February 24, 2011

  • Wake Up Call

    I’ve been having some issues lately, mostly socially. I have this problem with not wanting to be around anyone most of the time. It’s like I feel really uncomfortable and awkward around people. Sometimes I feel inferior and like I’ll only be a bother to people and get in the way. Whenever someone tries to get close to me I automaticly feel really defensive and apprehensive around them. Most of the time when people try to get me to interact with then I start feeling really uncomfortable and just want to get away. I forget to think about other people’s feelings a lot of the time, or completely disregard them sometimes. I have a bad habit of letting my heart get icy around people. I very slowly  became a really selfish and self centered person.

    No this is not really me I know that. I know what my true self is. Being my true self though is a lot harder than you would guess though. Being able to admit these things as you have probably guessed by now means that I am trying to reverse the damage I have dome to myself. I made the mistake of only thinking about how I felt for a really long time. Up until recently it has been just about me and what I want and what I feel like I need to do. I’ve ignored and avoided situations where I could have helped people and could have been there for them.  This is part of my no hassle personality. I have accepted that I was wrong to do this though now and I know I need to change. 

    I told one of my friends how I feel about everything. I told him how I feel about my life and how I feel around people.  I had completely forgotten, or mostly forgotten that it is not really about me. When he replied I felt like I woke up. What sam said to me yesterday did help me a lot. Now I am a lot more careful about not thinking about just myself. I now that what he said to me was inspired by God. I wasn’t feeling like I could talk to God at the time, I was thinking to much about myself. My heart however is always open to Sam, I’ve never really felt a need to push him away at all, so in situations like these sometimes i ask him for advice when i fee like I can’t open my heart to anyone else.  I’m glad I told him how I was feeling, I consciously knew even through all that ice in my heart that I should seek that window again and I was right. I of course am not giving him all the credit for helping me of course. I know it was God’s way of getting to me. Sam can relate to some of the troubles I have been happening as well and I feel like I can completely trust him. That is another reason I told him how I was feeling. I’m really glad I met him. 

    i still have a long way to go, I still have a lot to learn but i already feel like I have improved since yesterday. That is a great feeling to me. I know I could have done it without his help, but I figured since my heart is so open with him and I know I can tell him about this stuff and I knew it would probably be more effective I just decided to tell him about it and I’m glad I did. If you have a good shortcut that you know will work you should take it. That is what I believe anyway.