June 27, 2012

• Darik and Dylan (Part 2)

  I sent Darik a text message a few minutes ago, it turned out to be much more than I originally planned. I have really been bugged by how things ended with us 2 months ago. I really wanted to say something to him very badly. I must have written and re-written the text I sent him about 20 times, each with different things I could say. I finally realized that no words i could possibly say would make me feel better unless if they were "I love you". These are the only words i have left for him, for both him and Dylan. I don't feel like i can say anything else now other than what I said in that text. 

  "I really want to say something to you but I don't wan to bug you. So the only thing I am going to say is I love you, because all other words are futile now. Take it any way you want I don't care. These are the only words I have left. And don't you dare laugh because I'm crying. "

  So many emotions went through my fingers and through my whole body while I was typing this, and during the 20 or so seconds before i actually sent it. I was happy, sad, frustrated, excited, confused, clear, so many different things in that one moment in time. I lost it completely and put every single emotion I could summon up into that text. I just hope he reads it. 

  Two months ago it ended completely awkward. I have always had problems with keeping our friendship balanced. I have had to go through tons of insecurities, and psychological phenomenon the whole time I have know both of them. Every time I try to tell them how I feel it always goes wrong in some way. Maybe i tried to hard, or explained myself wrong. I think I was also a little too dramatic, actually I know i had a tendency for being really dramatic. My feelings for these two have always been super strong though. I always got ahead of myself, but at least my heart was always in the right place, even if I didn't communicate it properly sometimes. 

  I tried to make things better by trying to give up on our friendship for their benefit. I thought it was the wise thing to do. I was so sure that i was only getting in the way and that i had n real purpose in their life. i was ready to but out for good and leave them alone. I ended up texting both of them and they ended up talking me out of it for a while.  i never really felt quite settled though. i really didn't feel like I deserved to be their friend, like I was any good. Them talking me out of it made me feel kind of happy, but I was more confused than anything to be honest. I didn't want to pursue it any more though. I just kind of gave up on the notion of giving up cold turkey because i figured it was a good idea to at least give them a few more weeks.

  At the end I ended up talking myself into thinking of them as the bad guys, I was so stupid. i convinced myself that if I kept on talking to them i would just end up getting hurt. i convinced myself that they were what was wrong. I sent them a message on Facebook telling them i wanted to stay away from them, and that being around them was only hurting me. I was so dumb to do this. I made sure to write it so it looked like I thought i was also partially to blame. I know that this is the truth, even though internally I was trying to deny this was true. I'm glad i didn't put the blame on them in writing. I at least did the decent thing in writing and told them how i felt in at least a semi- right way. i still regret that though. I could have done everything in a much better way if only I had just been patient.

  Instead of trying to get things back to the way they were after telling him how sorry I was for all the drama I had caused trying to protect myself I just backed off and told him and Dylan that I cared about them a lot and just left it at that. I told them i was just going to let go. At least I ended it semi-good.

  I have been feeling guilty in varying degrees over the past two months. I really have a lot of regrets, and I know I have to deal wit them myself and come to terms with them. I know how that expressing these feelings isn't exactly the best thing to do with Darik and Dylan which is why I am doing this on my blog instead. I don't want to shove these feelings onto them anymore, and I know they don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Darik has been so patient, he has had to deal with most of it. He has been so good to me the past few years. He could have gotten angry, or frustrated, or irritated, but he never showed anything like that. This is one of the reasons why I care about him so much. 

  Anyway, I still have a lot I want to express on this subject, but for now I'll just leave it like this. 

  I'll do my regular entry later.

  EDIT: if you wan to understand my past with Darik you can read this entry from way back in 2010. >>> Here
  

  FYI: I am going to be doing a new version of my past with Darik and Dylan soon. I really need to because a lot has changed.
  

  • 10:30 PM
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