May 20, 2011

• Shattered Illusions

  I really need to vent my mind again. I need to get this stuff out of my head.

  I've never really written about Dylan that much in the past, Dylan is Darik's twin brother. You've seen me mention Darik about a billion times before in my previous blog posts.

  Things are pretty much backwards now with me, if this was 5 or 6 years ago I'm pretty sure it would be Dylan that I would mention about a billion times in my blog posts instead of Darik.  about 10 and a half years ago when I met them I was around Darik more, I got a special attachment to him, he was there in one of the most terrifying times in my life, when I was learning how to go to a normal school, how to function around different people than I had before. I'm not here to talk about Darik though, I'm here to talk about Dylan.

  Dylan isn't very hard to love he is funny, outgoing, smart, just amazing all around. I remember wishing that I had a class with him instead of Darik back in the 6th grade, i'm kind of glad now that it didn't turn out that way though, everything has a purpose and I don't think things would have had quite the same impact on me if it had been Dylan there instead of Darik.  I formed a more normal kind of attachment to Dylan than  did to Darik. My attachment to Darik is just a bit more complicated than my attachment to Dylan. anyway so I eventually got my wish in the 7th grade, we had an art class together and we got to spend a little more time around each other it as really nice to have him around like I had always wanted. I got even more attached to him because of having an oportutity like that to be around him more.

  Though the years I started to have really strong feelings for him, and I think I unthinkingly created an illusion for myself that he cared about me as much as I cared about him. I think deep inside I knew all along that his feelings for me weren't even close to what I felt for him. I think I thought about it a few times but it scared me so much to think about it possibly being a 1 sided feeling with Dylan I just kind of shut it out and refused to realize it. Through all those classes and all those times I was around him I built up a dangerous illusion that we were getting closer, that he was starting to care about me more. He became someone very important to me, and I dare say that I even started to love him just a little bit though. At this point in time I was having some problems with Darik, I felt like I was getting closer to Dylan but felt the exact opposite about Darik even though I still had that special attachment to him still. 

  I am so glad I realized around half way through the 9th grade that I should probably put a little distance between me and Dylan and Darik as well, even though I had already been doing that with Darik.  I kind of backed off from the both of them a little more, I didn't have any classes with Dylan half way through 9th grade so this really helped as well. Except for PE we didn't have any classes together, but the boys and the girls were separated in PE so I didn't really count that as having a class together. We had a weight room upstairs above the gym and it had a big glass window looking down on the gym. I remember looking down at him when I thought he wasn't looking.  I saw him with his other friends and noticed how different he was around me, I think that was the real beginning, the time I started to put my wall up to protect myself from being hurt. I think I made a good choice of pushing him away, I think I would have ended up being a lot more hurt in the future.

  I genuinely started to try and get over Dylan in the 10 grade, I cared about him but I knew I could no longer have a crush on him, or whatever that was that I felt for him. We didn't have any classes together and we were starting to get more distant. I didn't reject it that much at that point in time but I didn't really accept it all the way either.  I still had strong feelings for Dylan but I was trying my best to tame them, it was a real pain to be honest. i've never had so much trouble with a guy before. 

  towards the end of the 10th grade my best friend's boyfriend told me that they had been lying to him about being my friends and they had been saying some pretty bad stuff behind my back. I kind of let Darik off the hook on this one because I was pretty sure at the time he didn't like me even before I heard this, and I felt like because we hadn't been around each other that much he couldn't really judge me correctly and that is why it turned out that way. I wasn't really mad at him, but Dylan on the other hand was a different story. I had known this particular person that told me these things for even longer than I had known Darik and Dylan, plus he always claimed that he was their friend so I thought he new what he was talking about. I did confront Darik about what he said and he denied it. Even if he had really said some bad things about me I kind of felt like I deserved it because I hadn't been very fair to him. I was mad at Dylan though, even the notion of him saying things behind my back made my blood boil a lot. While Darik had an excuse, Dylan did not, he had had classes with me and thus he should have known better than to lie to me like that. I wasn't sure if what my best friend's boyfriend said was true, but I wasn't about to let Dylan off the hook just in case he was telling the truth.  I pretty much gave Dylan the silent treatment for the most part for a little more than half a year after that.  I only talked to him a few times, but not often, and it was mostly just saying hi to him.

  I kind of gave him some slack a little when I learned him and his brother were leaving the high school to start college early. I let myself like him a little bit, and for the most part made piece with my feelings. I had some regrets but I think it was smart for me to sepirate myself from him like that for a while. I think it would have been a lot more painful for me to see him go if i hadn't done that.  It didn't feel weird at all when they were gone because I had kept my distance from them for a while,  I was really glad about this. I was sad that Dylan was gone and all, it hurt as well but it wasn't that weird. I still had a hard time accepting that he was gone all the way part way into the 12th grade.  He had given me a rose for valentine's day a few months after he left the school, this didn't really help me to completely get over him but I loved that rose so much I kept it all the way until august or September. I started to admit that it was probably time for me to start moving on for real, that went a lot smoother after I started talking to Sam. Sam is a whole different story though.

  I felt more distant from Darik and Dylan with every month that past, I only saw them a handful of times between when they left and when I graduated. By the time they graduated I had developed feelings for someone else and they kind of felt like a distant memory to me, like a faded painting.

  I saw them both a few times when I was at college. I felt indifferent to Dylan being there when I saw him. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel, he felt like a stranger, like I had never known him in the first place by then for some reason. I think I was starting to wake up and realize that world of illusion, that world where he cared about me, where they both cared about me was fake. Something I had not until them began to fully grasp. I had only managed to partly grasp it in the past, I don't think I was quite ready to accept the truth back then.  I didn't really think much of them being around, and even since the 9t grade I had been denying to myself at a certain level that I even liked either of them. This was a lot worse with Darik than it was with Dylan as some of you know.

  Not soon after school ended both of them went on their LDS mission. I didn't write them at all but I did find their blogs online and followed along with their letters. I think I began to see them a lot differently than I had before just from reading those blogs.  It also helped me accept that I really did care about both of them like I had been denying for so long before. Part of me couldn't let go of them and part of me hated them and the part of me that hated them at the point in time before I started reading those letters was winning over. I managed to make piece with the fact that it was okay to care about them, especially Darik. At the same time I began to realize that I didn't really know anything about them, but kind of brushed that off for a while.

  When I saw them for the first time after their missions almost exactly a year ago for the first time in a long time I admitted that I liked them both equally.  My feelings for both of them then had matured a lot. I no longer had a crush on either of them of course, I liked them just as friends naturally.  I was relieved to see both of them... well maybe Darik a little more to be truthful.  It was nice seeing both of them though.

  I started keeping contact with them via facebook after that. It was nice to have some sort of connection with them again.

  In the fall when they started school last year again the began to go to my ward in church.  I began to fix things with Darik finally. Darik and I kind of got a little closer, the exact opposite thing felt like it was happening with Dylan though. When I was fixing stuff with Darik I started to fully realize the difference between what I felt for each of then. My feelings for Darik and our situation really illuminated a lot of things that had to do with Dylan. I finally realized fully that I felt really insecure about our relationship, our friendship, whatever you call it. Things were so good with Darik that all these troubles finally manifested themself and it kind of freaked me out a lot. I was so sure before I fixed things with Darik that things were just fine with Dylan and I but I had somehow managed to cut my heart off from him without even realizing it. It was a really strange feeling to feel all this stuff for Darik all of the sudden that I had been denying myself from feeling and at the same time kind of feel numb for Dylan. On top of this I fully realized that I didn't really know anything about them, well almost nothing. This also scared me. I have tried asking them a few times but they never answer my questions, I think they are just too busy. I also think it has to do with how I know that our feelings for each other are vastly different. I've basically had to admit to myself that I will probably never know a lot about either of them. At least I know enough to call them friends.

  I had managed to completely disillusion myself. I no longer lived in that fantasy world where he cared about as much about me as I did for him, I no longer lied to myself and told myself that I was close to either of them. When the illusion was gone it was really hard and it left me feeling a little out of place for a while. I have unique very distinguishable feelings for both of them. I think that special attachment I have to Darik has fully manifested itself however. I like them both equally, just in different ways. It terrifyed me a lot when I realized fully that I really didn't know very much about either of them. I had a hard time with this for a couple of weeks. I have pretty much fully accepted that we will probably never be that close. My feelings might be sone sided for the rest of my life.  At least they think of me as a friend however, even if they don't care about me as much as I care about them it will be fine from now on. I guess this stuff had to come with age, it's weird.

  I don't feel as awkward around Dylan now but I do feel a bit more distant. I suppose this is for the best. I care about them both a lot. I'm just glad I quit living in a fantasy world, and I'm glad I straightened out my  feelings for both of them.  I have to admit it was hard for me to see them leave again to go work for the summer. I'm so used to having them be there still it was still a little hard to see them go again. I'm just glad they will be back in the fall again. 

   

  Sorry if i missed any spelling errors, or typed words wrong. Sometimes I miss those in long posts like these.

  • 9:38 PM
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