July 23, 2012

• Darik and Dylan (Part 3)

  First off, here is the link to last night's post. HERE
  

  Sometimes I’m scared for Darik. I just want him to end u with the right person. I care about him a lot as you know. He hangs out with a lot of people, he has a ton of friends of both genders. Sometimes I am worried that he will get too used to hanging out with lots of girls and he won’t be able to commit. I mean, I think he will, he is an amazing guy, but he worries me sometimes when he hangs out with a lot of girls. i’m just scared that he will fail to notice the girl that is right for him. Sometimes when people are around a lot of people and have a rich social life they forget to look at what is important. I don’t know what he is going to do, i’m not really sure how he thinks when he is around other people, but I just hope he finds his girl soon. I would seriously love to be that person, but I know I can’t, I’m not exactly his type. If I was, and if I was able to I would be his girl in a heartbeat though. I just want what is best for him, he is a really amazing guy and he is good at so many things and his personality is amazing. He shouldn’t settle for anything less than he deserves.

  As for his brother Dylan, I’m not as worried about Dylan as I am about Darik. Dylan has Jennifer, I have known Jennifer for a long time, haven’t talked to her much, but I know her well enough that I know she will take good care of Dylan, and even Darik. They are super close, and she is a really awesome person, so I am not worried about Dylan at least. I’m not sure if Darik is close to anyone, like Dylan is close to Jennifer (I actually think they are together, but not sure right now).

  I really want them to just get what they deserve. They deserve girls that are talented, smart, sweet, honest, dress nice, act nice, are LDS, faithful, pretty, and dedicated.  Having to stay on the sidelines isn’t exactly easy for me. There are so many times I have wanted to interfere and protect them, but I know I can’t. As much as I love them and want to be in their lives, they have other ideas, and I don’t want to put the pressure on them anymore. I’m not going to be in their world if they don’t really want me there. If it makes them happy I am going to just watch from the sidelines.

  I think we would have been closer if I had made better decisions. I look back in my past and I see all the stuff I could have done different. I should have had more courage, I should have stepped up more and talked to them more and hung around them more at school and stuff. I was so nervous and I let my fear and in insecurities get the better of me.  I didn’t work on my social skills enough, and my self esteem and it really effected our friendship. I should have just taken what I had and worked with it instead of just expecting something better to come.  When I was younger my parents never really let me hang out with guys besides my best friend Devin. I just assumed they would let me hang out with Darik and Dylan, I’m was so young and didn’t guess that they wouldn’t let me hang out with them. Hanging out with guys in my religion is considered to be wrong outside an actual relationship, it’s considered to be dangerous. I understand why they upheld that rule now and i’m glad they did honestly. They were just looking out for me.  My mom and dad were good friends with Devin’s family and we grew up together so she let that happen, and it was fine, but other guys were out of the question.  I assumed in the earlier years that I would get to spend some time with them outside of school, so I totally took my time with them for granted and treated it like I had all of it in the world.  If I could do it again I would have more courage, be more out going, be a better friend and talk to them more inside school. A lot of the time I feel like I act like a total moron around them, but i’ll save talking about that for later.  Even if I did it over again and things turned out the same as they have, at least I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

  It really is partially my fault we aren’t as close as I wished we could be.  I guess things happen for a reason, but I think it would have been fine either way.  I don’t think my vision problems would have been too much trouble if I had just tried more. I was way to self conscious, and inside myself back then.

  I quite honestly hate being away from Darik. I really wish I could be around him and Dylan more. It kills me that I can’t spend more time with them. I really wish I could fix things with us, and actually do what friends do with each other. I feel so gravitated towards both of them and it’s hard to have to hold back. I know my desire is one sided. They have so many other great friends and I really wish now I had made more of an effort ot be one of those exciting, fun, great friends.  I know I have it in me without a doubt.

  Somehow I’m sure I’ll deal with this stuff.

  • 3:00 PM
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