December 13, 2012

• Lost in the Words

        

  I always kept my heart locked away where no one could hurt it. Growing up I was always treated differently and grew up with the notion that no one would ever be able to love me the way I am. I never let myself hope that I would find someone that would love me the way I am. I think this is the sole thing that has always kept me from getting a boyfriend or getting close to anyone. The first few days that I started talking to Ronnie a lot brought me a lot of anxiety. Back then, before I revealed my flaws to him I felt very nervous because I was afraid he would be like a lot of other people and retract from me. For the longest time I have felt like some kind of alien and a misfit that didn’t belong anywhere. I somehow managed to gain enough confidence in him to reveal all the things I am self-conscious about. I knew from the second day we started talking to each other a lot more that he was amazing and that I wanted to hold onto him, so it was extremely hard to put myself out in the open like that. I didn’t want to lose this amazing person that I just found, this person that I talked to so effortlessly and that brought me hours of happiness.

  I can’t even describe the amount of happiness he gave to me when he accepted me the way I am. Suddenly I didn’t feel alone anymore and I had someone I could poor my heart into. I wish I had been able to open up to him a lot sooner. We have known each other for a few years, but we hardly got to talk. He had a girlfriend that wasn’t too fond of people flirting with him. Now my life feels so much more complete. I was missing something big that I have now. I have hope that there are people out there that can love me the way I am. I will probably never completely get rid of my hesitation when it comes to getting close to people, but I won’t be quite as closed as I used to be before I met Ronnie.

  I have been careful not to make his existence known to my family, they are very picky. I don’t intend on ever letting them know about him unless if it can be in person. My family is very protective and picky and I know they wouldn’t approve of him because he isn’t LDS (Mormon). I’m not so worried about it as they probably would be. I believe in the power of fate and I believe that whatever is meant to be will happen. I really have nothing to worry about by loving him. We both have our flaws and we both have stuff to work out in our lives, but I am more than confident that we can make it. Either our lines of fate will cross, or they won’t. Either way I know I will at LEAST be his friend for the rest of my life. I won’t let him fall of my radar so easy. I won’t let something this precious slip out of my fingers. There is no way I will ever let that happen. The only way that would ever happen is if he wanted it. I really hope that will never happen though.

  School finally ended today, I only had two classes left. I was so lazy getting up today, I just lied there in my bed for a half an hour after my alarm went off. I spent my time before school reading some of my new book “The Hourglass Door”, and reading blogs on Xanga. I left for school around noon because my Astronomy class didn’t start until 1pm. I walked around campus for a while and picked up a strawberry shake for the heck of it while I was waiting for class to start. All we had to do was turn in our reflection essays and then we could leave. I quickly turned mine in and then just hung around campus for the next two hours. I explored the school bookstore and got some free popcorn that the ice cream store makes every Wednesday. I sat outside of the classroom I had yoga and Pilates in this semester and just listened to music and played games on my phone while I waited for class to start.

  We had a test in Pilates today, we studied a little, reviewed and then took the test. I got an 88% the test and ended up with an overall 98% (that’s an A) in the class. We ate the teachers home-made chili and ate dessert after we were all done with the test. We hung out and talked until class was over. Class today was around an hour and a half, but it felt much shorter. I hope I can take another class from my instructor sometime, she was fun to have.

  After class was done I decided I wanted to try Rockin Robbie’s cheeseburger. I don’t usually indulge myself NEARLY this much, but it’s the end the the semester so I’ve been having a bit of fun this week trying food at school. I got the cheeseburger combo without the drink (it’s a dollar cheaper). My mom called right after I ordered and told me she was on her way, it was perfect timing. I told her what I was doing and she said she would be there in 5 minutes. I got my order right before she got here. I managed to get to the place where she picked me up a minute before she arrived. I knew RR would live up to it’s reputation once again. I usually loathe fast food burgers with a burning passion, but I knew RR’s would taste better than the others. I enjoyed every bite of that hamburger and the outrageously good fries they have as well.

  I probably won’t be eating out like this for a while, it’s not really my style. I finished my food in the car and my mom and brother and I made a quick stop at some place that sold vitamins, and other health stuff. I am not sure what they were doing there because I was busy looking around, but the place was interesting. It wasn’t quite as interesting as the place my mom works at, but it was still pretty cool.

  We went home right after this. I was glad to be home and went straight downstairs and started working on writing this post. I am always careful about making it so you can never tell I don’t write these all at once. I always make it look like I write it in one sit down. I tend to get impatient when I try to do that, so I avoid it as much as possible. I am quite picky about the way I present my posts.

  I pretty much spent the whole entire evening reading my new book. I am half way through it now, it’s amazing really. I get so into whatever I read I almost become one with the characters. I can feel their emotions. I can understand what they are feeling and why they feel it. I’m so practiced at spinning vivid images in my head and losing myself that burying myself in a book is like second nature. I can very easily become one with the story. Books stir my emotions and calm my thoughts. Sometimes I completely forget about the outside world and my surroundings. Sometimes the emotions that books bring me aren’t good, but I love them just the same. I get so emotionally involved it’s ridiculous sometimes.

  I don’t think I’ve had such a thoughtless night like this in a while. I really should try to find more time for reading this next semester. I am just glad I will have a few weeks of free time during Christmas and New Years vacation where I will be able to demolish some of my reading list.

  Happy 12/12/12 everyone. Once in a lifetime thing.

  • 1:30 AM
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