September 1, 2012

• Insecure

  Sometimes I get so nervous when people want to get close to me. I have never been all that popular, and some people think I'm a little different. I have noticed that a lot of people in the outside world tend to judge me a lot more than people on the net. Probably because the people that are on the net always see my personality first, and the people in the outside world tend to judge me by my looks and what I am like on the outside.  I don't talk a lot, hardly at all actually and I don't really just go up to people and hang out and stuff. It's just never been my style. I guess the way people act around me has given me a slight dislike for the outside world. I feel like if I show myself then I will be judged negatively. I am nowhere perfect and I know it. I have insecurities, things I worry about, things that make me nervous, and freeze and other stuff like that.

  Some misconceptions people have about me pop up from time to time and it drives me crazy.  Like they think just because I have bad vision that I can't get around on my own or do stuff a lot of other people do. I may be legally blind, but do you see me wearing glasses, contacts, reading braille, etc? The answer is no. I am capable of doing almost anything a person with normal sight can do. It's just the way I adapted. I am not helpless and I can get around on my own, read regular print, go to movies, watch TV, and even on occasion I play sports with friends even though I'm not too good at them. I also have Nystagmus, it makes it so my eyes can't realy hold still. You wouldn't believe how many people have made fun of me in my lifetime. I couldn't even look at anyone in the face for years because I was so destroyed by their comments.

  People assume that just because I go a little slower at school that I am dumb or something. It is nothing like that. I just like to go at my own pace, I don't go by what other people like. I am in no hurry and neither should anyone else in my opinion. I think we would all be a lot less stressed if we knew how to relax more.

  And then there are the times when people judge me for my outward imperfections which is utter insanity. I don't have a perfect smile, I know I am missing a few teeth, but that is not my fault. I do wear 4 fake ones on the top, but that was out of my control and I wish people wouldn't judge me for it. I never bothered to replace the other two that are missing, you can't even see them.  I was just born without some of my teeth, just the 4 on top, and then the other 2 had to be pulled because I had weak enamel and they were having problems. I am missing some permanent teeth on top, but there is nothing I can really do about it. I used to be teased a lot about my smile. Lucky for me I still like to smile, even though I am still really self conscious about the way my teeth are. I usually never tell people this about me if they don't know just because it's caused me a lot of trouble in the past. People hurt me so badly that now I feel like if anyone finds this stuff out about me now that they will lose interest, or stop liking me, or be weirded out. It's really terrifying... really. I am just glad i still have most of my top ones, and all of my bottom ones.  I guess it could be worse.

  Another stupid thing that people judge me for is my kind of deformed toe on the left foot. I was just born with it. I know it looks a little weird, but you can't really do anything about genetic deformations like that except for get surgery, which I will do some day most likely.

  I am human, and I want to be loved just like anyone else. be careful how you treat people, you may effect them in a negative way if you are not careful. I try to hide my insecurities, but because I was tortured by people in my earlier years about my imperfections it's really secretly traumatized me. Traumatized me to the point where I am afraid to get close to anyone in fear that they will find out my imperfections. 

  I wonder if anyone will be able to look past this. I really hope there is at least 1 person like that out there.

  I also hate the misconception that people like me that are on SSI can't get jobs. That is definitely not the case for me.  I just don't have enough skills right now to be confident enough to get a job, plus it is hard for someone with vision problems to find jobs, and I am in school anyway, so I just ride with it. If I really had to get one I could get one somehow I'm sure, but for now I just live off of SSI for now.  I am very skilled in a lot of areas, I just need to learn a few more things, and improve my social skills.

  My weight doesn't bother me that much, but sometimes people are a little picky about it. I am healthy, so I am not going to just go with what some people say and get paranoid about it. It is not that bad, I NEVER get sick at all, and I am very active and am losing it in my own time.

  My speech isn't all that clear sometimes either. I work on it though. It's only this way because I don't talk a whole lot, or I didn't before anyway. I talk a bit more on videos and stuff, and I can already see an improvement. My mouth just got a bit lazy.

  Anyway, these are the things I am most self conscious about and the things I wish people would look over more, or wouldn't judge me by. I was just thinking about this and had to write my thoughts down.

  I'm sure there is someone out there who can look past my imperfections, but where that person is I have no clue.  I might even find more than one, I guess I will have to be patient.  **sigh**

  I hope none of you think these things are weird haha. That would make me feel great. I never judge other people for their imperfections, or make fun of anyone, or anything like that. I guess because I know what it is like to be on the other side, what it feels like to be so different that you don't feel like anyone can accept you.

   

  • 6:25 PM
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