So there is this old Tabernacle around where I live. Anyway, something went wrong yesterday morning and it caught on fire. This building is like 70 or more years old and it was quite treasured by the people around here. Even in my family it held a lot of memories. My parents have performed in various choirs in this tabernacle. The whole structure looked classic, it was pretty neat. The fire lasted pretty long and destroyed most of the tabernacle. It was burning all day yesterday and firemen were there all day trying to put it out. I went with my mom and dad yesterday and went to go see the fire. They had the area taped off on all sides, but you could still get close enough to really see what was happening.  The fire was still going by midnight, that is when we went to see it. I got a lot of pictures and stuff since this is actually a pretty historic event over here.  It was lightly snowing and my face was frozen it was so cold.  Over all it was a pretty interesting experience for me to see it burned down.  I even have a few memories in that tabernacle.

I spent a good part of the day at first just listening to music, watching movies, videos, reading blogs, and looking at various pictures. That seems to take up a lot of my time.  Yesterday was the 2nd Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert, the 2nd day. Tonight is the last official concert and then something is going to happen tomorrow but I don't know what. Probably some special broadcast or something.  My parents were gone most of the time the last 3 or so days. Well actually longer than that. They have been practicing with the choir for weeks.  I should see more of them next week with it being Christmas and all though. It's been a crazy week this week with the birth of my new niece and all.

Yesterday after my parents went to the 2nd concert I was alone for a while. My ward was having a christmas party that evening. I just hung around and did the usual, but almost forgot to charge my phone. it was at 28% by that time. I plugged it into the charger soon after that and got ready or the party.  I let myself be a little late because I didn't want to unplug my phone before it got to at LEAST 60% on the battery.

Anyway, I couldn't find a ride so I just walked over to the church. I won't lie it was a little creepy. The ground was lightly covered with frost and everything looked eerie. I almost turned back once or twice. I made it there though it wasn't to far away.  I was glad to get inside by then it was freezing outside.  I walked into the gym of the church and they had ights strung on the cealing and stuff it was pretty cool. I think there should have been more lights though because it was sort of dark a little. I could still see thankfully.

there were tables with white, table cloth, and some sort of red decoration on it, they also put greenery on the tables and scattered Hershey's kisses all over the tables. It was pretty cute.

For dinner we had enchelatas and this rice stuff I don't know what i was. There was also fruit punch, that was pretty good. I love fruit punch a lot. Anyway, after I ate I just sat there at one of the tables and just talked with people. After a while of talking and eating Erin ( the person that arranged and planned the party) told us about the various things near the back of the gym that people had gotten for this one family that is having a hard time. We decided to sub for santa or this family. All of us worked for a while wrapping the presents for the family. I actually left most of it to the others and just walked around helping with various random things.

After we finished that we did the white elephant game. Each of us had a cheap or used present that we bought or no longer wanted, Erin read a story that had a seried of "lefts and rights" in it. Whenever she said right or left we would pass the present each direction. At the end of the story we opened our random presents. I got something really crappy that made me want to throw up.  I got canned chillies which I think is just so gross really. I could hardly stand to look at the can. I am non fond of canned veggies, and stuff like that I prefer it to be fresh.  I thought it was funny though and none the less  got a good laugh out of it anyway.

After that we were told a few stories by some people in the ward they were pretty good.

One of my friends, amber kept on asking me if either Darik or Dylan texted me back the whole time I was there. I didn't mind but she makes me laugh sometimes.  I did text me but Darik didn't text me back until about an hour after the party ended.   I'm getting off subject here ha ha.

Anyway, the party was pretty much over after the stories. I hung around for a while and just helped with various things. I got a ride home with one of my neighbors after that. 

After I got home I just decided to kic back and relax and read various blogs, and fan fictions of a random sort until my parents came home.

Anyway, that was my day yesterday, it was pretty interesting. I wish i could have gone to the concert again though ha ha.

So pretty much yesterday was awesome. Yesterday was a dress rehearsal for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert. David Archuleta is the guest singer for the next 3 days, he sounds like an angel!

Anyway, so my day began pretty normal yesterday. I did the usual, updating twitter, checking facebook, looking at pictures, listening to music. Stuff like that takes up a lot of my day usually. Around 30 minutes to noon I started getting ready for the concert. I washed my hair and stuff, got dressed, then I decided since I was sort of still tired and only got about 6 hours of sleep I would take a nap before the concert.

I took the nap with my towel still on it was a little weird but I slept for about 45 minutes before I took it off and then went back to sleep for another 30 minutes. My hair was still wet when I woke up but it was really funny because it was all over the place. It has a tendency to do that when it's wet and not brushed.  It was about 3pm by this time. I blow dried my hair and did my bangs, and got my jewelry together. it was about 3:30pm by then. I just sort of hung out while I was waiting for my dad to get back and got some other stuff together like my glasses and my monocular.

We left at about 4pm and drove up to Salt Lake. We stopped at subway on the way there and ate dinner. All 7 of us were packed into our 6 passenger car it was pretty cramped. I was listening to pandora radio on my phone the whole entire time we were driving, and snacking on roasted almonds.  My brother brought a date, she was pretty nice. The car drive wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My nieces were pretty noisy though, but not to noisy.

There was a lot of traffic, we got there at about 5:15 or 5:30 I think. The city was pretty busy that day, it took us forever to park. Lucky for us both my parents are in the choir and they have a place to park just for choir members. Otherwise it would have been harder for us to find parking... a lot harder.

So after we parked, we just made sure everything was in order and then we went our seperate ways. My mom and dad went to go get dressed for the concert and we went to get in line.

We were in line for about 45 minutes, during that time my little niece had to go to the bathroom and it was funny because she tried to hold it but couldn't. we eventually got her in to the building somehow with the help of some guards and she got to go. We were standing in line for  45 minutes or so like I said before. It was pretty cold, but I had a good coat on. I showed my brother's girlfriend some pictures of the guy I like (Sam), and talked about some of my other friends.  I also texted Darik a few times while I was waiting. He texted me back which made me really quite happy.

They opened the doors to the conference center at about 6:30 or 6:35. We were all pretty excited to go inside. They checked our purses, and our tickets and we went through the metal detector. After that we went inside and found our seats. I sent a picture to Darik when I was in my seat, he thought it was pretty cool, and he wished he could go. I wanted to give him tickets, but we didn't have any extras to my memory, I did ask my mom later though just in case but she said she didn't have any more.

The concert started at about 8pm it was so nice. David Archuleta sent chills up my spine with his angelic singing, and the choir too! Everything about it was magical. There were dancers and the lighting and stuff was so pretty!  We had pretty great seats as well on top of that.

My niece Kayla was a little noisy at first and a person behind us actually scolded her once for bothering them. I made it a point for the whole rest of the concert to not let that happen again and made sure she payed attention to what she was supposed to be paying attention to.  She was pretty good after a while. She is only 7 so we were a bit worried how she would behave, she was pretty good though.

I brought my glasses and my monocular so I could see better and wouldn't miss anything.

The concert lasted about an hour and a half, after t was finished we just sat in our seats and waited for the choir members to leave, then we went to find the car.

We encountered a bit of trouble with that though and decided to just wait until my dad found us in the parking so he could help us find the car. My mom came too after a few minutes and we went to the car after that.

We weren't stuck in traffic as long as I thought we would be. We actually got out fairly quickly.

We just drove home and talked about family stuff, memories and some other things.  I was just listening to music the whole entire time again. I was really worn out by the time I got home. Crowds really tire me out sometimes.

I just go on the computer and watched anime for a while and then went to bed after that.

It was a pretty fun day yesterday!

So it's about time I update you guys on what has been happening. This isn't going to be as long as I intended. I don't really feel the need to make it long anymore.

Probably the biggest news is that my niece Andrea was born 2 days ago! She is so adorable.

My sister linda and Justin, and jax (the baby) is coming over for christmas! I am so psyched! This christmas is promising to be really eventful. I figured I better update now because it would be a pain to wait. 

I didn't really write anything all november, don't worry about that too much. Nothing much happened to the best of my memory except for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was pretty normal, we had dinner and board games and that was about it. 

Another thing that happened in November was the finishing of my new closet, as you all know.

My mom had to get another job, she is trying to get a position that gives her good insurance so she can quit her other job. They aren't treating her very well. If it werent for the fact that they give her insurance for medication, and the fact that my dad has no job.

I think thats all I need to say for this update. it probably would have been longer if I hadn't waited so long. I forget a lot of stuff if I make that mistake.  I said the important stuff though, that's what matters.

I'll make sure to keep you guys up to date on what is happening more. I know I've been slacking off lately. Also make sure to follow me on Twitter (starya), and check out my pandora page! http://www.pandora.com/people/manami_hikari

Sorry I've been gone again. My computer has been being stupid and its actually broken right now. I Am doing this on my phone right now. I wlll be back in a few says and will post a big update. I know I am pretty overdue on that on both of my blogs

So sorry I've been away for 10 days from Xanga. I have been taking care of a lot of stuff.

Anyway, here is what has been happening.

This week they finished up my closet, we are still painting it though right now so I'm not putting pictures up yet. I will do that soon. I am going to paint my walls next. After I paint my walls i am most likely going to get new carpet, and then I will see after that.

Last week we had our quarterly ward potluck at my church after church. Darik and Dylan have been going to my ward for almost a month now. It has been awesome.  They were there, and I sat at a table directly behind Dylan. I was going to sit at the same table, or next to him but some other people beat me to it. I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed, I really was.  The food was great, I don't really remember what I ate though. I remember I ate a roll, and a cookie from the cookies I bought. I had a little bit of everything pretty much. 

I just hung around the table Dylan was sitting at for a while, and listened to the people talk for a while.  I hung around after the dinner was done for a while. I was not sure if I was going to walk home or get a ride.  I thought that Darik and Dylan had left already by the time I was leaving, but then Dylan caught up to me right when I was about to go out the door and asked me if I needed a ride. I can't even tell you how happy that made me. To me any time I can spend with him or Darik is worth it. They are pretty awesome guys.  I was in a great mood the whole rest of the day after that.

Anyway, this week nothing much happened besides my closet being remodeled. I spent most of the week listening to music and finding new artists, doing stuff on facebook, and trying to finish some things I've been writing. 

I did go shopping on Friday. We went to target and I got my new boots, and a new coat. I also got this really pretty snow globe with an angel in it.  We went to the mall as well that day, my mom is searching for new jobs, so she went looking there.  We went to R.C Willey to look at furnature, and a new washing machine, we ended up not buying one though because the guy that worked there honestly told us what was wrong when we explained what was going on. It turned out it was our soap that was the problem. We are going to buy a new fridge though soon, so we'll be back there.

Anyway, other than that I can't remember anything else. I did buy some pretty cool iphone apps though. I will do a seperate post about that some other time though.

So yesterday I spent most of the day just cleaning and packing up my stuff just like the day before. I did a lot of dusting, and moving stuff yesterday. I had to move some of my furnature in odd places, like the dresser that was in the spot where my closet is now, we had to park it up right against my bed, it's weird. I'm going to re-arrange my bedroom so I can fit everything after they are done building the closet completely.

Today They started building my closet. It took about 3 hours for them to build it, and wall up some areas.  I will post pictures soon of the process. It was pretty interesting.

They have to mud up some parts of the wall, so we can paint it and stuff. I'm excited for that a lot.

Other than that I've just been doing the usual today, listening to music, thinking up new stuff to write, watching movies, and doing research on random stuff.

Here are the pictures, the progress of the closet so far.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=84487&id=1017331422&l=5ee2cf755b

So today I primarily cleaned out my sisters stuff from my room. it has been there for ages. I also cleaned up my floor, it was cluttered with clothes and other stuff. I'm really crazy when it comes to leaving clothes around everywhere. I don't have my closet built yet, and it's a real pain in the butt hanging stuff up in my fake cardboard closet. It doesn't really make that great of a fake closet.

I also got Pandora One today. I use Pandora Radio a lot.  I'm really quite happy that I wont have to keep an eye on how many hours I listen anymore. It feels great to be able to just listen and not think about that kind of thing.

I'm thinking of buying a squishable. They are like big, round, fat stuffed animals. You should look them up. I have full intention of collecting them all someday.

I'm having some herbal mint tea right now. It's a nice thing to have before bed. It's okay for LDS people to have herbal tea by the way, it has nothing bad in it. My mom has a lot of different teas, I intend to try them all eventually.

It is officaly cold weather season. I didn't mention it but last week, or early this week it snowed. I can't remember which.  It was really strange to see snow after so long. It's always weird.

I have been packing stuff away in preparation for building my new closet, getting my carpet, and painting. I still have quite a few things to pack though. I'm excited I'm finally getting the look for my room i have always wanted.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't been writing. I've been planning my room remodeling, re-design, painting, etc. It's been a busy time for me lately.

Anyway, so today was pretty fun. I sort of slept in a little though, noon to be exact. I get lazy sometimes and ignore my alarm... hehe.  I mostly just surfed facebook for a while, and listened to music and though up what i was going to write later.  I had milk for breakfast... yes I know that isn't healthy to just have milk but I couldn't think of anything at that time. I wasn't that hungry anyway for some reason...

Anyway after an hour or so of doing nothing me, my mom and dad decided to go to the bank to deposit some of my momey, and to get my mom on my account as well. We went to one of the bank branches nearer to our house, and deposited the check, we were going to add my mom to my account there but they had us waiting too long, we had some bad customer service so we just went to the other branch. They had us going almost  immediately. We did our business there and then took  my sick dad home, he had the flu.

Me and my mom went to wallmart, I needed some new bra's and stuff, we went there and did that, I even got a king sized pillow while i was at it. 

After this we went to joanne's it's a fabric store, we looked through the fabric looking for a possible pattern for my bed set. I didn't really find anything I was really interesting.  I did see some really cut fabric though, nothing I would like to use for my bed set though.

We went to bed bath and beyond after this and looked at dishes and stuff. I was hoping I would find a blue and yellow and white one, or a pink, and green set. We didn't find a blue and yellow one but we found a pink , green and white one though. I'll take pictures later. I got some other pillows there too to go with the cases in the set. It was a fun experience. I also decided that since I couldn't find the blue and yellow one I wanted possibly I would just do my bathroom those colors when I re-model my bathroom.

Anyway, I went home after this, put all the stuff in the washer (well my mom did), then I had tomato soup for dinner. 

that is what I did today. 

As for the past couple of days. Don't worry about it to much. I did get Darik's number finally though. Things are feeling better between us already from my point of view.  Besides that I've just been doing halloween stuff, watching movies, and listening to music.

My ward had a party last friday at our church. We had donuts, cookie decorating, candy, music, dancing, punpkin carving, bingo, etc. it was pretty fun in all. I went as a blind person (I will post that picture later.)  We also had pizza, root beer and this white chocolate popcorn stuff it was fantastic. 

So here we are to the important part. I really had nothing against him for pretty much almost never replying to anything I posted on his facebook. You can't really blame me for wanting to try and bring our friendship up to the level that mine and Dylan's friendship is though. It's still not really that close yet honestly. That's how I see it anyway. I will shine more light on this subject when I do a post about Dylan sometime...

Having them on facebook really make me feel like I'm actually more of a friend than I previously felt before. Somehow seeing all those pictures and stuff and knowing what they are up to has really helped a lot...

But like I said before, sometimes I feel ignored.

And how I will just get to the point before I drive you nuts.

Catching up where I left off in the post before part 1. So I got a phone, and was and am still really enjoying it. So I started to add my friends to my address book and stuff. I got most of them within 2 or 3 days. I asked Dylan for his number first, I was pretty sure he would give it to me. I was right to assume that as it turns out. I was a little skeptical as to weather or not Darik would though. I'm even more doubtful now than I was before.

The point is that I tried, I sent him a message asking if he had a phone (before I knew he had one). I thought I made it clear enough that I wanted his number. Well, he did answer the question but didn't give me his number. I asked him again through another message, and even posted on his facebook wall to make sure he saw it. I'm usually really thorough like that.

I didn't expect a reply the first day, let alone the second day. I'm glad I braced myself for disappointment, because I got it. I actually woke up on the day after Dylan gave me his number, and I was going to send a text to both of them right after I woke up, so they could add me. But then I remembered I only had Dylan's number. I sent one to him anyway. I have to admit I was pretty irritated though at that point in time.

There is no way he could have missed my efforts to get his number. I kept my eye out for his reply. I have to admit I felt a little stab of disappointment every time I checked my mail for is reply. The reply that never came.

I mean honestly if you don't want to give me your number just tell me. I'm not going to freak out or anything. I was really ticked off by Thursday, having been subjected to multiple disappointing moments by that time. There aren't very many things that get on my nerves like not having a question answered does. I hate having to be kept hanging in the air. I was just trying really hard to get along with him.

I actually came to believe that our friendship was making a little progress, now I'm not so sure it's really going anywhere. I have even been paying more attention to him that I have to Dylan. I am not really worried about the strength of my friendship wit Dylan, so far as I know it's pretty iron clad and won't shake any time soon. So I was willing to sacrifice a bit of my attention for this matter.

You have to give me an A for effort that's for sure. I am trying pretty hard still... Maybe I'm an idiot. I still think it's worth it though.

Feeling ignored by Darik is second nature to me now. It's basically something I expect by default now. I don't think he is all that interested in talking to me. I think I've said that before. I am a stubborn person though, and even if it's against my better judgment sometimes I still make an effort to do certain things. Even if it probably is futile..

I actually believe this is Karma in a way. I wasn't exactly fair to him for many years, or that nice that that matter. I'm not surprised it's come back to haunt me.

It came back to haunt me in a big way. I had never really thought about how guilty I felt all those years I was to stubborn to admit I liked him even as a friend. It all flew back in my face by Friday night. That and the mixture of being sort of really ticked at him for not even answering, and the frustration of feeling all my efforts going nowhere, it was like hell on top of other things I was dealing with.

My feelings are stronger than people realize. Often to the point where I get really confused.

By Saturday I can't really say that it was much better. I just sort of let it run it's course though. I knew I had pretty much opened Pandora's box by even letting myself pursue this. I knew I would end up getting hurt at some point.

I'm such a dramatic person... well, maybe not as much as I used to be...

I had mixed feelings on Sunday. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to see him or not. Darik and Dylan started going to my ward in church a week ago, it was quite weird timing really.

I made up my mind that I would talk to him it it came to that. I'm glad I did too. I no longer felt like denying that I wanted to talk to him. I knew I would be lying through my teeth if I didn't admit I really like him and want to talk to him a lot. They are both really interesting people, him and Dylan.

I felt a little weird by Sacrament meeting in church, but he was there and I wasn't going to miss out the opportunity to just go for it. It felt really great talking to him, I won't lie. I was actually pretty relaxed at that point in time and I wasn't nervous at all. I'm usually nervous, if even just a little when I talk to either of them. It's natural defense mechanism I have with everyone. At this time though for some reason I didn't really feel like I needed to be nervous at all, and I wasn’t. We talked about what was going on in our lives and stuff, and I just sort of let loose and just talked about anything that came to mind, like that I'm an introvert and I don't express my feelings very easy, and how I've been going through a lot of stuff lately and it's been crazy. He asked what kind of stuff but honestly I was a little blank to anything but what was happening then, which is really rare for me. Plus I wasn't about to blurt out everything I had been feeling last week, that would have been weird. I talked about Same a little and how I missed him and stuff. I think that was sort of dumb though. My mind was going a million miles per hour though, I wasn't thinking very clear at this point in our conversation.

I was caught off guard by the fact that he asked me what was on my mind. I was happy he asked me that, no one really does and I wish they would. I'm not going to tell people whats on my mind unless if they ask.

I proceeded to sacrament meeting not to long after this. I knew without a doubt at this point it was time for me to just write everything I was feeling down on paper or my blog or whatever. I want him to know how I feel about everything.

I was actually going to talk to him in person, well that was my plan anyway at first. Then I thought about it and realized how hard it would be. I hated admitting this, but I decided to just write everything down in my blog. I could take my time if I did it this way anyway, so it would be better.

I made up my mind about this after I talked to him after sacrament meeting a little. I just sort of hovered around for 10 or so minutes, working it out in my head.

Then this little conversation took place where Dylan (I'm pretty sure), asked me why I was still there and if I was going to go home and eat. I sort of laughed a little inside at this, because I had not even been thinking of anything close to food. I just simply said that I had other things on my mind and that I wasn't even thinking of food at all. Then Darik asked me what was on my mind again.

I won't lie, I felt really triumphant at that point. I told him it had something to do with him sort of. And that I was going to talk to him in person about it but after thinking about it for a while I decided it would be to hard. He then told me that I could message him n facebook. I went home after that.

Oh yeah, and “sort of” didn't even come close. There was no “sort of”, about it.

I made a little mental note in my mind that if I was going to message him on facebook I wouldn't expect him to reply back. In fact I am still pretty confident that he will not reply back. Even though I really want him to. I will spare myself that kind of disappointment again thanks...

I tried typing it all down in a message on facebook but I realized that it just wasn't as simple as just telling him how I felt. I had to start from the beginning and explain everything, at least that’s now I saw it.

So, I started to gather up my thoughts and feelings and prepared to write down everything. It took me until yesterday night to be fully ready to spill everything out. I had a pretty hard night sunday night.  I just let all the thoughts lose inside my head, I was so felt so sick to my stomach, and I couldn't sleep until 5am.  On top of that I was getting a cold.  With everything, going on inside my head and stuff it took a good amount of control not to totally vomit (sorry too much information I know).  ha ha.

I just went for it the following afternoon, and started working on what I was going to say.

I had a hard time organizing everything in my head at first, but when I got to typing it all down the words just flowed out of my fingers onto the screen like water.

Here I am now, on my second day of typing. I feel a lot better. There is still something I have to tell though.

I know you are probably going to end up reading this Darik. I hope you can take everything I said seriously. It's really hard for me to express my feelings like this. Even though I have wanted to tell you all this stuff for what seems like eons I didn't know how, plus I wasn't really all that sure if it was the right time. I know I haven't been the best friend to you, and I know we hardly talk and stuff, but I really like talking to you. I've never told anyone this but when it comes down to it you have an advantage over Dylan so far as friendship goes. I've always felt like I could talk to you about stuff that was bothering me, like I could open up, even though I was really stubborn most of the time. I still have to work on that kind of thing as far as Dylan goes. Feeling as close to him as I do it has sort of had a negative effect somewhat, there are some things I am afraid to talk about with him, because, he hasn't seen my bad side like you have. You've seen me, get angry, and frustrated, and really confused and stuff like that. And I've told you stuff about me that I usually never share with anyone. When it comes down to it because I have shown you more of my personality than I have shown Dylan, I feel a lot more intense feelings for you in a way, I feel like I can be myself a lot easier.. It's sort of hard to explain. I've always cared about you a lot, we have never really talked to each other very much, but despite that it has turned out this way.

Even though I don't really feel like our friendship is quite as strong as mine with Dylan, considering the advantages you have I should be able to fix that. If you want to that is. I don't want to become a bother or anything like that. I'm only following my heart and my intuition on this matter. I don't like to regret anything.

It's true that sometimes I feel ignored by you, I understand your busy and stuff, I still have a hard time understanding why you won't talk to me sometimes. Sometimes I feel like you don't even want to talk to me, and that you don't even think of me as a friend. Either way, from my point of view even if you didn't think of me as a friend nothing would really change so far as my feelings for you go. I don't know as much about you as I'd like to know, and seeing that I have known you for a whole decade I think that's insane.

I'm only being honest with myself when I say this stuff. I'm pretty sure you don't really know, or understand how my mind and heart works yet, but when I keep this kind of thing inside it really causes me a lot of pain. It's not something I expect anyone to comprehend...

At least now if nothing changes I can have the satisfaction of knowing I've done everything I can, so far as I know.

Creating strong friendships is something I have always struggled with due to the nature of my personality. I am always reluctant to let anyone in, I'm guarded, and introverted, secretive, and I get confused a lot and have some trust issues with a lot of people. I always try my best though...  I'm still a little worried that i haven't explained this well enough to be honest. I've never done this for anyone...

If you have any questions you can always ask...

I really hope I haven't left anything out...

EDIT: FOLLOW UP! Click here to find out what happened next.

So this is turning out to be longer than I thought so I will make this into 2 parts. Here is the first one...

First I have to write about something that is totally getting on my nerves and has for the last 7 years or so.  I admitted defeat for the longest time but I refuse to back down anymore.

So there is this guy named Darik. Darik and I have known each other for 10 years. I still remember the very first time I met him. It was on my first day of 6th grade.  I was late that day, and the only seat left was one next to him. I remember this so well because it was the only day in the whole school year I ever sat by him.

Anyway, I thought I would just add that for fun as a first thought.

Darik and I never had any classes at all in any school year after that. We hardly ever saw each other at all for that matter. I was cool with this for the most part and it didn't really stop me from wanting to be his friend.

I had a really bad habit of switching from his twin brother Dylan, to him so far as who I liked the most. Dylan is a different story entirely so I won't talk about him much in this post.

I stopped doing that in the 8^th grade due to a couple of things. First was that I really started to realize how annoying I was getting and I should decide on just one of them If I was going to like someone. The second thing was a dream I had that basically showed what would happen if I didn't stop what I was doing. I won't even get into the deal with my dreams it's complicated. Anyway, so the third factor in this was that I was starting to like other people besides Darik and Dylan. In fact Darik actually caught me confessing to my friend Cade, safe to say that pretty much shot the whole thing down at that point. I decided not to even go there anymore and just keep my feelings to myself at that point. That was the day I decided I would never let myself have any feelings for Darik beyond friendship and the whole thing just fell into place on it's own at that point.

I promise I'm getting somewhere with all these sideline stories.

I wasn't very great at controlling my feelings for people. I did something stupid and for some reason I can not even remember I decided to just shut Darik out entirely. I just decided to focus mainly on Dylan. I've always felt somewhat ignored by Darik, and for some reason he never seemed that interested in being friends with me from my point of view. I started to realize little things like this after I swore to myself I would never let him get close to me again.

I was a very dramatic person back then.

It was like this until the 10^th grade when I felt like I had much more control over myself. I did cut him some slack at that point. I was still careful though to control my feelings carefully and not to slip. I don't really think anyone could ever understand why I like Darik and Dylan so much, even I don't get it sometimes.

By this time I had pretty much realized that they were not as perfect as I thought they were at first. I took this harder than I anticipated, it was really very strange. We all have a hard time grasping reality sometimes.

I got over it eventually though, it didn't take me long.

It took me a few months of wrestling with my conscious to realize that I really did care about Darik somewhat, I was really quite stubborn though and didn't give it much slack.

I don't know why but he totally got on my nerves a lot that year, and the year before for some reason. Either because of my utter defiance to admit I even liked him the slightest bit made me sort of edgy, or because of my friends very boldly egging me on so far as wanting nothing to do with him goes. I can tell you they definitely added more gasoline to the fire. I think I’m more guilty of talking trash about him than I am about anyone else in my whole existence. It was sort of a “I like you but I refuse to admit it.” kind of situation. When I get like that I sometimes have major swings in mood so far as the person goes. Especially when those times came around, the ones where I slipped and admitted to myself that I really did really care about him a lot. I turned around and as the saying goes “dug my heels into the ground”, and refused to move at all. Yes I was a very confused person when it came to this matter at that point in time. I used to get mad at him for the most random things, it was crazy.

I was always nice to him in person to the best of my memory.

I started to loosen up a little more over the passing months, not a lot though.

And then one day my ex- best friend's boyfriend told me all this stuff they were saying about me. I took it hard back then. I confronted Darik about it, but he denied it. I just dropped it at this point, well, after a few days of pondering over a bunch of stuff. I decided that even if it was true I didn't really care. For some reason I decided to give Dylan the silent treatment for the rest of the school year and beyond. I believe that lasted until just before they left the school. I didn't even bother doing the same to Darik since I was pretty convinced at the time that I didn't like him anyway, so it made no difference weather or not he liked me for real or not., and I hardly talked to him already.

It was like this clear until the 11^th grade. Actually nothing much changed even after they left the school. I was still as stubborn as ever. I have to admit though, I did sort of let go a few times when I emailed him. I don't even remember what I talked about. I actually still have one he sent me. I had completely forgotten about it and I found it while I was looking through my things just 2 days ago. I had printed it out... Still glad I did that.

I'm almost done with the long explanation... I'll get to the important part in a bit.

This brings me to one of the stupidest things I ever did. It was on the valentine's day after they left the school. I made this poster for Dylan, attached a letter, a bunch of candy bars, wrote it was for the both of them, when it was pretty obvious that it wasn't. I got scolded by Dylan not to long after that for addressing it to Darik as well when it really had nothing to do with him in all honesty. It was a scolding by my definition anyway. I totally deserved that. Dylan liked it though to the best of my knowledge.

Yeah... sorry getting off track here.

Things were pretty much the same, not much changed until they went on their missions. Except those few times I caught darik online from my senior year of high school until college. I wasn't very nice to him on occasion on myspace. Something I almost forgot to mention... Then I began to read their blog posts as they went throughout their mission. I came to see both of them in a new light. It took me about a year to completely admit that I could let Darik in even then though... for the most part anyway.  I am a stubborn person as I have said before... I think.

I never wrote either or them even once those whole 2 years. I had a lot of other stuff to worry about.

It was a little weird for me when they came home. I had hardly talked to either or them for almost 3 years. I was still happy to see them though.

I finally acknowledged that I liked both of them equally for the first time that day they had the homecoming.

Things were pretty silent after that. I mean, I learned that they both joined facebook not to long after that. I never really said to much to them. I really had nothing to say. I commented on a few things here and there but never actually talked to them about anything in particular. Oh wait, well now that I think about it I did talk to them about what I wanted to do when I went to college, and stuff like that. And this one time in the middle of he night me and Darik talked on facebook for a few minutes. I'm actually still really shocked he even said anything to me. He was even the one that asked me first why I was still awake at 4am in the morning... That really caught me off guard. That was a while ago.

I have been really quite careful not to expect anything from either of them ever since they came home so far as talking to me goes, or ever replying to me on facebook. I mostly just comment on stuff for fun, or simply because I can. I know how busy they are so I'm not stupid enough to expect any replies from either of them at all... most of the time that is. Sometimes I get way ahead of myself and start expecting stuff... which isn't likely.  Sometimes my optomism really has a down side, I let myself get to hopeful or excited and I end up getting dropped off a cliff...

But you know, there is a fine line between flat out ignoring me, and just being busy. I guess I'm not really getting ahead of myself too much here.

And here we are now finally, to the part I have been trying to get to...

This is already pretty long so I will cut off here. I will post the other part soon...

EDIT:   here is the link to the other part

http://empathic-heart.xanga.com/734617169/the-truth-part-2/

Wow I have a lot to tell!

So I'll start with last Saturday. I woke up in the morning, my check had been cleared. That meant that I could get my iPhone. I was SO happy, it felt so nice to be getting a phone again after 2 years of being phoneless.

We went to Best Buy first though (me and my dad), and I picked up my new headset for talking to people on skype and stuff, i like the sound from headphones anyway, they sound nice and my speakers are old.  I got another regular pair of headphones, they had noise cancellation though, we thought that would work out, i'll get to that story later though. My haedset, the one with the mic and stuff, those weren't noise cancellation ones, i didn't need anything like that for those.  It's a Logitech headset and it cost me about $45 dollars, probably a little more, I can't remember.

Anyway, after we were done there we went to the AT&T store to get my phone. I was so psyched to get there. It didn't take long from Best Buy to get there, just a few minutes. Nate (the guy that helped us in the AT&T store the evening before, was there. He had set everything aside for me for when I came back to get my phone. All i had to do is buy it, and I was set! He tought me how to use some of the basic functions such as the camera, and the app store, and some other things.

Me and my dad went back home to the best of my memory.

I was going to make this longer, but I have decided to add everything else in my next entry. I need to blog about this next subject so bad it's making me have a stomach ache.

I don't think I will make the mistake of waiting a whole week to blog. My memory get's a little fuzzy when I have a lot of stuff to think about. Oh, by the way sorry I am a day late on coming back.

So your probably wondering where I went again. Don't worry, after all that work I did to set up my xanga a week ago really wore me out. I needed a break. I'm coming back officaly tomorrow though. I'll update you on everything that has been happening since my last entry.

I've already begun writing it. I'm typing it in Open Office a little bit at a time. it's sort of a long entry  so I didn't want to type it all at once. I should have it up tomorrow sometime!

So today was fun, in more ways than one.

Around 2pm me and my dad went and dropped my mom off at work. I got my SSI check today. We went to go deposit the check in the bank. I'm not going to tell you how much it was by the way.  ha ha.

We went to another bank and payed our car payment first. On our way out my dad accidentally took the tube thing they put the receipts in, with the pen and stuff. We forgot to send it back into the bank, it was funny so we had to drive through the bank drive through again and put it back in the tube thing or whatever they use to transfer it outside.

After we did that we went to the post office which wasn't far ahead. My dad just had to send in his passport application or whatever. We were in line for a while. I looked at some greeting cards and post cards and stuff while we were waiting.  There was this Japanese family that was walking through the line right behind us. They were so cute, I think japanese people are so cute. I could understand bits and pieces of things that they were saying but tried not to evesdrop on their conversation to much. I've watched a lot of anime so I have picked up some things.

Anyway, after that we went to the bank to make my checking account. While I was waiting for Ayeisha (the lady that helped me make it), to be done with another person I was just reading TIME magazine. I read some pretty interesting stuff. After she was done with the other person I was called forward. My dad was on the phone so I had to wait for him to be done because I had no clue how to do it on my own.

I had forgotten to being my ID so we had to call my sister and she had to read off the various numbers that Ayeisha needed. It was quite funny actually. We joked about some stuff, it was pretty enjoyable for what we were doing. I just signed some stuff after that and the usual. She gave me some dumdum suckers when we were done. I got a few checks and got my account set up and stuff.

When we were done with that we headed off to the AT&T store in the mall to look at some phones.  I tried out a couple with buttons for texting. It was a lot of fun to play with the phones. I had a lot of trouble texting though because my nails were to long. This complicated things a lot when I was picking a phone.  We decided to go look for nail clippers in the mall. we tried various stores like the nail shop, Express, and some others, but for some reason we couldn't find them so we decided to just go to Wallmart. I'm actually glad we went there because they probably would have been overpriced.

Funny little story, while we were walking through this store we got ambushed by this girl that was selling nail products, we insisted she do a demonstration of this 4 sided nail buffer that smoothed the nail and polished it and stuff. It was really funny, she made a good saleswoman.  She was very nice, and pretty. I would have bought one if I had had extra money on me. Unfortunately I did not, because i have a lot of other important things i need to spend my money on first.  I told her I would think of it sometime later though.

Anyway, so we went to wallmart, and I remembered I had to get another watch so we got another watch. I got this white and silver Timex digital sports watch. It's pretty nice. Than we got the nail clippers, and went to buy the stuff. It was funny watching my ad and the cashier trying to figure out how to work my watch.

So I got back in the car and we went to go visit my mom at work, and to buy some pumpkin seeds there.  I clipped my nails on the way to the AT&T store. We went again now that I had my nails clipped. I tried the same phones again, the ones wit the little keypads, and then I tried the normal iPhone that didn't have the actual keypad but had one on the screen. I found it to be a ot easier with the nails clipped to navigate and to text on the phone.

We were going to buy the phone but my check probably won't clear until tomorrow or monday so we decided to wait to get all the stuff like the phone and the case, and the charger. I'm excited to get it though! I had a lot of fun at the AT&T store. the guy that was helping us was very friendly, and explained things well. We are hoping to see him again when we go again and buy it next time.

After we were done there, we went to the post office again. The sun had set by this time and it was getting dark. My had forgotten to mail a letter so he just had to drop it off real quick.

We went to subway for dinner. I got a sandwitch with chicken and cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, ranch, mustard, and onions on it. It was very good. I also got a chocolate chip cookie.

Anyway, so after that we went home. and how here I am!

this freezing wind
the burning sun
his last prayer
her final wish
what is this fate
this hidden power
her desire, his broken heart
she reaches out to him
but he does not notice
he is her wings
she watches him fly
across the moonlit sky
her hidden strength
she loves him so
but words are bound
no light no sound
this thrashing wind
the aging earth
a thousand years past
how long does love last
even stars are not forever
aging time, changing weather.
the only eternity is love
the greatest power is light
her love so bound
even after they are gone
holding hands
they cross the starry sky
for true love makes us fly
this is eternity

Not really. We never really had cliques in my high school as far as I know. Everyone seemed to mingle with each other. I didn't hang out with that many people honestly. Just a few close friends that I was friends with since elementary school.  Around 12th grade though we drifted apart and I started just doing stuff on my own.  I'm used to being alone most of the time so this didn't really bother me at all.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

So we grow a ton of grapes in my back yard, I just though I would get some pictures before they are all gone soon.

the birds love the grapes in my backyard. We just let them eat them because we really usually have to many of them. 

Sometimes it gets a little tricky to find the grapes because they are buried beneath the leaves and vines. I had to do quite a bit of searching to get good pictures.

Anyway, so we have green grapes as well but they grow in the summer and I forgot to get pictures. They are gone now sadly, but I got the others.

Before I change my name (witch will be sometime soon) I thought I would tell you the origins of my name.  Of course I'll tell you about the number first.

So 7 and 9 are my favorite numbers.

(it does not have anything to do with the fact that 7 of 9 is my favorite Star Trek character no).

Anyway, I've always had this thing for the number 7, you can find a lot of references, myths and stories about the number 7. Plus, 7 is supposed to be lucky, and it's considered to be the most magical number by some. 

Anyway, the 9, why I like 9 is a bit of a mystery to me. It probably has something to do with the fact that i HATE the number 6. When you turn 6 upside down it makes a 9 (sometimes considering how you draw your nines).  666 is considered to be an evil number, so my logic was that since when you turn 6 upside down it makes a nine, nine must be a good number because it's the exact opposite of 6.  Weird reasoning I know.  I just plain like the number 9 besides that reason. 

Anyway, about the name. It started out on an internet message board (that no longer exists). I was known as SailorSunstar (it was a Sailor Moon board). One day I decided to change my name. I was thinking of star names because I love stars. I also love things that have t do with angels. Somehow I put the two together and thought up starlight_angel as my username. That was my username for almost a year.

When I made this Xanga account 3 years ago it was still my name on those boards so i used to to sign up on Xanga. As you see I have not changed it yet seeing as I have not used this account until 3 days ago ever since the first day I signed up.  I didn't really like Xanga back then and I never used it and eventually forgot about it until 3 days ago.

My username evolved in a lot of ways. After I stopped using it I was just known as Starlight, then I was known as just Star, or Star-chan for a while.  Then I went through a whole bunch of other unrelated usernames. Eventually after a long period of changing names all the time on those boards I started to think up another name that would stick. I was thinking of the name Stary, that seemed to common to me, then somehow I thought up putting a y after it and it became Starya. I have been using that name for various games and boards ever since I thought it up. I believe it has been almost 2 years since then.

I don't plan on using Starya for my Xanga account seeing as I use it for everything else. I want to be a bit more creative than that when I think up a new username for this account. I already have a list of possibilities.

Anyway, I guess that's all I have to say about that.

I've never put so much work in my xanga before.  It was 2 nights ago when I decided to move back to this xanga (my first one) when I found it. I had been pondering weather or not I would come back to Xanga at all. As some of you know I have been posting on Tumblr for the past few months and haven't been on here at all.

When I found this page again I felt immediately good about it. I got my answer right then weather or not I should come back to Xanga. I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me so I sent a message to my friends on my hotpinkstarberry account and then the morning after I started the very LONG process of moving every post from my other Xanga and my Tumblr to this Xanga. It took me 9 long hours to finish that phase of the transition. Lucky for me I was so into it it went by fast. I was determined to get it done so I could come back to Xanga again. I took a break the rest of the night, did some stuff with family and on youtube, facebook, and tumblr, got some sleep.

Today was just another long day for me just like yesterday. I had to go through all my posts and correct the spelling and give them tags. I didn't want to do it while i was bringing the posts over. I ate a burrito for lunch (I slept late), got on my computer and immediately went to work doing this. I was listening to AOL radio and doing stuff on yahoo as well. In the end it took me 6 hours to finish. I have patience to say the least.

After that I subscribed to every person i was subscribed to before on my other account that was still active.  I have been feeling like writing something all day, but didn't want to interrupt what I was doing. I have been waiting all day to post this entry. I can safely say I am back on Xanga again. I will be posting on Xanga and Tumblr as well. I hope you guys enjoy my blog.

HEY GUYS!!!   :p

Hey, so this site is still being worked on. (edit: I said i was going to delete this post once i was done, i'm just going to keep it here)

STATUS:

-----

• Phase 1: (DONE) Moving all my old posts on my hotpinkstarberry xanga to this one (my very first xanga). 
• Phase 2: (DONE) Moving all my posts from Tumblr to Xanga. (this took me 9 hours by the way for both) 

I have been working ALL day moving my posts from my other xanga, and my tumblr to this blog which was the first Xanga I created. It took 9 LONG hours and a lot of concentration. Lucky for me I was so concentrated on it the time just flew by.  That is right I typed that correct. I have been moving blog posts from both my blogs to this one for the last 9 hours. 

Anyway, nothing besides that has been happening today. 

By the way I'm not done... I still have t spell check every post, and tag every post and a bunch of other things. 

Next on my list...

• Phase 3:(DONE)  TAG and spell check every post. (This took me 6 hours by the way.)

• Phase 4:(DONE) Subscribe to everyone I was subscribed to before on my other account.

• Phase 5:(DONE) Change theme (might change it again later though)
  

I'm done for the most part. I think I'm going to keep this post though.

Their personality, if they have a kind heart and a strong mind, and are honest and creative. Those qualities are what I value most, and I find them attractive. Also if they are spiritual and follow their faith pretty well. Also musical qualities are very attractive to me as well. 

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!