My day today started in quite a hurry. Right after I woke up I had to get in the car to go to the eye doctor. I woke up about an hour before we were supposed to be there, but it takes about that long to drive there. I didn't even have time to eat breakfast, or change my clothes. I just got out of bed, turned off my radio alarm clock, grabbed my backpack, my phone and my purse and headed out the door. The sun wasn't even up yet by the time we left, the mountains were still blocking it. It was around 8am.

I just took out my phone and my ear buds, and turned on dubstep radio on Pandora. I was trying to wake up. I was still a little dazed, because I had only been asleep for 5 minutes by the time we left. My mom and I didn't really talk very much on the way there. I was mainly half dozing, half sleeping, just caught between being awake and asleep. Everything went by me so fast and time seemed to just zoom past me. The car ride didn't seem that long, but we were in the car for probably 45 minutes driving up to the office. By the time we got to my eye doctor's office the sun was up. 

We went inside, and and told the person at the front we were there, signed a couple things, provided the info for my insurance, and boring stuff like that.  We then were told to wait, so we sat in some nearby chairs. I was doing something on my phone, don't remember now, but I remember it wasn't a game or anything like that. I try not to do anything that can strain my eyes before I go to the eye doctor. I try to avoid anything that will mess with my eye doctor's ability to give me a good prescription for glasses. I don't war glass very often, but it is always good if I have an accurate pair just in case.

I was called into the office about 10 minutes after we sat down. He put that funny contraption up against my face, the one they use to see how far you can be corrected. He used that to do the right eye / left eye test where you read the letters that are a certain distance away first. Without correction I could only read the first letter with both my right and my left eyes. He then did the correction to the best of his ability and I had to go through the process where you hear a lot of "do you like 1 or 2 better". It's kind of hard for me to tell which one is clearer when I look through that thing because of my nystagmus. My nystagmus makes my eyes move around and it's hard to focus. I am glad he knows how to accurately tell my perscription even with my troubles. 

He put some numbing drops in my eyes, and then he did a pressure test. I then had a few other drops put in my eyes to dilate my eyes. I was then told to wait outside for a few minutes until they dilated.  I went outside the little room I was in and I waited there for what I think was 8 to 10 minutes. By the time I was called back into the little room it was very bright and I had put my sunglasses on. The doctors assistant or something turned the lights down, but it was still pretty bright.  After this we did another pressure test, and the doctor checked my eyes with this really bright light, actually he used more than one bright light, I think he did like 3 separate things. I have no idea what he was doing. One of those times he used that funny thing they use to check what your glasses prescription is and checked my eyes through there. It was at this time he checked to see what my correction was again. I think I only had to answer the 1 or 2 question like twice. He adjusted my prescription a little bit.

We were done after this. My vision with correction is 20/ 300 in one eye and 20 / 200 in the other. My prescription this time is a little bit stronger, but not much.  We left right after this, well right after we gave him this form I needed to have filled out for school proving m vision impairment so I can use the accessibility office at school if I need to. After we gave him that, he said he would fill it out and give it back to us sometime soon. We left after this. I grabbed some of the plastic shades first of course before I did this so it wouldn't be so bright.

I just listened to music and dozed off again while we were driving. When we got close to the school we started talking about where we wanted to go for lunch.  We decided on this little place called "Mimi's Cafe". I had never been there before, and my mom said it was good. I had their french toast a few years back at some kind of food fair, but that was about it.

When we went in they asked us if we wanted the breakfast menu, or the lunch menu. I had been wearing both my sunglasses, and the plastic ones I got at the office at the same time because it was so bright, I took off mine when we got there though.  We picked the lunch menu, and then they brought us to our table.  We sat down and I started looking over the menu. I decided on the strawberry banana shake for a drink, and it took me a few more minutes after I ordered the drink to decide what I wanted to eat.  My mom just got a water, and she ordered some kind of dipping platter for an appetizer. I ordered the sweet and sour chicken meal, it had sweet and sour chicken, rice, and vegetables. My mom got this pot roast dish, I forgot what else it had on it. After a few minutes we were brought our water, and the appetizer, and I was brought my shake. My shake was in a really cool tall glass and had whipped cream on top.  I should probably mention that it was made by a bartender. I thought that was kind of cool.

The appetizer had crispy chicken sticks, and some kind of zucchini sticks.  There was also 3 kinds of sauces, tomato, ranch, and I'm not quite sure what the 3rd one was but it was great. After we waited for a while longer we were brought the food we ordered.  Both of our dishes were great. I loved everything about my sweet and sour chicken, rice, and vegetables, and my mom's dish looked pretty professional looking as well. I was very glad we decided to g there, it was obviously high quality and they all did their jobs well. We just sat there talking and eating for a while, really enjoying our food and talking about a sports team that was sitting nearby us. We were trying to figure out what kind of school they were from. Later after they started to leave we noticed they were from another local school besides the one I go to.

After we were done we put the rest of our stuff in a take home box, paid, and then left. I got out my pair of shades and put them over the plastic ones again. 

We drove to school and my mom dropped me off at the library. I was wishing I had brought my cane right about then, because things were a bit more blurry than they usually are when my eyes were dilated, plus I had 2 pairs of shades on, so it was pretty different. I somehow managed to walk to my class without tripping or running into anyone. When I got to class we just discussed our essay and stuff, nothing that interesting.

Astronomy was awesome today, we talked about stuff like the movement of planets, more stuff about orbits, comets, and stuff like that. What really got my interest was when we went off on a tangent at the beginning of class when someone asked something about warp speed. The professor proceeded to tell us more about how warp speed works, and that they are getting closer to being able to achieve it for space travel. He explained what anti-matter is and how it works and stuff like that as well. My mind was so blown by the time class ended. I have a whole new level of hope for space travel in the future now. We also talked about other possibly inhabitable planets that are 40 or less light years away from us, and a few other space travel related things.

The room that astronomy is in is pretty dim, so I actually took off my sunglasses for a while, the plastic ones were starting to bug my ears a little. I was glad I got to take them off during astronomy, I was a lot more comfortable.  Also, there is usually a chair in the front I sit in, but I decided to sit somewhere else in one of the other chairs. I chose a really good spot and it was awesome the whole time I was there.  We are going to be using the planetarium again on Monday and are going to be simulating more stars and stuff. I think if it is anything like last time we used the planetarium it is going to be awesome. 

After class ended I walked to the library where I usually wait for my ride and called my mom. I was going to go to Jamba Juice while I was waiting, but changed my mind. I was craving a smoothie but decided to make one myself when I got home.  It took my mom a while to get to the school to pick me up, I was only wearing one pair of shades by this time, things weren't as bright by the time school was over. 

I dozed off again on my way back home, I was pretty tired. Nothing much happened after school. I ate some pineapple, and just hung around the house looking through our new cable channels, watching anime, and working on homework. We had bought the pineapple a few days earlier and it was getting to be a little too ripe, I was the only one that noticed this, and it was just in time too! 

It took my eyes another hour or two for the brightness to wear off.I am a little bit behind in English, so I am mostly going to be working on catching up and working on my essay and upcoming astronomy quizzes. I really hope this will not be a boring weekend.  Anyway, I am probably going to go back to reading manga or something, so I'll write more later. Sorry for the lack of updates.

Today has been pretty boring. I just went to Costco with my dad earlier and he got a few things. I have just been hanging out at home today, just watching stuff on youtube, mostly minecraft related stuff. I am trying to make a Minecraft animation playlist on youtube. So far it has over 70 videos in it. I have started making various playlists for fun lately. I did a few minor things on Destiny Online, fought monsters, and some minor bosses, talked to friends, stuff like that. My dad is making tacos for dinner right now. My sister is of with her family going to the new Ice Age movie. She asked me if I wanted to go, but I didn't feel like it. I'm kind of in one of those (meh) moods right now. I haven't talked to Ronnie for a couple days, he is a really great friend to me. I really like talking to him and always miss him when he is away and we can't talk. I have no idea what he is doing, but I'm sure he is doing something, so I can't really complain. I really missed having a friend I felt like I could talk to about anything. Today is the one month anniversary of when we started talking a lot with each other. We talked to each other before, but he had a girlfriend and stuff and so we couldn't talk very much because she got jealous when he talked to other girls. I have actually known him for almost 4 years now. It's kind of hard when we can't talk, but I try not to let it get to me too much.

Yesterday was crazy, I was so nervous for my Astronomy test, I was so sure I wouldn't know very many of the questions. I tried skiming the book again, but didn't feel like it was good enough, I was going through my memories all day yesterday trying to salvage what I remembered from all my class periods so far in Astronomy. After school I took it, and to my surprise, I actually remembered more than I thought I did. I am pretty sure I won't get a perfect score, but I think I will get a good score. Definitely not going to fail it for sure. I actually accidentally fell asleep part way through my Astronomy class yesterday. That was part of the reason why I was so worried about the test. Yesterdays' class was a review of what we have talked about.  It is really easy to get comfortable in that class and fall asleep. The lights are usually dim, and the chairs are comfy as well.

I had English as well yesterday, but nothing to write about that, it was pretty normal. I am a little behind, but nothing I can't fix in a day or two. I have trouble with procrastinating sometimes, it's not, too bad, I keep it under control.

After school I just chilled out, watched Cars, listened to music, did stuff on Destiny Online, and a few things on Twitter (Starya).  Later, towards the evening my sister, and her family went out to eat at this resteraunt called Applebee's. I came with them, they were using a coupon that my niece Natalie got from reading for school. I had never gone to Applebee's before, I thought it was pretty great. I got this Orange chicken meal. It had crispy orange chicken, rice, and vegitables. I loved it a lot. For the drink I had a mango lemonade slushy, I had never had that particular one before. I thought it was really great, I will definitely be getting that again if I go to Applebee's again sometime. They also had some pretty different other flavors of lemonade, I actually had trouble choosing a little bit.

After we ate we were going to go to a movie, to the new Ice Age movie yesterday, but we decided to go today, and I no longer felt like it today so... I guess I will have to go next time.

When I got home I just did some stretching, and after a while I decided to make some Rice Krispy Treats for fun. I had never made them before yesterday night, and I really wanted to try it, so I printed out the recipe and did it. My sister makes them with double everything except for she uses the same amount of Rice Krispies. So that is 6 tbs of butter, 20 oz (ounces) of marshmallows, and 6 cups of Rice Krispies.  I decided to make it the way my sister does.

They turned out really fantastic, everyone approved. They only lasted until half way through the afternoon today.

Wednesday and Thursday are a blur to me right now. I was so focused on the Astronomy test this week that I am very in the present right now.

Tuesday was fun though. At Institute we had a cross faith devotional. A catholic bishop by the name of John Wester came and told us about the catholic faith, the differences with our LDS faith and the similarities. It was really very interesting listening to him. The devotional was about an hour long and he talked for half of that. The institute's choir also sang. There was a prayer given at the beginning of the meeting by a catholic woman. She told us to say it with her, so we said the lords prayer together. I learned a lot about the catholic faith in that hour. I am glad our Institute of religion is trying to reach out to other faiths and be kind. 

This week in yoga we got through all out standing poses for the first time. I feel amazing every time I do yoga. I can tell things are just going to be getting better and better.

I sat with a couple of my friends I know from church and my earlier years in elementary school. 

I will just go ahead and post this now. I know I have forgotten a few things, if I remember them I will edit.

I have always been a pretty dedicated Xanga user. I have always tried to chip in what I can, be premium and stuff, comment, and red, etc. Some of you know that a couple of months ago I had to get 3 fillings and I am still paying off the dental bill. I have been running on premium plus for the last year on here but it is almost expired. Usually if I didn't have to pay my last payment of $125 next month I would just buy another year, but Ii don't think I am going to be able to this time. I might just have to do the 6 month one this time. I really hate being short on money, it really does suck. Last month I got below a dollar. I didn't overdraw, but it got that low, it was insane.

The weekend was pretty boring, and even today nothing really that interesting happened. I've just been talking to friends and stuff. I spent a lot of time just doing homework, playing Destiny Online, and just random stuff that isn't worth mentioning.  Sunday was Stake conference, it's when all the wards in one stake (mormon vocab yay!) get together and have a big 2 hour meeting instead of the usual 3 hour block. It usually happens earlier than usual too, like around 10am. Different wards go to church at different times. It changes for everyone every year. Stake conference is like a sacrament meeting, only it's 2 hours long ad we don't take the sacrament.

Anyway, so as much as I hate to end it here, my brain is just totally shorting out. I'll make sure to write tomorrow.

Bleh, I have mixed feelings about today. It's been kind of crazy.

My day started off as pretty normal. I got up and washed my hair, got ready for school, the normal stuff. I actually had milk and peanut butter cookies for breakfast today though, that was different. I forgot to submit a short English assignment for my class, so I did that really quick before school. My sister had a doctor's appointment and she had to leave for a while. I played Destiny Online, listened to music, and submitted that assignment before she got back.

She didn't come back until 10 minutes before class was about to start, we had to hurry to the school. I was feeling kind of neutral abou this situation. I really wasn't that upset about it because my teacher really doesn't make a big deal about me being late. It couldn't be helped today. I was pretty quiet as usual in the car today, I usually do not talk very much when I am in the car. I like to think about stuff when I am moving around like that.  I kind of felt a little bad about having to be late, but it couldn't be helped, so I just tried to ignore this.

I got to my class 10 minutes late, I hurried as fast as I could all the way there and up the flights of stairs. I was pretty out of breath by the time I made it there and made sure I stopped by a drinking fountain right before because my mouth was dry.

The class itself, we just presented these lists, pretty easy lists to the class with our groups we have. We had a question (like ours was "Why is Fast food so popular?") we presented our list of reasons to the class and added details if we wanted. Other groups in class had other questions. It got pretty interesting.

I went to Astronomy afterward, and we talked about the different types of light, and what they effect and how they effect things and people and how they work as well. I accidentally got a little too comfortable for a little bit and almost fell asleep. My friend warned me that might happen haha. The class was really fun though, and interesting as always. We are taking a test in a week though, I'm kind of nervous for that.  I think I will do fine, because I love Astronomy, but I am still a little nervous, because it's a lot of info to take in. Sometimes I forget things. I am always kind of disappointed when class has to be over.

Anyway, today is Friday, so I had no fitness classes, so I was done after Astronomy.

I had a Fruit and nut bar for lunch and took some pictures (I"ll upload them in the morning). I decided I wanted to stay a big longer, so I found a good wifi spot, and watched an episode of Cake Boss. I like the atmosphere at school, so I usually end up staying a bit longer than I need to. I didn't call anyone until 40 minutes after my class had ended. Then it took my dad at least 25 minutes to get to the school and pick me up, so I wasn't home for a while.

I have just been listening to music, watching Cake Boss, playing Destiny online, surfing facebook, and just hanging around the house. After school I found out that one of my friends from Destiny Online was really mad at me for selling a pet he gave me on the game. I had no clue he was the one who gave me the pet, I thought it was just a random person, and so I didn't think about selling it. I felt bad afterwards and I have been trying to contact the person I sold it to to try and trade for a different pet, so I could get his back, but she hasn't answered. Something tells me she doesn't want to give it up and this has been a particular point of stress for me today. I know it is a game, but my friend was so mad at me and I really want to make things right. I once had a different pet on the game a long time ago and one of my other game friends sold that one when I was away, so I know how that feels. I was pretty attached to it as well. I know this sounds a bit silly, but my relationship with Destiny Online has always been unique compared to other games. Alll of us have always been close on the game, and have been through so much the 4 years it's been out. I have a ton of memories on there. I only started blogging on here 2 months before I joined the game. Some of my long disappearances from here have to do with me playing on there in the past. 

Anyway, so I had that to deal with, plus aunt flow decided to visit today **cough cough** , AND I got a really bad bloody nose earlier in the day. I always become kind of drained and a little moody after that happens. That mixed with the other thing made me feel kind of irritated today, and moody and stuff. I've been feeling weird. I guess that is expected though. Oh yeah, not to mention that I hadn't talked to Ronnie for almost 2 days, and this was making me go crazy as well. He is a really cool guy, another friend I met on DO, (If you didn't know that from my previous posts).  He only contacted me about an hour ago. I am so relieved to be talking to him again. I really have been feeling thrown around emotionally today, so I was honestly truly happy to talk to him again.

Anyway, I have pictures and stuff I am planning on adding tomorrow morning. I might add a few other thoughts and feelings too. I am pretty fried today, so I might have to add stuff tomorrow.

I'll wait to add the tags tomorrow to.

My fitness classes (Yoga and Pilate's) are done for the week. I have Pilate's, Mondays' and Wednesdays , and Yoga Tuesdays and Thursdays. I kind of wish I had them Friday and Saturday as well ha ha. There are so many poses in Yoga so far that I have almost fell on my face trying to do so far. I actually bruised my knee one day when I fell over trying to do Reverse Triangle Pose. It was really funny however. I am really loving it though, despite how amateur I am at it.  My teacher always explains everything so clearly, and there are a lot of people in my Yoga class, so I can watch them too. I usually put my mat in the front, so I can see the best.  We started getting into the primary series of poses just like 2 or 3 classes ago. Last time we only did 3 or 4 of them, but today we did as many as 7 or possibly 8 of them. I don't remember precisely. I am gradually memorizing them. Some I can do a lot better than others.

I still have a lot of progress to make in both my Yoga and Pilate's classes, I am still very out of shape, especially for my Pilate's class, it is pretty hard but I do my best. I am working on my balance, and flexibility especially in my spare time.

I think we have our first test in Astronomy tomorrow, I'm a little nervous for that. There are still a lot of things I haven't quite caught on to yet.  I am going to study more later, and hopefully I will be able to fully grasp everything. I really love the class a lot, and can't wait to see what we talk about tomorrow. I want us to play around with the planetarium dome more as well, it's so cool.

English is going fine, I'm not sure if I said anything about us learning how to do APA papers on Tuesday, but that is what we did for that class period.  have English 4 days a week, kind of weird, but it works. We have 3 classroom days and 1 computer lab day.  We haven't been given anything that hard.

I usually have an hour between my Astronomy class, and my Pilates class, and my English class and My yoga class on almost every day except for Thursday and Friday. I have no English class at twelve on Thursday, and I have no fitness class on Friday. I usually just walk around campus in my free time just getting to know everything. I remember one of the days I went and read some of the apartment postings on the bulletin boards where they have all these houses and apartments for rent. Some of the ads are hilarious and made me laugh so hard.  People are so creative sometimes I tell you.  Sometimes I eat lunch in this time period, or just bring a nut bar, and buy a sobe Lifewater and drink that before class. I try not to eat very much before I exercise, that was actually recommended by my instructors.

Thursday, I don't remember if I mentioned this as well, but Thursday the Institute of Religion over near the University has a $2.00 lunch. It is something different every week. I didn't have it this week, but they had Taco Salad.  They call it 'Lunch Bunch".  The institute teachers are pretty nice and they sometimes buy people lunch if they don't have the money.

So, after my last post I actually sent the link to Darik. Not sure if he read it or not, he might have not read it. I made it a point to tell him to ignore the dramatic sounding title and to not read the other 3 parts. I don't think he would have read the other 3 parts even if I had given them to him as well anyway, so I'm not worried. I really wanted him to understand my feelings in this part. 

Yesterday I went to Costco with my mom and ad after school, we just bought a few little things, I also got some new pillows. They are just temporary pillows however, until I have enough money to buy a really good one next month. I sleep with two pillows, I get back and neck problems and stiffness if I don't. I put my 2nd pillow in the laundry room however to be washed. We decided that I just needed another pillow though. I can't afford the one I want right now, but I will be able to next month however. I'm looking for one that is like a micro bead pillow or something like that.

When I got home from school today my sister had made Peanut Butter cookies. I think this batch is for a neighbor or something though. I'm pretty sure she will make more for us however. 

Anyway, that is all for now. I know I usually do not post this early but I felt like writing, and when I feel like writing I know I should.

I've always had so many pent up feelings for Darik. I used to be really stubborn when it came to liking him. I usually would never admit that I liked him, even to myself. After years of doing that all the stuff I feel for him, the stuff I was trying to repress got so tangled and messed up that when it finally all came out at me I got really confused and went haywire. It still stresses me out when I try to make sense out of everything I feel and organize it all, just not as bad now. I have made a commitment now to not bring this problem with me when we talk or if we see each other again. I told him I would drop it all and just go off a clean slate and not bring any of that frustration and stuff to him. It was really starting to put a strain on our friendship. Darik and Dylan have always been very patient with me and that is something I have always loved about them. Darik and I worked out the basics on the first and 2nd day of school. I told him that I would try and be myself and not worry about everything anymore if he would give me another chance. Once again he replied and said that we will always be friends and that will and has never changed. After all the drama he has had to put up with me in the past, these words never cease to surprise me. He really has a good heart. So, the foundation is there, I just have to make sure I don't mess it up again.

I still try to untangle the mess of my feelings for Darik sometimes, but I do it alone, when i"m not around anyone else. I get kind of stressed when I try to do it, and kind of burnt out, but I always stop if it becomes too much. I'm not kidding when I say everything is tangled in an incomprehensible mess. I know I'll eventually figure this out, even if it takes me more time than I want it to.

I made a commitment at the end of the last school semester when they graduated that I would just let go and leave them alone. I really felt like I couldn't do anything right, or say anything right either, so I just decided to let go and move on. Things did not go as planned however, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You also have to understand that they are both implanted so far and so deep into my subconscious that whenever I try to do stuff like this my subconscious rebels, in a big way too. If you have seen the posts about my dreams you know that I have a LOT of dreams about Darik, and Dylan as well, but not nearly as much as I have about Darik. When I dream about someone I have trouble not thinking about them for a little while afterward and that can sometimes create this cycle that is hard to break. I think about the person, and then I end up dreaming about them more.  I had this problem with my best friend Eric after he got married, my mind just did not want to let go of him. Well my problem with Darik is at least 10 times worse than this. I dream about him and it's like when I wake up my feelings for him are like 10 fold what they are usually and I can't get him off my mind and so the cycle just keeps going whether or not I want it to. My feelings calm down after a while, but the effect of the dreams usually lasts for a few hours after I wake up. So with this info you can probably understand why I had trouble letting go.

I was fine for a few weeks, but there was the matter of all my unresolved feelings for the both of them. Well, actually mostly Darik, I can ignore  my little problems with Dylan easy, they are nothing. I cracked at least 3 times and texted and messaged Darik. I felt to guilty for what a moron I had been though that every time I cracked it just made me feel worse. Sure, it made me feel better for a day or so but then I started doubting if I should have said what I said every time. I was so sure that Darik hated me by the end of the summer, I was shattered into a million pieces, or at least that is how I felt. The weight of still having a lot on my mind, the pressure of trying to untangle everything, and the pain of a lot of regret was just weighing me down. I was so stubborn, I did not want to let anything go, I wanted to solve it all. I am the kind of person that likes to resolve my feelings about stuff and solve my problems, all of them if I can. A lot of you know that I have a lot of regrets in my friendship with them, and the pressure of these regrets was killing me inside. I have trouble letting go of stuff like that. I am the kind of person that likes to solve EVERYTHING as I said before, even my feelings of regret for most things if I can.

In the end I ended up having to admit to myself that I just needed to let everything go, whether or not it was unresolved. I knew that if I was going to be a good friend I would have to get the hang of this. I knew I could do it and that is when I asked him for another chance and he said we were still friends. I am not expecting anything that big to happen, or for us to magically start talking a lot, I know that would be unrealistic. I do feel a lot better anyway, just because I am at least trying to let go of everything when I talk to him or if I see him. I don't feel bad about thinking about all that as long as I keep it to myself and work it out in private and don't bring him into it. I feel like a better friend now. I feel a lot better in general and not as... broken, I guess you could say.

You are probably wondering why I never talk about Dylan. That one is simple, there is just nothing I need to talk about. I am really quite satisfied with how things turned out with Dylan. I have no regrets, I did everything I could do and even though I probably could have been a lot more out going, I at least had a decent amount of time around Dylan when I was in school when I was younger. I really did like Dylan a lot, and I was able to organize my feelings and my thoughts a lot better and resolve almost all the inner problems I had a long time ago. It was kind of hard letting go, but I did it early enough that it didn't cause me too much trouble.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't made myself more distant on purpose, but it was necessary. I used to focus on Dylan a lot more, so I was able to keep myself organized and not let everything get tangled up and stuff. I never ignored my feelings for Dylan, I just carefully resolved them. It took me a few years after I decided I was going to let go of him, but I managed it just fine. He has a girlfriend now, an extremely awesome one too. I have always liked Jennifer a lot, she is really cool. I'm really glad I didn't let my problems with Darik effect my friendship with Dylan. I could have really screwed things up with Dylan if I hadn't been really careful. I came close to dragging him into it, but caught myself before I could do anything. I don't think he noticed the distance I kept from him, I was doing this on purpose. I didn't want to upset the balance. I made a wise decision.

Anyway, I guess this is all for now. Knowing me there will probably be another part haha.

School has been going great for me. I am taking Yoga, Pilates, Astronomy, and English. So far over the past 10 days ssince school has really kicked into gear it hasn't been too hard, in my non-fitness classes that is. My Yoga and Pilates classes have really been working me hard, but I am really enjoying it. I have an awesome teacher, he is really fun and exciting, and he explains everything well in my Yoga class. My Pilates teacher has been working us to death, and it is only the third week, so it is still pretty hard for me in both classes. I can tell I am already getting better at those classes.

Astronomy has been fun we have been learning all about orbit, eclipses, planets, stars, etc. I still need to go through the chapters and read 1 to 5 again because it hasn't quite sunk in. I"m not surprised that my brain has taken a little bit of time to wake up, I did just get up off of a 4 month break. In the classroom, in the center of the room there is this big planetarium dome. We just started doing stuff with that. He simulated the orbit of some planets, and solar and lunar eclipses. I think the dome is really awesome, even if it doesn't always behave. The first day something went wrong and the stars started moving rapidly in one direction and everyone felt like they were zipping through the universe, it was trippy. I really enjoy my teacher, he is fun to listen to and exciting and knows how to crack a good joke. He always saves a good seat for me because of my visual impairment, I think that is really nice.  He also lets me be late without docking me because my previous class (English) is so far away. I can't wait to tell you guys more about this class as it progresses.  There is a lot I don't understand right now, but I can get the hang of it.

I am in the bottom English class in the college. I am very rusty in English, surprisingly enough. I'm sure none of you expected that since I write so much.  I don't know how to do a lot of things, like write papers, my grammar isn't the best, and some other things. So far I am liking the class, we have just started out with simple things like recognizing similar words, learning about the different kinds of papers there are and how to write and order them, and some other stuff. The class his pretty easy to understand, but gives enough challenge that I learn, but am not overwhelmed. We have this journal we write different stuff from the textbook in like responses to questions, summarizing paragraphs, and some other stuff.  It's nothing too hard, but gives a healthy dose of challenge. My teacher is pretty easy to understand as well. There are a lot of people from different countries in my class as well, It get's pretty interesting sometimes, sometimes some of them talk a lot though and that can be annoying.

I got a locker for my stuff for when I am in my fitness classes, it is all the way on the other side of campus from where I usually am. I also have to go up a ton of stairs, so when I go to put my stuff in it it's kind of like a pre-workout. I have been loosing a steady 3 pounds a week since school started because of all my activity. I am feeling really good. It's kind of exhausting walking back and forth between two ends of the campus, but it is helping me get into good shape. Sometimes I am tempted to take the elevator up instead of all those stairs, but then I think of all the help they can be.

I have also been careful about what I have been eating. I make sure not to pack anything really sugary or unhealthy in my lunches.  I also make sure I take a lot of vitamins, and drink a lot of water. My mom is a health expert, so she helps me a lot.

It is still pretty hot over here, so most of my days at school my back is completely soaked with sweat. I know that is kind of gross to some people, but there isn't really anything I can do about it ha ha. I am just glad I am getting into better shape.

I made sure not to schedule any of my classes before 11am, so I get plenty of sleep. I sometimes have a problem with falling asleep a little late, so this is good this semester. I am still trying to get my sleep patterns back on. They aren't that hard to get back on a good time, I just don't feel like going to bed early sometimes haha.

For ward Family Home Evening we played games, and ate these really great home made scones, they were amazing. I ate like 3 of them. I had one with powdered sugar and strawberry jam, one with honey, and one with cinnamon sugar and a little bit of butter. they were so addicting. One of the games we played was this one where there was this disk handed around and it had a different thing on it and the person that was holing it had to give clues as to what it was that was written o the disk. The person, or team that guessed correctly got a point. Our team lost, but it was still pretty awesome.

We were supposed to have a pool party today, but then a thunderstorm came, so we decided to just play games and hang out and stuff.  The thunderstorm was amazing though, it produced some of the coolest lightning I have seen in a long time. There were so many long ones this time, and we finally got some much needed rain.

I am still talking to my friend Ronnie a lot. Sometimes I get a bit worried that we are getting too close though, sometimes we go a bit overboard with what we talk about and I end up wanting to retract sometimes. I am probably going to tone it down a bit since we don't live that close, and it takes up too much of my time and distracts me from my school work. Sometimes I am also worried that I know too much about him. There are some things that make me uneasy.  I haven't talked to him at all today actually. I needed a break and some time to myself to do homework and stuff. I can't always be talking to him all the time even though he is super nice and stuff. I like him a lot, but sometimes I worry that things are moving way too fast and in a direction I am not willing to go. I am always clear on the fact that I just want to be friends though, even though we do get carried away sometimes. I don't really believe in online dating anymore. I like someone else anyway, so it's not like it's going to go anywhere.  He is my type in a lot of ways, but in some certain more important ways I realize we aren't really that compatible and this is how I really feel about it. I've had people I have had a lot in common with and they just didn't feel right. I always follow my heart and my common sense and try not to lead anyone on. I know he wants to be my number one, but I just can't. Sometimes when we talk, we get a little too comfortable and I end p wanting to keep my distance for a time. I think I need to be better about expressing how I feel still.  I know part of how things turn out is my fault, I need t work on that.

Anyway, I guess this is all for now. I have pictures and stuff I want to show, but I'll do that tomorrow. I'm pretty wiped out. I can't believe I typed this much without falling asleep haha.

Sometimes I get so nervous when people want to get close to me. I have never been all that popular, and some people think I'm a little different. I have noticed that a lot of people in the outside world tend to judge me a lot more than people on the net. Probably because the people that are on the net always see my personality first, and the people in the outside world tend to judge me by my looks and what I am like on the outside.  I don't talk a lot, hardly at all actually and I don't really just go up to people and hang out and stuff. It's just never been my style. I guess the way people act around me has given me a slight dislike for the outside world. I feel like if I show myself then I will be judged negatively. I am nowhere perfect and I know it. I have insecurities, things I worry about, things that make me nervous, and freeze and other stuff like that.

Some misconceptions people have about me pop up from time to time and it drives me crazy.  Like they think just because I have bad vision that I can't get around on my own or do stuff a lot of other people do. I may be legally blind, but do you see me wearing glasses, contacts, reading braille, etc? The answer is no. I am capable of doing almost anything a person with normal sight can do. It's just the way I adapted. I am not helpless and I can get around on my own, read regular print, go to movies, watch TV, and even on occasion I play sports with friends even though I'm not too good at them. I also have Nystagmus, it makes it so my eyes can't realy hold still. You wouldn't believe how many people have made fun of me in my lifetime. I couldn't even look at anyone in the face for years because I was so destroyed by their comments.

People assume that just because I go a little slower at school that I am dumb or something. It is nothing like that. I just like to go at my own pace, I don't go by what other people like. I am in no hurry and neither should anyone else in my opinion. I think we would all be a lot less stressed if we knew how to relax more.

And then there are the times when people judge me for my outward imperfections which is utter insanity. I don't have a perfect smile, I know I am missing a few teeth, but that is not my fault. I do wear 4 fake ones on the top, but that was out of my control and I wish people wouldn't judge me for it. I never bothered to replace the other two that are missing, you can't even see them.  I was just born without some of my teeth, just the 4 on top, and then the other 2 had to be pulled because I had weak enamel and they were having problems. I am missing some permanent teeth on top, but there is nothing I can really do about it. I used to be teased a lot about my smile. Lucky for me I still like to smile, even though I am still really self conscious about the way my teeth are. I usually never tell people this about me if they don't know just because it's caused me a lot of trouble in the past. People hurt me so badly that now I feel like if anyone finds this stuff out about me now that they will lose interest, or stop liking me, or be weirded out. It's really terrifying... really. I am just glad i still have most of my top ones, and all of my bottom ones.  I guess it could be worse.

Another stupid thing that people judge me for is my kind of deformed toe on the left foot. I was just born with it. I know it looks a little weird, but you can't really do anything about genetic deformations like that except for get surgery, which I will do some day most likely.

I am human, and I want to be loved just like anyone else. be careful how you treat people, you may effect them in a negative way if you are not careful. I try to hide my insecurities, but because I was tortured by people in my earlier years about my imperfections it's really secretly traumatized me. Traumatized me to the point where I am afraid to get close to anyone in fear that they will find out my imperfections. 

I wonder if anyone will be able to look past this. I really hope there is at least 1 person like that out there.

I also hate the misconception that people like me that are on SSI can't get jobs. That is definitely not the case for me.  I just don't have enough skills right now to be confident enough to get a job, plus it is hard for someone with vision problems to find jobs, and I am in school anyway, so I just ride with it. If I really had to get one I could get one somehow I'm sure, but for now I just live off of SSI for now.  I am very skilled in a lot of areas, I just need to learn a few more things, and improve my social skills.

My weight doesn't bother me that much, but sometimes people are a little picky about it. I am healthy, so I am not going to just go with what some people say and get paranoid about it. It is not that bad, I NEVER get sick at all, and I am very active and am losing it in my own time.

My speech isn't all that clear sometimes either. I work on it though. It's only this way because I don't talk a whole lot, or I didn't before anyway. I talk a bit more on videos and stuff, and I can already see an improvement. My mouth just got a bit lazy.

Anyway, these are the things I am most self conscious about and the things I wish people would look over more, or wouldn't judge me by. I was just thinking about this and had to write my thoughts down.

I'm sure there is someone out there who can look past my imperfections, but where that person is I have no clue.  I might even find more than one, I guess I will have to be patient.  **sigh**

I hope none of you think these things are weird haha. That would make me feel great. I never judge other people for their imperfections, or make fun of anyone, or anything like that. I guess because I know what it is like to be on the other side, what it feels like to be so different that you don't feel like anyone can accept you.