August 9, 2011

  • Day 22

    So it has been 22 days since I talked to Dylan. It has been 21 days since I have talked to Darik. So far things are going smoothly. The only thing I am worried about is that I have started dreaming about Dylan more which is really abnormal. I usually never dream about Dylan, it's usually about Darik. It's a little hard distancing myself from them, and I think it's going to be even harder when they start coming to my ward in church again in a few weeks. I wan't to see them, but right now I am not sure if I should talk to them or not when they come. So far the withdrawal hasn't been too bad, I don't feel like I'm suffering or anything by not talking to them. I don't know what is going to happen, but I sure hope it doesn't get harder. right now I'm not sure when I am going to end up talking to them again, I'm kind of taking it one day at a time. I'm really in no hurry, I seriously doubt I'm that important to them honestly. It's not like we ever talk a lot.

    For those of you that aren't familiar with the situation, I quit talking to Dylan because I felt like we both needed some space from each  other. I made a lot of mistakes in my friendship with Dylan, stuff that I can't fix now. It's been causing me to feel a large amount of regret and guilt. I tried talking to him about how I feel, but I don't think he wants to deal with it. I don't blame him but it kind of put me at a dead end. I decided after a while that I should probably distance myself from Dylan because I was starting to think about it a little too much. It began to get to me and I was getting really sad and irritated. I think I got on his nerves a little too because I was always sending him really long messages in his facebook inbox. I decided eventually with all the drama that is and was going on between us, and the fact that I was seriously over thinking things, that we needed a break from each other. I think I needed a break more than he needed a break from me but that is okay.

    I don't even think he has noticed I have stopped talking to him, I don't think I'm quite that important. I think I made a good choice by deciding to distance myself for a while. I knew that if I was going to do this, I couldn't talk to Darik either, that would have just made things worse. I have no problems with Darik, I sorted those out about a year ago, so WE are fine. Darik always has been a little better at listening to how I feel, I've always liked that about him. He has been one of the only reasons why this whole mess I have created hasn't driven me crazy yet. I made so many mistakes with both of them, but with Dylan, from my point of view I think I was a bit more reckless. I began to over think and be self conscious about my flaws around him and I wasn't being myself. I created this illusion in my head that we were closer than we actually were. When I fixed things with Darik almost a year ago I started noticing all the stuff I felt for Dylan, all this stuff I was and still am insecure about. I neglected to look for and fix the issues in our friendship and now it has become a mess. Issues like I don't feel like I can talk to him like I can talk to Darik. I also have some trust issues, and I sometimes doubt that he would accept me if he found out all my flaws. It's kind of a hard thing to explain. I really shouldn't care, and really if he found out and gave me the expected reaction I could probably just walk away without worrying about anything, but still for some reason I get scared. Probably because I know he is still important to me. Something like that.

    In a way the fact that I know and have always known that I like them both a lot more than they like me has made it kind of harder. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk to each other a decent amount for a long time. This makes it so I have to deal with what I feel on my own and that isn't easy. One of the other reasons why I stopped talking to them is because I honestly kind of feel like my friendship is partly 1 sided. I don't feel like we have a very equal friendship. I am always putting in all this effort to try and get them to talk to me, I always have been this way. they have never really tried as hard as me, they have been busy, and they have lots of friends and stuff but I wish they would have tried a little harder. I am not that demanding really. I don't think I have ever really been that important to either of them. If you are wondering why I even bother, you would have to meet them for yourselves. They are both really cool, have a lot of friends, are really smart, and most of the time they are really sweet guys. This is the reason, even though I knew it was probably futile, that I tried so hard to get them to talk to me more.  Eventually it just began to burn me out, and 22 days ago, I decided I had enough and I made the decision finally to distance myself.  I have my limits after all.

    Anyway with both of them it has been tough. I used to have a serious obsession with both of them. I had a crush on both of them for a while back when I was in school. You might think it still sounds like I have an obsession, but I just talk about them a lot because I really like them, and because over the past 11 years so many thoughts have been building up in my head I just need to get them all out. If I don't talk about what I am feeling, and what bothers me, after a while it begins to torture me, and / or it becomes an obsession. Talking about them a lot is my way of dealing with things. It's my way of AVOIDING obsession. When I keep things inside they start to torture me and it just makes things worse, so I need to talk about them, to vent my thoughts so they don't drive me crazy. This helps me keep my distance from them as well, and makes me a lot happier.

    Anyway, like I said, I am just taking this one day at a time. I don't know what will happen I the future but I know I will be okay.

    I will do another post later, I just needed to mind dump / vent again.