so much. My parents are still having some pretty bad troubles with their work and their health though. I'm so afraid to just go out and try getting a job because I know they would worry about me. I am so afraid of causing them stress so I have been just idling my time away on the computer and in my room. I just want to stay out of their way, but at the same time I know I will eventually need their help with learning how to function in the real world. I really hope things get better so I won't have to worry about just building up their stress, I feel like f I were to try and be independent now it would just cause more trouble. As I was saying before it's nice to have money, but i'm not really doing anything to earn it. the only reason why I qualified s because of my really bad vision, slow writing skills, bad social skills, and my utter lack of being able to even do some really simple things I should know by now. I only did it to get out of my parent's way. I hate being on SSI, even though I am thankful for having the money.

  Truthfully I do feel really empty but I'm afraid of what will happen if I try and change things. I can't stay this way for long or I'll go crazy though. My world is missing so many puzzle pieces right now, there are so many holes I can't find the pieces to. I feel helpless and useless, and it's making me feel really depressed. I feel confined and controlled.  I'm so afraid of even telling people I have money because I know they will ask how I got it, where I work and I'm not going to tell them so willingly that I am on SSI. A lot of people will assume that I am disabled or stupid or something, i don't want that kind of false stereotype on my head because I am neither of those things.  I am just a little lost is all and I'm just trying to help my family get through these rough times we are going through. This was my way of pulling myself out of their way, I did it mostly for them. I'm not saying that I don't really have any good reasons of my own to be on SSI, I do, but it's nothing I can't overcome.  I wish I knew how to overcome all these problems, who to ask, where to go, what to do.When I was applying I had to quite literally pull out everything I could think of, I had to admit I had trouble with things I ignored before. This really bugs me a lot when I have to admit what is wrong with me.

  i wish my parent's had taught me how to be more independint, how to take care of myself more. I was so lazy back wen I was younger I made them do everything for me. I don't even know how to do my own laundry. What kind of pathetic existence am I living anyway? I have so many regrets, so many things to face. My life is like a maze, and I'm so confused. It's foggy and cold in my world right now, all I cling to is this artificial sun. I want to live a normal life and have a job, be able to take care of myself.  that is what I truly want more than almost anything right now.

  I started buying the groceries for my family lately, I like doing that, it feels nice to take off that extra burden. They arent able to d it right now and I don't spend that much so I just started doing it.

  I'm planning on going back to school after Christmas. i decided to wait until then just to make sure I am ready, to get prepaired. I am REALLY hoping this is a sign of a turning point. If I have to live my life like this any longer it's going to take away all my life force and I'm going to lose my will to live. It's really hard.

  I really hope my world clears up... I'm tired of artificial sunlight.

  • 5:40 PM
  • 8 Comments